A great blog post by a pastor who suffered IF with his wife. Realize the emotions that result from IF are universal, across the races, even sexes. Share it with anyone who cares about you or share it with the whole world. It's something we should be talking about because I would bet that a lot more couples deal with infertility than 1 in 10.
http://www.stevewiens.com/2013/03/26/ten-words-that-describe-infertility/?utm_source=The+Actual+Pastor+Email+Subscriptions&utm_campaign=98c03a1e66-RSS_EMAIL_CAMPAIGN&utm_medium=email
Tuesday, March 26, 2013
Sunday, February 10, 2013
Epilogue
Have you ever heard someone talking about their dream coming true and thought to yourself, lucky them; that'll never happen to me. Have you ever wanted something so badly you'd go to the ends of the earth for it? Have you ever begged God to give you that something? Have you ever hated Him when his answer was no, not yet, or just silence?
Do you think you're the only one - that you're alone?
There's a blog I've followed for a couple of years. The writer has DOR also. Her first and second IVF attempts failed and her third was successful with only one embryo to transfer, only one chance. When I read her pregnancy announcement post I thought, well good for her. She's so lucky. But that will never be me.
When it became apparent IVF was our best option we jumped into it, and into our savings account, eyes closed, breath held. When it didn't work I left the career and the people I loved for a job I didn't love, 50 miles away, all for the sake of IVF coverage.
In my prayer journals of the past several years everyday contains the same prayer: please God, let this work. And then the same lamentations: Why? Where are You?
Two weeks ago our son was born. He was born healthy and without complication. My dream come true; my end of the earth; my answered prayer. If you're reading this there's a good chance you don't think it'll ever happen for you, even though you'd do anything. You don't think God is listening. You think you're alone. But I bet there is at least one other person praying for you. I bet there is a small voice inside that still believes. I bet that someday you'll have your own epilogue that is so awesome, so amazing and awe-inspiring that you won't have words to say to describe it, so instead you'll just marvel in it and you'll say, this is my dream come true; my end of the earth, my answered prayer.
Do you think you're the only one - that you're alone?
There's a blog I've followed for a couple of years. The writer has DOR also. Her first and second IVF attempts failed and her third was successful with only one embryo to transfer, only one chance. When I read her pregnancy announcement post I thought, well good for her. She's so lucky. But that will never be me.
When it became apparent IVF was our best option we jumped into it, and into our savings account, eyes closed, breath held. When it didn't work I left the career and the people I loved for a job I didn't love, 50 miles away, all for the sake of IVF coverage.
In my prayer journals of the past several years everyday contains the same prayer: please God, let this work. And then the same lamentations: Why? Where are You?
Two weeks ago our son was born. He was born healthy and without complication. My dream come true; my end of the earth; my answered prayer. If you're reading this there's a good chance you don't think it'll ever happen for you, even though you'd do anything. You don't think God is listening. You think you're alone. But I bet there is at least one other person praying for you. I bet there is a small voice inside that still believes. I bet that someday you'll have your own epilogue that is so awesome, so amazing and awe-inspiring that you won't have words to say to describe it, so instead you'll just marvel in it and you'll say, this is my dream come true; my end of the earth, my answered prayer.
Thursday, September 13, 2012
One More For the Team
I hate to hear about Khloe Kardashian's IF struggles, but I have so much respect for her for being open about it. It's not the easiest thing to talk about sometimes so I cannot imagine broadcasting it on world-wide television. But I really appreciate women like Khloe and Giulianna who put faces to IF for the rest of the world. There are so many women out there in all walks of the journey and I know the comforts of realizing there are other people, even people who seem to have everything, facing the same daily struggles.
The person I am least impressed with is Kim KarTRASHian. In typical narcissistic fashion she makes Khloe's situation all about herself. Apparently she's considered freezing her own eggs. You know, just in case. I'm not even going to try and make a pun with that one.
Keep your head up, Khloe. We're all rooting for you.
http://www.toofab.com/2012/09/13/khloe-kardashian-fertility-issues-good-morning-america/
The person I am least impressed with is Kim KarTRASHian. In typical narcissistic fashion she makes Khloe's situation all about herself. Apparently she's considered freezing her own eggs. You know, just in case. I'm not even going to try and make a pun with that one.
Keep your head up, Khloe. We're all rooting for you.
http://www.toofab.com/2012/09/13/khloe-kardashian-fertility-issues-good-morning-america/
Tuesday, September 4, 2012
Sunday, August 12, 2012
I Made It
I've waited a really long time to make this post. Two and half years to be exact.
We're 15 weeks pregnant now; officially in the second trimester. I guess I'll start at the beginning.
Saturday morning, the day after our ER, about 9 am. I am still in bed, sleeping off the rest of the anesthesia. My husband comes running into our bedroom, shakes me awake. I open my eyes and he has a huge smile on his face, his eyes are bright.
"Honey, I just got off the phone with the embryologist and both eggs fertilized! And she said they look good!"
He said it as though he was telling me he'd won a new car. My heart swelled to see him so excited. I will never forget that moment.
The second unforgettable moment came the day of our first beta. We took the day off work to spend it with my sister and her family, in town from out of state. We told no one that that day was our first beta. We didn't want to relive the heartbreak of the chemical pregnancy. We figured if the beta came back high, then we'd go ahead and tell our family. But if it came out borderline we wanted to wait for the second beta to confirm it. I was of course nervous, but I also had a pretty good feeling we were going to get a positive. The first change I noticed were sore, swollen boobs. It seemed this happened pretty much overnight. Second, I started to come down with a cold. It wasn't bad, but I was feeling a little run down and my throat was scratchy. I am hardly ever sick. And I had heard of women getting sick right at the onset of pregnancy. The third sign was about three nights before our beta. My mom served fish for dinner. I love fish. I took one bite and I almost gagged. Hmmm. (I still have the fish aversion today). The fourth sign was my heart rate. It was noticeably faster. There were times it felt like my heart might beat right out of my chest. It wasn't constant but it was just these surges. Definitely something I'd never experienced before. I was also feeling crampy; like menstrual cramps but without any spotting or bleeding. Oh, and the hunger. I was hungry all the time. I'd finish one meal and already I was thinking about the next!
So we spent the day with my family which was a welcomed distraction. But as the morning turned into afternoon I felt more and more anxious. Finally at 3:00 the call came. We were all at the park when the phone rang. I quickly answered it, separated myself from my family, my husband right behind me, and the nurse wasted no time telling me it was positive. I asked right away what the number was. 344. What? She said it again. 344. Holy. Shit. 344. 344!! Our beta with our chemical pregnancy was 23. I immediately burst into tears and felt my whole body just start to shake. It was as though every emotion of the past 2 1/2 years was stored deep inside me and it just couldn't flow out fast enough. My poor husband's face filled with panic for a minute; he didn't know what the hell was going on. It's 344, I managed to choke out. His eyes grew huge while he waited for me to hang up with the nurse. Neither of us could speak for a full minute, we just held each other and I cried. Then I remembered the rest of family was watching us. They had no idea what was going on. So we told them right away. It was especially special because my sister was with us when we found out.
The second beta was that Monday, (the first was on a Friday). The second beta came back in the 1900's. I was shocked it came back so high again. And worried. Our RE told us the beta numbers themselves don't mean much, it's just the rate at which they grow. But I've heard enough about betas that I knew those numbers were twin numbers. But I knew it wasn't twins. I just had a really good intuition that it could only be one. So I kept thinking that something must be wrong for the numbers to be so high for just one embryo. Of course I went to Dr. Google and I started to fear a molar pregnancy. I was terrified. I cried a lot. I prayed nonstop. I worried all day everyday (although I've always slept soundly through the nights since day 1). After a couple days of this my husband finally prodded it out of me what I was so upset about. Being the most intelligent guy he is, he did some research of his own and found the symptoms of molar pregnancies, which mimics hyperthyroidism. I had none of those symptoms. Just really high beta numbers that I couldn't let myself believe were real.
Three very long, excruciating weeks went by until the morning of our first sono. I have never been so scared in my life. I could hardly speak. I could hardly breathe (although I ate a full breakfast which should have told me something). When we sat in the waiting room I couldn't move. And when I sat on the exam table, waiting for the sonographer, I couldn't stop shaking. So I just sat there and prayed. The world stopped turning for those 20 seconds until we saw the embryo on the screen. We had a wonderful sonographer that was with us during our cycle. Right away she said, this is a good looking embryo! I couldn't let my breath out though until she found the heartbeat. We couldn't hear it but we saw it. We literally saw the heart beating on the screen! There aren't words to describe how I felt seeing that. She pointed out the arm and leg buds, measured it to find it was two days ahead of schedule, and then we were done. We were officially being released from our RE to go out into the world, be pregnant and have a baby like any other normal couple. It was like being in a dream. It is still like being in a dream. So surreal. So incredible. And unbelievable.
