Thursday, February 24, 2011

I simply remember my favorite things...

I am officially done with the gonad. inj's for this cycle. I gave myself my trigger shot this am and will start on progesterone Sat. So I have 2 large and 1 medium follicle on my left ovary and 1 medium on my right. Doc said yesterday that my uterine lining looks really good - thicker this cycle. And I only had to do 9 days of injections this cycle as opposed to 12 days for the first one, so it seems she's got my dosage figured out. So I'll go back next Fri to have my progesterone test and then I believe the following week for the pregnancy test.

I let myself fantasize last pm for a little while about the fact that if this cycle works that would give us a Thanksgiving baby. I like the idea of a baby around the holidays. The holidays symbolizes family, warmth, love and giving to me. Christmas has always been my favorite holiday. I got married in June but I always thought a December wedding would have been beautiful with a Christmasey theme - ivory faux fur trimmed gown accessories, forest green bridesmaid dresses with holly berries in the bouquets, sparkly snowflake decorations, snow falling, candlelight...ahhhh. Now I fantasize about ringing in a new year with a new baby, new hopes for the future, old fears and sadness gone, long gone. I had to go to my happy place yesterday when the nurse who's drawn my blood every time this cycle, the one who abuses the hell out of my veins by shoving and yanking needles in and out for some unknown Godly reason; and that place was somewhere far away from that clinic and the sadistic nurse, filled with soft light, warmth, stillness and peace. When it was over I'm not sure if my arms ached so bad from the needles or the realization that it was only my purse I had been clinging on to...

Monday, February 21, 2011

I'm not only a member, I'm the President

It's President's Day and I'm thinking what it must have been like to have been president. President of anything. I've never been a president of anything. Never wanted to be. I have never wanted to subject myself to peer votes, scrutiny, judgement and criticism. I'm a wallflower kind of girl. I'll speak up when I want my voice to be heard, but otherwise just pretend I'm not even there. I really do prefer it that way; I always have. So to imagine being president of anything is about the least appealing thing to me.

However, I think I've become an accidental president. And it's been purely of my own accord. I've labeled myself, taken on this new role and this new identity, contemplated my new role at large, made myself own it. I am the President of Infertility in my own mind. At some point, I made my identity about being infertile. Hell, I refer to myself as "Infertile." It's who I am. It's what I do, (or rather don't do). And it's unhealthy.

I learned a couple years ago that labeling yourself and putting yourself into these categories like "childless" and "infertile," is a bad thing. Those labels tend to shape our thoughts and emotions, the way we interrelate, the way we treat ourselves. They can influence our thoughts and consequently our well being, and not always in a good way. "Infertile" has a negative connotation. You don't proudly announce to strangers that you're infertile. If you do, we need to talk because that makes you a very unique individual. So I have given myself a label that I associate with all these negative emotions; there are countless amounts of them that I don't need to list because if you're reading this you already know them, or you can probably pretty well guess what those are. So in labeling myself as an Infertile I've attached myself to all those other negative terms. "Because I am Infertile, I am insert negative thought or emotion here."

So I am going to start working on resigning from the Infertile label. I haven't quite figured out how I'm going to do that yet - your suggestions are welcome. But I know if I can take myself out of that box then maybe some of the negative things I think about myself as a result will start to go away some.

In other news, my dr appt this am showed two large follicles on the good ovary and one medium sized one on the gimpy ovary - a feat in itself! My estradiol is up to 182 today from 62 on Fri, so doc thinks I'll be ready for my trigger shot Wed. or Thurs. This cycle has been a lot easier than the first. Maybe it's because I've known what to expect so I'm a little less scared, but either way, it feels like a small accomplishment. For today that's good enough for me. After all, I am the President so if it's good enough for me it should be good enough for everyone :)

Wednesday, February 16, 2011

No Cyst = Injectible Bliss

I went back to the dr yesterday to have my cyst checked out and it's gone! And she said I could go ahead and get started on my 2nd cycle of gonad. inj's! Very exciting. I thought I'd have to wait for another period but she said it was up to me but I was free to go ahead, so I'm going on ahead. Why wait? So here we go with Attempt # 2. She's got me on the higher dosage to start, which is how she ended the last cycle, so I expect to be a hormonal mess by next week. And bloated. Ugh. I've really enjoyed the joys of a non bloated abdomen these past 3 weeks. Oh well, beggars can't be choosers...