No one tells you while you're going through infertility how terrifying those first few weeks are. For so long I was so focused on just getting pregnant. Then a whole new set of worry sets in on just staying pregnant. There was one morning I woke up convinced my boobs shrank during the night. I thought that must mean something was wrong. I wasn't pregnant anymore. I don't know how I managed it but I didn't drive my car to the RE that morning to demand another sono or beta, but when I got to work I immediately went into the ladies's room, stood in a stall and just cried. I was just so scared and I felt so helpless. But the days went by and nothing dramatic happened. I have a good friend who suffered a loss with her first pregnancy, and she reminded me that this was in God's hands, and I'd be doing the best I could do in honoring Him and showing my gratitude by trusting Him. So I just made that my mantra for the next several weeks. And I realized that if something happened, I would be okay, and we would try again. Maybe not as easily as that, but I knew we would get there.
The second sono came in July, this time with an OB. It was so strange to be a pregnant girl in an OB's office. It was like I didn't belong there. I felt like an impostor; like any minute they were going to ask me what the hell I was doing there. But the second went much like the first, and at 11 weeks I knew our chances of experiencing a loss were going to be very small. It was after that second sono I really started to breathe. I started referring to our baby as our baby, instead 'the embryo', or just 'it.' I started using words like 'when' instead of 'if'; 'going to' instead of 'maybe.' Each day that went by I started to sink more and more into pregnancy, like easing into a hot tub; piece by piece.
Today I can say I am lounging comfortably in that proverbial hot tub. I have a visible bump (I've been wearing maternity pants for 3 weeks). I actually smile at other pregnant women. My throat doesn't tighten when I walk by a Carter's. I read every article I come across about pregnancy and parenting. I laugh more. I dream more. I live more. It's like someone took my life off of the Pause button.
Some time around January 30th our lives will be forever changed. Our story goes on to a new chapter. But I will never be able to leave infertility behind. People will ask when we're having a second child, and it will hurt. Our child may someday ask for a little brother or sister, and it will hurt. More tough decisions will have to made sooner than we'd like. Tears will fall again over infertility. But I know no matter what the future holds, or how our story unfolds, as long as we walk with and trust God, we're going to make it. We're going to finish the race.
"I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith. Now there is in store for me the crown of righteousness, which the Lord, the righteous Judge, will award to me on that day - and not only to me, but also to all who have longed for His appearing." 2 Timothy 4:7-8
Ignore the video; it was the only one I could find of the song I wanted to go along with this post. But it's a great song.
"I never could have made it this far without the Lord."
Saturday morning, the day after our ER, about 9 am. I am still in bed, sleeping off the rest of the anesthesia. My husband comes running into our bedroom, shakes me awake. I open my eyes and he has a huge smile on his face, his eyes are bright.
"Honey, I just got off the phone with the embryologist and both eggs fertilized! And she said they look good!"
He said it as though he was telling me he'd won a new car. My heart swelled to see him so excited. I will never forget that moment.
The second unforgettable moment came the day of our first beta. We took the day off work to spend it with my sister and her family, in town from out of state. We told no one that that day was our first beta. We didn't want to relive the heartbreak of the chemical pregnancy. We figured if the beta came back high, then we'd go ahead and tell our family. But if it came out borderline we wanted to wait for the second beta to confirm it. I was of course nervous, but I also had a pretty good feeling we were going to get a positive. The first change I noticed were sore, swollen boobs. It seemed this happened pretty much overnight. Second, I started to come down with a cold. It wasn't bad, but I was feeling a little run down and my throat was scratchy. I am hardly ever sick. And I had heard of women getting sick right at the onset of pregnancy. The third sign was about three nights before our beta. My mom served fish for dinner. I love fish. I took one bite and I almost gagged. Hmmm. (I still have the fish aversion today). The fourth sign was my heart rate. It was noticeably faster. There were times it felt like my heart might beat right out of my chest. It wasn't constant but it was just these surges. Definitely something I'd never experienced before. I was also feeling crampy; like menstrual cramps but without any spotting or bleeding. Oh, and the hunger. I was hungry all the time. I'd finish one meal and already I was thinking about the next!
So we spent the day with my family which was a welcomed distraction. But as the morning turned into afternoon I felt more and more anxious. Finally at 3:00 the call came. We were all at the park when the phone rang. I quickly answered it, separated myself from my family, my husband right behind me, and the nurse wasted no time telling me it was positive. I asked right away what the number was. 344. What? She said it again. 344. Holy. Shit. 344. 344!! Our beta with our chemical pregnancy was 23. I immediately burst into tears and felt my whole body just start to shake. It was as though every emotion of the past 2 1/2 years was stored deep inside me and it just couldn't flow out fast enough. My poor husband's face filled with panic for a minute; he didn't know what the hell was going on. It's 344, I managed to choke out. His eyes grew huge while he waited for me to hang up with the nurse. Neither of us could speak for a full minute, we just held each other and I cried. Then I remembered the rest of family was watching us. They had no idea what was going on. So we told them right away. It was especially special because my sister was with us when we found out.
The second beta was that Monday, (the first was on a Friday). The second beta came back in the 1900's. I was shocked it came back so high again. And worried. Our RE told us the beta numbers themselves don't mean much, it's just the rate at which they grow. But I've heard enough about betas that I knew those numbers were twin numbers. But I knew it wasn't twins. I just had a really good intuition that it could only be one. So I kept thinking that something must be wrong for the numbers to be so high for just one embryo. Of course I went to Dr. Google and I started to fear a molar pregnancy. I was terrified. I cried a lot. I prayed nonstop. I worried all day everyday (although I've always slept soundly through the nights since day 1). After a couple days of this my husband finally prodded it out of me what I was so upset about. Being the most intelligent guy he is, he did some research of his own and found the symptoms of molar pregnancies, which mimics hyperthyroidism. I had none of those symptoms. Just really high beta numbers that I couldn't let myself believe were real.
Three very long, excruciating weeks went by until the morning of our first sono. I have never been so scared in my life. I could hardly speak. I could hardly breathe (although I ate a full breakfast which should have told me something). When we sat in the waiting room I couldn't move. And when I sat on the exam table, waiting for the sonographer, I couldn't stop shaking. So I just sat there and prayed. The world stopped turning for those 20 seconds until we saw the embryo on the screen. We had a wonderful sonographer that was with us during our cycle. Right away she said, this is a good looking embryo! I couldn't let my breath out though until she found the heartbeat. We couldn't hear it but we saw it. We literally saw the heart beating on the screen! There aren't words to describe how I felt seeing that. She pointed out the arm and leg buds, measured it to find it was two days ahead of schedule, and then we were done. We were officially being released from our RE to go out into the world, be pregnant and have a baby like any other normal couple. It was like being in a dream. It is still like being in a dream. So surreal. So incredible. And unbelievable.
No one tells you while you're going through infertility how terrifying those first few weeks are. For so long I was so focused on just getting pregnant. Then a whole new set of worry sets in on just staying pregnant. There was one morning I woke up convinced my boobs shrank during the night. I thought that must mean something was wrong. I wasn't pregnant anymore. I don't know how I managed it but I didn't drive my car to the RE that morning to demand another sono or beta, but when I got to work I immediately went into the ladies's room, stood in a stall and just cried. I was just so scared and I felt so helpless. But the days went by and nothing dramatic happened. I have a good friend who suffered a loss with her first pregnancy, and she reminded me that this was in God's hands, and I'd be doing the best I could do in honoring Him and showing my gratitude by trusting Him. So I just made that my mantra for the next several weeks. And I realized that if something happened, I would be okay, and we would try again. Maybe not as easily as that, but I knew we would get there.
The second sono came in July, this time with an OB. It was so strange to be a pregnant girl in an OB's office. It was like I didn't belong there. I felt like an impostor; like any minute they were going to ask me what the hell I was doing there. But the second went much like the first, and at 11 weeks I knew our chances of experiencing a loss were going to be very small. It was after that second sono I really started to breathe. I started referring to our baby as our baby, instead 'the embryo', or just 'it.' I started using words like 'when' instead of 'if'; 'going to' instead of 'maybe.' Each day that went by I started to sink more and more into pregnancy, like easing into a hot tub; piece by piece.
Today I can say I am lounging comfortably in that proverbial hot tub. I have a visible bump (I've been wearing maternity pants for 3 weeks). I actually smile at other pregnant women. My throat doesn't tighten when I walk by a Carter's. I read every article I come across about pregnancy and parenting. I laugh more. I dream more. I live more. It's like someone took my life off of the Pause button.
Some time around January 30th our lives will be forever changed. Our story goes on to a new chapter. But I will never be able to leave infertility behind. People will ask when we're having a second child, and it will hurt. Our child may someday ask for a little brother or sister, and it will hurt. More tough decisions will have to made sooner than we'd like. Tears will fall again over infertility. But I know no matter what the future holds, or how our story unfolds, as long as we walk with and trust God, we're going to make it. We're going to finish the race.
"I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith. Now there is in store for me the crown of righteousness, which the Lord, the righteous Judge, will award to me on that day - and not only to me, but also to all who have longed for His appearing." 2 Timothy 4:7-8
Ignore the video; it was the only one I could find of the song I wanted to go along with this post. But it's a great song.
"I never could have made it this far without the Lord."
Wednesday, July 11, 2012
How Good Is He?
Just 2 1/2 weeks left of our first trimester! Second sono was today and everything looked great. Heartbeat was the same and baby is still measuring 2 days ahead. I won't have another sono until Sept. But I go back next month to be weighed and have my bp checked again.
God Is Good
Thursday, June 21, 2012
Womb With a View
Of one tiny, perfect embryo.
At some point I will write all about it, but for now I will just say, Praise God...
Thursday, May 31, 2012
Monday, May 14, 2012
*My Husband Won $500 and Other Ways This Day is Awesome
IVF #2 is officially over!
I'll sum it up:
I'll sum it up:
- We did the micro flare Lupron protocol. I started Lupron on CD1 and started stims (Menopur and Bravelle) on CD3. Doc added Ganirelex half dose on CD 6 or 7, as soon as the dominant follicle showed up. I was doing 5 injections a day b/c the Lupron was twice daily throughout the cycle. I could teach Courtney Love a few tricks.
- On CD7 doc was ready to convert to IUI. I was only showing one mature follicle, but I've been to this rodeo a few times and I know my body is slow to respond. I told him we were going to CD10 before deciding to do that.
- On CD10 I had 6 follicles, ranging 26 - 14mm, all on my left ovary. My right ovary just refused to play, but that's no surprise since it's the gimpy one. Doc retracted his IUI idea :)
- CD10 I triggered; CD12 was ER. Lining was 8.4mm. Disappointingly, only 2 eggs were after all mature enough for fertilization. One was too big and full of fluid, the other 3 were just too small.
- Both fertilized naturally. On Day 2, which was yesterday, we had two "average" grade embryos - a 3 and a 4 cell. The average rating is due to some cell fragmentation. Doc and the embryologist wanted to go ahead with a Day 2 transfer (they don't like to keep them to morula or blast when there are none to weed out), so yesterday, Mother's Day, we had our average embryos transferred.
- My attitude. I prayed more and worried less.
- I took up a new hobby (Bikram yoga - LOVED it and will miss doing it).
- I went to acupuncture twice a week all during the cycle and two months prior. My acupuncturist is amazing. I am a believer in acupuncture now, especially for the mental benefits.
- Supplements - prenatal of course, fish oil, iron, melatonin, inositol and pyncogenol
- The protocol itself was very different - micro vs long Lupron, Ganirelex started later, Menopur and Bravelle instead of Menour and Follistim. I took Dex with both cyles, no estrogen with this 2nd cycle, and of course progesterone. *Doc gave me the option of supp instead of PIO!
- The money. OMG the money. We spent $20k on our first IVF, including meds. I am not rounding up. Grand total for IVF #2, including meds - about $1,200. Seriously. And that's b/c I hadn't met my deductible yet, otherwise it would've been even less. I swear to God I have not complained about my <insert expletive here> job once since doing this cycle. Ok maybe once, but I smiled while doing it.
- *We made it to transfer! I read forums that attributed better egg quality to the micro flare Lurpon protocol, and this time egg quality was better. Even though only two were mature, doc said they looked good. The last cycle I had only two mature as well, but they were such poor quality that on Day 2 the embryologist told me the embryos barely rated a 3 on a 3 scale and to expect neither one to transfer. I was so nervous yesterday waiting for the embryologist to tell us how they looked before our transfer my pulse came in at 138. They gave me Valium :)
So the images of growing follicles in my head have been replaced by images of growing embryos. It's going to be a loooong 2ww, but for now I am finding a lot of excitement in the What If. What if this is IT? What if our baby (or babies?!) is in there? What if life as we know it is very soon forever changed? What if the pain and torment of the past two and half years could be culminating into the joy and blessing of the rest of our lives?
*What if.
Sunday, March 18, 2012
Better
Everyday lately I've been feeling like I'm sleep walking. Blame it on the progesterone. I wake up and I'm exhausted. The middle of the day and I'm exhausted. Evening time, I'm exhausted. Every morning I have to fight to keep my eyes open on my way to work. That cold medicine, foggy headed feeling just lingers day in and day out. The other half of the month that I'm not on progesterone I am back to my old self. After this next IVF cycle I am going to have to figure out what to do about this...
Speaking of which, that's just one month away! So our consultation with RE # 3 went well. I am a little embarrassed to admit we've been through 3 of them now. But on the other hand, we've learned a lot from each one, and I know we will from this one too. We met this doctor last year through my support group. Over the past year I heard more and more about him from the women in my support group. They really sang his praises and I can totally see why. He's so different from the previous two doc's. Have you ever met someone that exudes so much positive energy that it just sucks you in and you want to be around them all the time? Just the tone of his voice instantly put me at ease. He's a genuine person and from what I understand, a great doctor. My old boss even knew who he was because a good friend of hers was treated by him. I've never heard a negative word about him.
It was also somewhat validating to have a second doctor agree that I was probably over suppressed the first IVF cycle. His eyes got pretty huge when I told him what my Follistim dosage was (575), and he thinks the birth control, Luperon and 10 days of Ganirelex were probably a bad combination for a poor responder. Luckily, we know I respond well to Menopur and Bravelle, which is what RE #1 had me on all three of my timed IC cycles. So that's what we're going back to. No Luperon! No bcp's! For those that have had the privilege of that unholy union, you know what a relief that's going to be. So it's just going to be Menopur and Bravelle, with Ganirelex once he starts to see growth. And no estrogen this time either, unless my lining is too thin. I'm on board with that protocol. I'm not expecting any dramatic result this time, just hopefully one good egg.
I feel a lot different heading into this IVF cycle. The last time it felt so Do or Die. I didn't know what we were going to do if it didn't work. But now the financial burden has been lifted, the medication protocol is going to be a lot less intense, I've had a couple periods thanks to progesterone. As my husband likes to joke, hopefully the engine has been primed. Mentally, I feel more at peace. The acupuncture is definitely helping with my mood. And I think once I start having twice weekly sessions instead of one I'll feel that much better (I'll go twice a week during the IVF cycle). I'm also in a better place spiritually. I've grown in a lot of ways. Not that it won't still be hard, stressful, scary and emotional. But one thing I have now that I didn't have last year is faith and trust in God, and also myself. I know no matter what happens, we are going to be okay.
And I am going to be better.
Speaking of which, that's just one month away! So our consultation with RE # 3 went well. I am a little embarrassed to admit we've been through 3 of them now. But on the other hand, we've learned a lot from each one, and I know we will from this one too. We met this doctor last year through my support group. Over the past year I heard more and more about him from the women in my support group. They really sang his praises and I can totally see why. He's so different from the previous two doc's. Have you ever met someone that exudes so much positive energy that it just sucks you in and you want to be around them all the time? Just the tone of his voice instantly put me at ease. He's a genuine person and from what I understand, a great doctor. My old boss even knew who he was because a good friend of hers was treated by him. I've never heard a negative word about him.
It was also somewhat validating to have a second doctor agree that I was probably over suppressed the first IVF cycle. His eyes got pretty huge when I told him what my Follistim dosage was (575), and he thinks the birth control, Luperon and 10 days of Ganirelex were probably a bad combination for a poor responder. Luckily, we know I respond well to Menopur and Bravelle, which is what RE #1 had me on all three of my timed IC cycles. So that's what we're going back to. No Luperon! No bcp's! For those that have had the privilege of that unholy union, you know what a relief that's going to be. So it's just going to be Menopur and Bravelle, with Ganirelex once he starts to see growth. And no estrogen this time either, unless my lining is too thin. I'm on board with that protocol. I'm not expecting any dramatic result this time, just hopefully one good egg.
I feel a lot different heading into this IVF cycle. The last time it felt so Do or Die. I didn't know what we were going to do if it didn't work. But now the financial burden has been lifted, the medication protocol is going to be a lot less intense, I've had a couple periods thanks to progesterone. As my husband likes to joke, hopefully the engine has been primed. Mentally, I feel more at peace. The acupuncture is definitely helping with my mood. And I think once I start having twice weekly sessions instead of one I'll feel that much better (I'll go twice a week during the IVF cycle). I'm also in a better place spiritually. I've grown in a lot of ways. Not that it won't still be hard, stressful, scary and emotional. But one thing I have now that I didn't have last year is faith and trust in God, and also myself. I know no matter what happens, we are going to be okay.
And I am going to be better.
Sunday, February 12, 2012
Better Than Chocolate
In honor of Love Day I'm dedicating this entry to my husband, but first a few notes about what's been going on with me over the past 3 months:
So here we are assaulted with chocolates, roses, arrows, hearts, red and pink at every turn, another February 14 upon us. What will I buy him this year? What will I write in his card to convey what I feel for him? How will this Valentine's Day be different than the others?
Valentine's Day is something of an anniversary for my husband and me. He asked me to be his girlfriend on Valentine's Day 9 years ago. That was one special day for us. At that time we had known and loved each other 7 years already. We met when I was 15, he was 14. I lived in Texas, he lived in Michigan. My family spent weeks every summer in Michigan because my grandma lived there and my mom was a teacher and had summers off. One year I made a girlfriend up there, whose aunt happened to live in the same neighborhood my husband hung out in all the time. My girlfriend's mom took us to that neighborhood for a beach day one afternoon. My girlfriend and I were lounging on the beach, minding our own business, when this tall, dark, very muscular, handsome boy comes into the scene with his friend. We flirt from a distance, both of us too shy to approach the other. When it was time for us to leave, we're in the car, we pass this boy and his friend, and my girlfriend's mom says, I know those boys. They come into my store all the time. It was fate. It was meant to me. My girlfriend's mom passes my phone number along to my husband after I was back home in Texas. I come home one day after school and my sister hands me the phone and says, it's for you. It's some guy and he sounds like he's from Michigan. Be still my heart! I think that may have been the first time I ever swooned. And the rest, as they say, is history.
Fast forward 16 years and I sit with my talk, dark, muscular, still so handsome boy, only this time we're not sitting on the beach. Instead of warm sand, we're sitting in stiff pleather chairs. Instead of hearing the rhythmic lull of the waves there's the monotonous buzzing of the neon light fixtures. Instead of gazing out into a blue abyss of water blending into sky, our view consists of dozens of Annie Liebowitz style photos. There are illustrations of ovaries and uteruses in colorful bound books. There is a model in front of us to demonstrate how to self inject. There are calendars and pens branded with pharmaceutical names we are now on a first name basis with. And we are hearing without understanding. Infertile. This is not our happily ever after. Our chairs are 10 inches apart but I feel alone, my hands clasped in my lap. My husband asks the doctor questions, she answers; I sit and feel the numbness that comes with the diagnosis that will forever change our lives. The RE tells us I need the injectible gonadotropins, if we're comfortable with that step. My husband doesn't wait for me to respond. He looks over at me, takes my hand, looks back at the RE and says, we'll do whatever it takes.
That is my Valentine. I've written a lot of blog entries about this IF experience. I don't know if I've conveyed what a remarkable person that supports me in this. I don't know if I ever could. But it was then and there I knew this was just another chapter to our story. It's not a feel-good one. It's a tear-jerker. But it's terribly romantic. The boy that loved the girl enough to stay in touch over 1200 miles, only seeing her once a year, for 7 years. The boy that loved the girl enough to move 1200 miles away from the only home he'd ever known. The boy that loved the girl enough to build a life and home for her. The boy that loved the girl enough to go to the ends of the earth with her to build the family too.
This Valentine's Day is different. I not only have a lover and a best friend as my Valentine. I have a hero.
- Valentine's Day marks 90 days at my new company. March 1st is the first day on my new company's insurance plan. Last week my insurance card came in the mail. It's amazing how one little piece of plastic can almost erase 3 month's worth of frustration, stress and exhaustion ( I drive 100 miles/day for work; need I say more)?
- Speaking of, the new job sucks. Not just because I have such a horrendous commute. Not just because I spend over $400/month in gas and tolls for the privilege of said nightmare. Not just because I am over-qualified for this job and I took a step down and a pay cut for it. Not just because I wake up at the ass crack of dawn 5 days a week and get home long after the sun has gone down (I don't want to know what my Vitamin D level is). Not just because I haven't had a full, outside the office lunch break since I started. Not just because I'm micromanaged. But put all of these together and what do you get? One pretty shitty job. But ask me what I wouldn't do for $30k in insurance money.
- Our consultation with the potential new RE is March 5! I am excited. This is the first time ever I have been excited about an RE appointment. I am ready for IVF 2nd edition.
- I am starting acupuncture. Several women in my support group recommended a "modern" acupuncturist in the area that specializes in infertility and reproductive issues. I met with her yesterday and I got a really good vibe from her. She asked all the right questions and definitely seemed to understand and have a direction for what type of treatment I need. I'll do acupuncture over the next couple months while gearing up for our next cycle (to hopefully happen in May). I'll write more about the experience as I get into it. My first treatment will be the 23rd. Should be interesting...
- My HRT is working out. The estrogen has eliminated all my premenopausal symptoms. I cry a little easier now though. Ok, a lot easier. Those that know me well laugh at my newly developed sensitivity, as it's not exactly characteristic of me. But it just means I never get dry eye. I started off on progesterone tablets the first 3 months but moved on to supp's when the pills didn't quite get the job done. Supp's for two weeks every month, and progesterone at that (can you say tiredcrankyirritablesugarcravingbloatedbitchy), isn't exactly ideal, but I'll do what I gotta do to get some Flow action in my life. And I'm not talking Rida.
So here we are assaulted with chocolates, roses, arrows, hearts, red and pink at every turn, another February 14 upon us. What will I buy him this year? What will I write in his card to convey what I feel for him? How will this Valentine's Day be different than the others?
Valentine's Day is something of an anniversary for my husband and me. He asked me to be his girlfriend on Valentine's Day 9 years ago. That was one special day for us. At that time we had known and loved each other 7 years already. We met when I was 15, he was 14. I lived in Texas, he lived in Michigan. My family spent weeks every summer in Michigan because my grandma lived there and my mom was a teacher and had summers off. One year I made a girlfriend up there, whose aunt happened to live in the same neighborhood my husband hung out in all the time. My girlfriend's mom took us to that neighborhood for a beach day one afternoon. My girlfriend and I were lounging on the beach, minding our own business, when this tall, dark, very muscular, handsome boy comes into the scene with his friend. We flirt from a distance, both of us too shy to approach the other. When it was time for us to leave, we're in the car, we pass this boy and his friend, and my girlfriend's mom says, I know those boys. They come into my store all the time. It was fate. It was meant to me. My girlfriend's mom passes my phone number along to my husband after I was back home in Texas. I come home one day after school and my sister hands me the phone and says, it's for you. It's some guy and he sounds like he's from Michigan. Be still my heart! I think that may have been the first time I ever swooned. And the rest, as they say, is history.
Fast forward 16 years and I sit with my talk, dark, muscular, still so handsome boy, only this time we're not sitting on the beach. Instead of warm sand, we're sitting in stiff pleather chairs. Instead of hearing the rhythmic lull of the waves there's the monotonous buzzing of the neon light fixtures. Instead of gazing out into a blue abyss of water blending into sky, our view consists of dozens of Annie Liebowitz style photos. There are illustrations of ovaries and uteruses in colorful bound books. There is a model in front of us to demonstrate how to self inject. There are calendars and pens branded with pharmaceutical names we are now on a first name basis with. And we are hearing without understanding. Infertile. This is not our happily ever after. Our chairs are 10 inches apart but I feel alone, my hands clasped in my lap. My husband asks the doctor questions, she answers; I sit and feel the numbness that comes with the diagnosis that will forever change our lives. The RE tells us I need the injectible gonadotropins, if we're comfortable with that step. My husband doesn't wait for me to respond. He looks over at me, takes my hand, looks back at the RE and says, we'll do whatever it takes.
That is my Valentine. I've written a lot of blog entries about this IF experience. I don't know if I've conveyed what a remarkable person that supports me in this. I don't know if I ever could. But it was then and there I knew this was just another chapter to our story. It's not a feel-good one. It's a tear-jerker. But it's terribly romantic. The boy that loved the girl enough to stay in touch over 1200 miles, only seeing her once a year, for 7 years. The boy that loved the girl enough to move 1200 miles away from the only home he'd ever known. The boy that loved the girl enough to build a life and home for her. The boy that loved the girl enough to go to the ends of the earth with her to build the family too.
This Valentine's Day is different. I not only have a lover and a best friend as my Valentine. I have a hero.
Sunday, November 6, 2011
Will Work for Baby
God is good! I've prayed and prayed and prayed, and finally, an answered prayer.
I have a job with infertility coverage! I got a hold of Conceive magazine's list of companies that cover infertility, so for months I just went down the list and applied to any and every company/job I had a shot with, and one day last month I got the call that turned out to be an answered prayer. The decision to take the job wasn't easy though. I had a good job to begin with. I was overqualified for it, but it was easy, stress free, good money, close to home and I've been with the company going on 7 years. You get comfortable at a place after that long. So this new job offer came along, and I would've been ready to jump all over it, except this office is 50 miles away from my house. That's right, fifty. And to add insult to injury, the offer was a whole $1/hour less than what I make now. Ouch. But, a sign of the times.
So, I was fully prepared to reject the offer and keep looking for something closer to home, but I figured if I just went into the office 2 days a week and worked the other 3 days from home, that would be doable. So that's what we agreed on! I know the first month or two will be really hard with that commute everyday while I get trained and prepared to get to that point where I can work from home, but I know in the long run it'll pay off. This company pays $15k for IVF and an additional $15k for the drugs. My husband talked to our RE's office about the "preexisting condition" issue, but she said it shouldn't apply to us since we've never had the coverage (more prayers are being said about that one!) So if this works out, my new company will cover almost 2 more cycles of IVF! Plus, my husband just started working for a company that offers coverage for $15k in Rx's. So certainly a good back up to have.
I prayed countless nights to God to show me a sign, to give me a direction in my quest to parenthood. I am thankful He made it so obvious. It's amazing what God will do in your life once you let Him. It's also amazing how God works to reach us. Oprah says that the Universe (God) talks to us first in whispers. If we don't listen to the whispers, then He throws a pebble at us to try and get our attention. And if that still doesn't work, then we get hit with a brick, aka something really drastic has to happen to try and get us to pay attention and to learn. I really struggled with the decision to take this job, for all the reasons I mentioned, but also b/c of fear. I've taken so many gambles with my infertility that I was just really afraid to take another one by leaving the known for the unknown. But if I'm listening to the whispers, and I think I am, while God isn't promising the road will be easy, He is promising He's going to get us to our destination safe and sound, no matter what pot holes and road blocks surprise us.
My whispers are telling me to be unafraid. My whispers are asking me to trust Him. And I don't want no bricks thrown at my head.
I have a job with infertility coverage! I got a hold of Conceive magazine's list of companies that cover infertility, so for months I just went down the list and applied to any and every company/job I had a shot with, and one day last month I got the call that turned out to be an answered prayer. The decision to take the job wasn't easy though. I had a good job to begin with. I was overqualified for it, but it was easy, stress free, good money, close to home and I've been with the company going on 7 years. You get comfortable at a place after that long. So this new job offer came along, and I would've been ready to jump all over it, except this office is 50 miles away from my house. That's right, fifty. And to add insult to injury, the offer was a whole $1/hour less than what I make now. Ouch. But, a sign of the times.
So, I was fully prepared to reject the offer and keep looking for something closer to home, but I figured if I just went into the office 2 days a week and worked the other 3 days from home, that would be doable. So that's what we agreed on! I know the first month or two will be really hard with that commute everyday while I get trained and prepared to get to that point where I can work from home, but I know in the long run it'll pay off. This company pays $15k for IVF and an additional $15k for the drugs. My husband talked to our RE's office about the "preexisting condition" issue, but she said it shouldn't apply to us since we've never had the coverage (more prayers are being said about that one!) So if this works out, my new company will cover almost 2 more cycles of IVF! Plus, my husband just started working for a company that offers coverage for $15k in Rx's. So certainly a good back up to have.
I prayed countless nights to God to show me a sign, to give me a direction in my quest to parenthood. I am thankful He made it so obvious. It's amazing what God will do in your life once you let Him. It's also amazing how God works to reach us. Oprah says that the Universe (God) talks to us first in whispers. If we don't listen to the whispers, then He throws a pebble at us to try and get our attention. And if that still doesn't work, then we get hit with a brick, aka something really drastic has to happen to try and get us to pay attention and to learn. I really struggled with the decision to take this job, for all the reasons I mentioned, but also b/c of fear. I've taken so many gambles with my infertility that I was just really afraid to take another one by leaving the known for the unknown. But if I'm listening to the whispers, and I think I am, while God isn't promising the road will be easy, He is promising He's going to get us to our destination safe and sound, no matter what pot holes and road blocks surprise us.
My whispers are telling me to be unafraid. My whispers are asking me to trust Him. And I don't want no bricks thrown at my head.
Wednesday, October 19, 2011
And the Reward Goes To...
My husband is very good friends with a guy he's know five or six years. He was a groomsman in our wedding. It's a valuable friendship to him and one I totally respect. I am friendly with this guy's wife (I will call her B), and they are one of the only two married couple friends we have. Most of my close girlfriends are still single. And since we've struggled with IF, I've noticed that I tend to shy away from other married couples that have young kids or may have kids at some point. I guess not much explanation is needed behind that.
This particular couple is several years older than us and do not have kids. B had some medical issues and her husband was not inclined to want kids, so they decided when they got engaged that they would be childless. Well, we all know what happens when The Clock starts ticking. B approached 35 and decided she wanted kids. She explained all of this in an email to me several months ago. When I received the email from her I had just failed my first or second cycle, I forget which. She didn't know anything about what we were going through, so I couldn't be upset with her, but I was. I was terribly upset. How dare she let me think they were 'safe' for us to be friends with?! How dare she have the audacity to want to get pregnant when I can't?! These are the crazy things that go through one's mind when you feel so inadequate, empty, angry, hurt and confused with life.
My husband, being the good friend that he is, took her husband aside to explain to him a little bit about what we were going through and asked they be sensitive to that in the subject of their own TTC news. Months went by and I didn't think about this other couple's TTC too much, as I was pretty wrapped up in my own events, but I was always reminded every time we were around them. Reminded of the fact that someday soon, she could be pregnant and I wouldn't be. And the knowledge of that brought on a jealousy so intense I could hardly stand to be around B.
The other day I read B's blog, and it in she mentioned one little acronym that I know oh so well - TTC. That's right, B and her husband are officially Trying. Before, she mentioned she was thinking about a baby. Now it is official.
B's husband is one of my husband's best friends. I would feel so terrible if I ever got in the way of that. If I could hardly stand to be around her knowing she was just thinking about having a baby, how will I ever make it when she is pregnant? How will I hold my smile through the pregnancy announcement, all the pregnancy talk, the baby shower. And then when she has the baby? We all know how women are. If she feels mistreated and has hurt feelings b/c of the way I treat her, her husband will hear about it, my husband will hear about it, and then my husband is in the middle, trying to figure out how to deal w/ a crazy jealous wife and a best friend that he feels awkward around, all b/c of me.
After reading B's blog and feeling the jealousy, dread, anger and hurt consume me, I just went home from work and sobbed. I sobbed b/c I've never felt so ashamed for my reaction to her news; I sobbed b/c I will never, ever experience the pure thrill of TTC, and neither will my husband; I sobbed b/c of the sheer sadness and devastation I felt as the Outsider; I sobbed knowing this will not be the last friend I will watch experience the excitement of TTC and the joy of pregnancy and motherhood, while I pray to God night after night to just give us another chance.
I'm reading Joel Osteen's "Your Best Life Now" (did he steal that phrase from Oprah or is it the other way around?), and there's a chapter in his book that talks about kindness. He says we cannot expect blessings in our lives without being kind, without being a blessing ourselves. In other words, if we want to be blessed, we need to be a blessing. I thought about the way I've treated B, which hasn't exactly been as a 'blessing.' There have been many times where I have flat out avoided and ignored her b/c I thought I was sparing myself from pain that way. But it's actually been the opposite. It's caused me more pain to handle her that way.
Ironically, I received an invitation from her to hang out that very same day I read her blog with her TTC news; the very same day I sobbed in my bathroom over it. I asked God that night to help me understand what He was trying to tell me. I knew He was trying to move me to do something, to change something, but I didn't understand what, until I read Osteen's chapter again on being a blessing.
So the next day I accepted B's invitation. I wanted to start trying harder at being a blessing instead of always looking for my own blessings. And I survived it. We didn't talk about her TTC or my TTC, even though I am sure it was in the back of her mind as well as mine, but I realized that I am stronger than I give myself credit for sometimes. If I can hang out with B after feeling that low, I can brave those pregnancy announcements and baby showers. And I felt better about myself b/c I felt like I was truly doing the right thing. It's hard to feel bad about yourself when you know you are being a blessing to someone else. I know how happy she was to have my undevoted attention for a whole hour. I know she needed someone to talk to about her issues with her mother-in-law and her struggles to lose weight. She needed a friend, and last night I was that friend. I put all selfishness aside, and I felt better about myself b/c of it.
I won't be false and say I am forever changed by this one experience. I know there will be times when I will be selfish again. And it will hurt me and someone else. But this showed me that doing the right thing, even when it's not what we want to do, is always rewarding in some way. For so long I've strived for that ultimate reward, but until God decides it's my time, I will have to look for the subtler rewards. That's where my Purpose can be found. But that's a whole other blog...
This particular couple is several years older than us and do not have kids. B had some medical issues and her husband was not inclined to want kids, so they decided when they got engaged that they would be childless. Well, we all know what happens when The Clock starts ticking. B approached 35 and decided she wanted kids. She explained all of this in an email to me several months ago. When I received the email from her I had just failed my first or second cycle, I forget which. She didn't know anything about what we were going through, so I couldn't be upset with her, but I was. I was terribly upset. How dare she let me think they were 'safe' for us to be friends with?! How dare she have the audacity to want to get pregnant when I can't?! These are the crazy things that go through one's mind when you feel so inadequate, empty, angry, hurt and confused with life.
My husband, being the good friend that he is, took her husband aside to explain to him a little bit about what we were going through and asked they be sensitive to that in the subject of their own TTC news. Months went by and I didn't think about this other couple's TTC too much, as I was pretty wrapped up in my own events, but I was always reminded every time we were around them. Reminded of the fact that someday soon, she could be pregnant and I wouldn't be. And the knowledge of that brought on a jealousy so intense I could hardly stand to be around B.
The other day I read B's blog, and it in she mentioned one little acronym that I know oh so well - TTC. That's right, B and her husband are officially Trying. Before, she mentioned she was thinking about a baby. Now it is official.
B's husband is one of my husband's best friends. I would feel so terrible if I ever got in the way of that. If I could hardly stand to be around her knowing she was just thinking about having a baby, how will I ever make it when she is pregnant? How will I hold my smile through the pregnancy announcement, all the pregnancy talk, the baby shower. And then when she has the baby? We all know how women are. If she feels mistreated and has hurt feelings b/c of the way I treat her, her husband will hear about it, my husband will hear about it, and then my husband is in the middle, trying to figure out how to deal w/ a crazy jealous wife and a best friend that he feels awkward around, all b/c of me.
After reading B's blog and feeling the jealousy, dread, anger and hurt consume me, I just went home from work and sobbed. I sobbed b/c I've never felt so ashamed for my reaction to her news; I sobbed b/c I will never, ever experience the pure thrill of TTC, and neither will my husband; I sobbed b/c of the sheer sadness and devastation I felt as the Outsider; I sobbed knowing this will not be the last friend I will watch experience the excitement of TTC and the joy of pregnancy and motherhood, while I pray to God night after night to just give us another chance.
I'm reading Joel Osteen's "Your Best Life Now" (did he steal that phrase from Oprah or is it the other way around?), and there's a chapter in his book that talks about kindness. He says we cannot expect blessings in our lives without being kind, without being a blessing ourselves. In other words, if we want to be blessed, we need to be a blessing. I thought about the way I've treated B, which hasn't exactly been as a 'blessing.' There have been many times where I have flat out avoided and ignored her b/c I thought I was sparing myself from pain that way. But it's actually been the opposite. It's caused me more pain to handle her that way.
Ironically, I received an invitation from her to hang out that very same day I read her blog with her TTC news; the very same day I sobbed in my bathroom over it. I asked God that night to help me understand what He was trying to tell me. I knew He was trying to move me to do something, to change something, but I didn't understand what, until I read Osteen's chapter again on being a blessing.
So the next day I accepted B's invitation. I wanted to start trying harder at being a blessing instead of always looking for my own blessings. And I survived it. We didn't talk about her TTC or my TTC, even though I am sure it was in the back of her mind as well as mine, but I realized that I am stronger than I give myself credit for sometimes. If I can hang out with B after feeling that low, I can brave those pregnancy announcements and baby showers. And I felt better about myself b/c I felt like I was truly doing the right thing. It's hard to feel bad about yourself when you know you are being a blessing to someone else. I know how happy she was to have my undevoted attention for a whole hour. I know she needed someone to talk to about her issues with her mother-in-law and her struggles to lose weight. She needed a friend, and last night I was that friend. I put all selfishness aside, and I felt better about myself b/c of it.
I won't be false and say I am forever changed by this one experience. I know there will be times when I will be selfish again. And it will hurt me and someone else. But this showed me that doing the right thing, even when it's not what we want to do, is always rewarding in some way. For so long I've strived for that ultimate reward, but until God decides it's my time, I will have to look for the subtler rewards. That's where my Purpose can be found. But that's a whole other blog...
Monday, September 26, 2011
September
Thirty has certainly been quite a year: four failed treatment cycles; one chemical pregnancy; an ungodly amount of money spent; enough tears to float a boat in.
So it was a hard year. But it was also a good year.
In spite of all of that pain, there were also so many good times: the birth of my baby niece and god daughter; a trip to visit my sister and nieces, some of my most favorite people in the world; being witness to my god daughter's Christening; all the birthdays celebrated with my family and friends (I have a lot of fun making my signature birthday ice cream cakes!); a trip to Colorado with my husband to visit my in-laws, which included meeting my friends for a girls' week-end at Lake Dillon; my husband's new job and promotion that he so deserved and worked so hard for. The list goes on.
Yesterday I got myself into a funk reflecting on my year because I only thought of the bad times. And I started thinking about the fact that our road to parenthood still isn't over. The idea and the nervousness and fear of future IVFs, baby shower invitations, birth annoucements, etc, totally overwhelmed me. It was enough to make me pull the shades and crawl back into bed to hide from it all. But then my cat woke me up, and really, how can you feel so bad when you're being loved all over by your cat (which she hardly does to me btw). So I sat up, opened my shades, and started reading my Joel Osteen book. I started feeling better but still not great, until my husband brought me lunch in bed. He knew I was upset and he knows I am not the type to talk out my feelings, so he came to me. He said a lot of comforting things but what made the biggest difference were his hugs. He has the ability to make me feel safe with his hugs no matter what's going on around us. And that was all I needed.
So it was a hard year. But it was also a good year.
In spite of all of that pain, there were also so many good times: the birth of my baby niece and god daughter; a trip to visit my sister and nieces, some of my most favorite people in the world; being witness to my god daughter's Christening; all the birthdays celebrated with my family and friends (I have a lot of fun making my signature birthday ice cream cakes!); a trip to Colorado with my husband to visit my in-laws, which included meeting my friends for a girls' week-end at Lake Dillon; my husband's new job and promotion that he so deserved and worked so hard for. The list goes on.
Yesterday I got myself into a funk reflecting on my year because I only thought of the bad times. And I started thinking about the fact that our road to parenthood still isn't over. The idea and the nervousness and fear of future IVFs, baby shower invitations, birth annoucements, etc, totally overwhelmed me. It was enough to make me pull the shades and crawl back into bed to hide from it all. But then my cat woke me up, and really, how can you feel so bad when you're being loved all over by your cat (which she hardly does to me btw). So I sat up, opened my shades, and started reading my Joel Osteen book. I started feeling better but still not great, until my husband brought me lunch in bed. He knew I was upset and he knows I am not the type to talk out my feelings, so he came to me. He said a lot of comforting things but what made the biggest difference were his hugs. He has the ability to make me feel safe with his hugs no matter what's going on around us. And that was all I needed.
Do you remember
When it was like September?
Before you grew cold like December
And all you saw were cloudy days
And I remember
Before you grew cold like December
And all you saw were cloudy days
And I remember
That day when you surrendered
You stopped hurting cause you remembered
The season it won't last always
Tell me you remember
When your heart felt like September
Still had the joy
You stopped hurting cause you remembered
The season it won't last always
Tell me you remember
When your heart felt like September
Still had the joy
And God was just a prayer away
I can see clearly now
The sun is much brighter now
The season it won't last always
Seemed like forever
You said When will my life get better?
I'm tired of stormy weather
But the sun always shines in May
So just remember
The next time you feel like December
Remember that night in September
When God wiped all your tears away
Everybody has a September in their life.
You know, that first time you heard God's voice.
You felt His love.
So no mather what season you're in right now,
after winter comes Spring...
I can see clearly now
The sun is much brighter now
The season it won't last always
Seemed like forever
You said When will my life get better?
I'm tired of stormy weather
But the sun always shines in May
So just remember
The next time you feel like December
Remember that night in September
When God wiped all your tears away
Everybody has a September in their life.
You know, that first time you heard God's voice.
You felt His love.
So no mather what season you're in right now,
after winter comes Spring...
Sunday, September 18, 2011
Lessons in Infertility
I have so many emotions, thoughts and things I've been learning these past few weeks since our canceled embryo transfer. Actually since we entered the land of infertility almost 2 years ago. Here are few of them:
1. Gospel music helps. And lots of it. I highly recommend just about anything by Kirk Franklin.
2. Keeping a prayer journal helps. I've started writing out my prayers instead of just 'saying' them in my head. Most nights I can write pages and pages. I just talk to God. I ask him questions, I pray for myself and others; I try to remember to thank Him too for the various good things I have going in my life. It's been a good outlet and I can honestly say each day I've felt stronger and stronger. I believe that's because each night I ask God to help me wake up stronger.
3. I would be lost without my husband. When the embryologist broke the news that we weren't going to have any to transfer, my husband was out of town and was going to be gone for the next two and half days. I holed myself up in my house and just allowed myself to grieve those three days. It was a good thing. I needed to just succumb to it for a little while. The day he came home though I woke up with just the slightest bounce in my step. I didn't think I would have it back for much, much longer, but I realized how much I needed my husband. He's one of my biggest reasons for getting out of bed each morning.
4. It's okay to admit or show you're broken and weak sometimes. I have a hard time doing this. It makes me feel bad about myself if I wallow in self pity or just show emotional weakness of any kind. Don't ask me why. But once I did admit that I need my husband and I need God, I immediately felt better. Not good, but better. And that's as much as I could hope for.
5. I haven't experienced anything worse than the feeling of worthlessness: worthless at being able to give my husband the gift of being a father, my parents and in-laws the gift of being grandparents, my sister, brother and sisters-in-law of being aunts/uncles, etc, etc, etc; worthless at my current job (I'm doing something that I'm a little over-qualified for and it makes me feel like a loser most days); worthless to all my friends for being so self-absorbed in all of this that I feel like I've totally neglected them; worthless to myself in that I let myself believe, and hope, and spend so much money on this; and worst of all, worthless to God that I've let my faith waiver, I've been jealous and envious of every pregnant woman and mother I know or see, and have just overall been someone I never wanted to be - angry, resentful and ungrateful.
6. There's no one that can help me get over those feelings of worthlessness except God. I pray/write to Him every night that He'll help me overcome it. I know how damaging those self-loathing thoughts are. What's most awe-inspiring is that it's helped. I am not spending hours in therapy; I am not taking drugs or drinking; it's just God answering my prayers.
7. Faith is what keeps the light on during the darkest of times. I am consoled with believing that God has an ultimate plan for us. For whatever reason this just wasn't our time. I don't know if I'll ever be a mom. But I know that God has me in this for a reason. I know that this whole experience with infertility is preparing me for some future experience. Of course I don't know what, but I truly believe God has a purpose for us all. He created each of us for a reason. Just because we don't know what that reason is doesn't mean it doesn't exist. Sometimes the reasons are beyond our comprehension. Maybe we'll realize them someday, but until we do, or until we make it to the other side, we just have to keep going, trusting God and His plan. What else is there to do? Keep praying. Keep going. Life goes on.
8. Happiness is a choice. Joy is a gift. You can chose to be miserable day in and day out, or you can chose to be happy. It really is that simple. And if you chose to be happy, you will find joy. Happiness implies something that happens to you. But joy is something that is within you. I think about the times I have been truly joyful: my wedding day, meeting my nieces for the first time, watching something great happen to someone I love. Those are the moments where the good overshadowed the bad because of joy. Those are the moments that make life worth living. Life is not over because I am not pregnant. Life will not end if I don't ever become a mother. But only because I won't let it.
9. All of our experiences are teachers. It's up to us how or whether the lessons are learned. And it's up to us what to do with these lessons. I've learned a lot about myself this year and about God and Life. It's been a hard year but I wouldn't change it or erase it because I was meant to learn these lessons. And I am still learning. I may not become an expert but I hope with each lesson learned I'll get closer to being the person God wants to shape me into being, and I'll understand this crazy, complicated thing we call Life just a tiny bit more.
So what now?
We're working on finding a way to get insurance overage. My husband just started work for a new company that may offer benefits next year (praying hard on that one), and in the meantime I am looking into every possible company/job where I know I would get coverage, even if I have to serve up coffee at Starbucks for $8 an hour. By the way, if you know of a company in the Dallas area that offers infertility coverage, please let me know. I have Conceive Magazine's 2010 list but it's a pretty small list for my area :\
I am going to start hormone replacement therapy. I don't have periods on my own without hormones (I really think I have premature menopause), and I know I would feel better physically and mentally if I could at least cycle regularly. It doesn't necessarily mean I would be ovulating, but from what I researched the cases of conception of prematurely menopausal women on HRT is 5 - 10%.
Someday, when we have the means again financially, and the courage emotionally, we will try IVF again. We will talk to another doctor that's been recommended to me by a lot of women in my support group for his positive attitude alone, (let's just say our doctor that did this first IVF was less than optimistic or encouraging) but we definitely want to try at least once more with my own eggs. I have serious doubts about this last protocol that I won't get into because this post is already way too long, so I haven't given up hope that this can work. Who knows, maybe 6 months on HRT and I'll be in better shape. But I'm just not ready to give up yet.
I leave you with my favorite song right now. It gets me going everyday. Not all of them are easy. Some are really hard. But it's going to be okay. Today...
1. Gospel music helps. And lots of it. I highly recommend just about anything by Kirk Franklin.
2. Keeping a prayer journal helps. I've started writing out my prayers instead of just 'saying' them in my head. Most nights I can write pages and pages. I just talk to God. I ask him questions, I pray for myself and others; I try to remember to thank Him too for the various good things I have going in my life. It's been a good outlet and I can honestly say each day I've felt stronger and stronger. I believe that's because each night I ask God to help me wake up stronger.
3. I would be lost without my husband. When the embryologist broke the news that we weren't going to have any to transfer, my husband was out of town and was going to be gone for the next two and half days. I holed myself up in my house and just allowed myself to grieve those three days. It was a good thing. I needed to just succumb to it for a little while. The day he came home though I woke up with just the slightest bounce in my step. I didn't think I would have it back for much, much longer, but I realized how much I needed my husband. He's one of my biggest reasons for getting out of bed each morning.
4. It's okay to admit or show you're broken and weak sometimes. I have a hard time doing this. It makes me feel bad about myself if I wallow in self pity or just show emotional weakness of any kind. Don't ask me why. But once I did admit that I need my husband and I need God, I immediately felt better. Not good, but better. And that's as much as I could hope for.
5. I haven't experienced anything worse than the feeling of worthlessness: worthless at being able to give my husband the gift of being a father, my parents and in-laws the gift of being grandparents, my sister, brother and sisters-in-law of being aunts/uncles, etc, etc, etc; worthless at my current job (I'm doing something that I'm a little over-qualified for and it makes me feel like a loser most days); worthless to all my friends for being so self-absorbed in all of this that I feel like I've totally neglected them; worthless to myself in that I let myself believe, and hope, and spend so much money on this; and worst of all, worthless to God that I've let my faith waiver, I've been jealous and envious of every pregnant woman and mother I know or see, and have just overall been someone I never wanted to be - angry, resentful and ungrateful.
6. There's no one that can help me get over those feelings of worthlessness except God. I pray/write to Him every night that He'll help me overcome it. I know how damaging those self-loathing thoughts are. What's most awe-inspiring is that it's helped. I am not spending hours in therapy; I am not taking drugs or drinking; it's just God answering my prayers.
7. Faith is what keeps the light on during the darkest of times. I am consoled with believing that God has an ultimate plan for us. For whatever reason this just wasn't our time. I don't know if I'll ever be a mom. But I know that God has me in this for a reason. I know that this whole experience with infertility is preparing me for some future experience. Of course I don't know what, but I truly believe God has a purpose for us all. He created each of us for a reason. Just because we don't know what that reason is doesn't mean it doesn't exist. Sometimes the reasons are beyond our comprehension. Maybe we'll realize them someday, but until we do, or until we make it to the other side, we just have to keep going, trusting God and His plan. What else is there to do? Keep praying. Keep going. Life goes on.
8. Happiness is a choice. Joy is a gift. You can chose to be miserable day in and day out, or you can chose to be happy. It really is that simple. And if you chose to be happy, you will find joy. Happiness implies something that happens to you. But joy is something that is within you. I think about the times I have been truly joyful: my wedding day, meeting my nieces for the first time, watching something great happen to someone I love. Those are the moments where the good overshadowed the bad because of joy. Those are the moments that make life worth living. Life is not over because I am not pregnant. Life will not end if I don't ever become a mother. But only because I won't let it.
9. All of our experiences are teachers. It's up to us how or whether the lessons are learned. And it's up to us what to do with these lessons. I've learned a lot about myself this year and about God and Life. It's been a hard year but I wouldn't change it or erase it because I was meant to learn these lessons. And I am still learning. I may not become an expert but I hope with each lesson learned I'll get closer to being the person God wants to shape me into being, and I'll understand this crazy, complicated thing we call Life just a tiny bit more.
So what now?
We're working on finding a way to get insurance overage. My husband just started work for a new company that may offer benefits next year (praying hard on that one), and in the meantime I am looking into every possible company/job where I know I would get coverage, even if I have to serve up coffee at Starbucks for $8 an hour. By the way, if you know of a company in the Dallas area that offers infertility coverage, please let me know. I have Conceive Magazine's 2010 list but it's a pretty small list for my area :\
I am going to start hormone replacement therapy. I don't have periods on my own without hormones (I really think I have premature menopause), and I know I would feel better physically and mentally if I could at least cycle regularly. It doesn't necessarily mean I would be ovulating, but from what I researched the cases of conception of prematurely menopausal women on HRT is 5 - 10%.
Someday, when we have the means again financially, and the courage emotionally, we will try IVF again. We will talk to another doctor that's been recommended to me by a lot of women in my support group for his positive attitude alone, (let's just say our doctor that did this first IVF was less than optimistic or encouraging) but we definitely want to try at least once more with my own eggs. I have serious doubts about this last protocol that I won't get into because this post is already way too long, so I haven't given up hope that this can work. Who knows, maybe 6 months on HRT and I'll be in better shape. But I'm just not ready to give up yet.
I leave you with my favorite song right now. It gets me going everyday. Not all of them are easy. Some are really hard. But it's going to be okay. Today...
Friday, September 2, 2011
It's Over
Just got the call from the embryologist. No grow for either embryo.There will be no transfer/implantation.
Thank you to all for your prayers, well wishes, thoughts, support, love, etc.
Thank you to all for your prayers, well wishes, thoughts, support, love, etc.
Thursday, September 1, 2011
Hanging on by a shred
This applies to all of us - me, my husband, our 2 embryos. The embryologist's report today is not good. Both embryos are grade 3. Today is 3 days post fertilization.
Our clinic grades embryos on a 1 - 3 scale, 1 being very good, 2 average and 3 poor. They look at the number of cells, the rate of cell division/growth, how fragmented the cells are, the shape of the cells. All these factors tell them how healthy the embryo is and predicts whether or not it will develop into a viable pregnancy. One embryo has only 3 cells, the other has 6 cells. At 3 days they want to see 6 - 9 cells. But even though the 6 cell embryo has the 'normal' amount of cells, it's still only a grade 3. So as of today, our likelihood of viable pregnancy with either embryo is poor.
Our clinic will wait until Day 5, when the embryo transforms into a blastocyst before transferring/implanting. They do this b/c they believe if they make it to the blastocyst stage as a Grade 1 or 2, the chance of a viable pregnancy is much better. If the embryo makes it to blastocyst stage on Day 5 but is still only a Grade 3, the chance of a viable pregnancy is slim to none. They may also wait until Day 6 before deciding on whether or not to transfer/implant if we have a blastocyst that may be close to that Grade 2. My Day 5 is Saturday, so we'll know by Saturday or Sunday.
So it's not over yet. My friend had an experience where one of her blastocysts literally grew at the last minute, enough to be worthy for implantation. So there is still hope. It is only a shred, but it's something. It's something to get me through the day. God give us strength for tomorrow.
Here's what was in my inbox this morning. I read it before I got the embryologist's report. It gave me goosebumps. It's all I have to hang on to for now...
Our clinic grades embryos on a 1 - 3 scale, 1 being very good, 2 average and 3 poor. They look at the number of cells, the rate of cell division/growth, how fragmented the cells are, the shape of the cells. All these factors tell them how healthy the embryo is and predicts whether or not it will develop into a viable pregnancy. One embryo has only 3 cells, the other has 6 cells. At 3 days they want to see 6 - 9 cells. But even though the 6 cell embryo has the 'normal' amount of cells, it's still only a grade 3. So as of today, our likelihood of viable pregnancy with either embryo is poor.
Our clinic will wait until Day 5, when the embryo transforms into a blastocyst before transferring/implanting. They do this b/c they believe if they make it to the blastocyst stage as a Grade 1 or 2, the chance of a viable pregnancy is much better. If the embryo makes it to blastocyst stage on Day 5 but is still only a Grade 3, the chance of a viable pregnancy is slim to none. They may also wait until Day 6 before deciding on whether or not to transfer/implant if we have a blastocyst that may be close to that Grade 2. My Day 5 is Saturday, so we'll know by Saturday or Sunday.
So it's not over yet. My friend had an experience where one of her blastocysts literally grew at the last minute, enough to be worthy for implantation. So there is still hope. It is only a shred, but it's something. It's something to get me through the day. God give us strength for tomorrow.
Here's what was in my inbox this morning. I read it before I got the embryologist's report. It gave me goosebumps. It's all I have to hang on to for now...
Your Time is Coming
TODAY’S SCRIPTURE
“For the vision is yet for an appointed time...though it tarry, wait for it.”
(Habakkuk 2:3, KJV)
(Habakkuk 2:3, KJV)
TODAY’S WORD from Joel and Victoria
If you’ve been standing in faith for the promises of God, I want you to know today that your time is coming! The dreams and desires in your heart, the things you want to accomplish, the situations you want to see changed will happen. Don’t give up just because it has taken a long time, or just because you’ve tried and failed.
I encourage you today — get your fire back! Don’t be complacent about pursuing what God has placed in your heart. It may be taking a long time, but God is a faithful God. No matter how long it’s been, no matter how impossible it looks, if you’ll stay in faith, your time is coming. Every dream that’s in your heart, every promise that has taken root, God not only put it there, but He has every intention of bringing it to pass.
Declare today, “My time is coming...God is working behind the scenes on my behalf...I will fulfill my destiny...I will fulfill the plan God has for my life!” As you declare, expect, and wait for the appointed time, your faith will grow. Your hope will grow. And you’ll step into the destiny God has in store for you!
A PRAYER FOR TODAY
Father in Heaven, I receive Your truth today and hold on to Your promises. I ask that You ignite my heart with Your holy fire so that I can pursue Your perfect plan for my life. Make my thoughts and words agreeable to Your will as I meditate on Your Word. In Jesus’ name, amen.
Tuesday, August 30, 2011
And then there were 2
The doctor called today and only 2 eggs were viable. He said the others were just too immature, and after almost 3 weeks of stims there just wasn't much more we could do to change that, which I understood. It's just so incredibly frustrating that we had to spend as much as we did on the drugs for only 2 eggs. Women w/ a normal egg count can produce around 20 eggs and only need a fraction of the medication I did. It's also hard not to get discouraged right now about the success of future cycles. It's so much to go through for such a small chance. But 2 is all we get and I guess we better like it. Two is better than 0. So Thursday will be considered Day 3 of our two embryos' lives and they will officially have a grade from the embryologist. They grade them on a 1 -3 scale: 1 being very good, 2 average and 3 poor. This grade will tell us the likelihood that the embryo will continue to grow and end up a viable pregnancy. My understanding is it does not predict anything about the 'normalcy' of the embryo as far as any genetic or chromosomal abnormalities, it simply tells us how great the likelihood of a miscarriage.
So we are holding our breaths for Thursday when we get the report from the embryologist. And praying. It's in God's hands now and I am nervous and worried and scared. But hopeful. Still hopeful.
So we are holding our breaths for Thursday when we get the report from the embryologist. And praying. It's in God's hands now and I am nervous and worried and scared. But hopeful. Still hopeful.
Monday, August 29, 2011
Level 1 Complete
The egg retrieval is over! It's a relief. I wasn't sure what to expect in the way of pain, and of course how many eggs we'd have, but it went okay. Our doctor got 5 eggs total - 3 of them were mature, the other two were still slightly small and therefore probably immature - but 3 out of 5 isn't so bad. Now we wait for the fertilization report tomorrow. Doc will tell us how many of those 5 eggs fertilized. Of those fertilized eggs we'll wait another 2 days and then we'll know which of those fertilized are growing embroys.
So it'll be a nail biter of a week. Tonight I start on the progesterone shots which I am not looking forward to. I hear they are a real pain in the ass :)
So it'll be a nail biter of a week. Tonight I start on the progesterone shots which I am not looking forward to. I hear they are a real pain in the ass :)
Friday, August 26, 2011
Standby for take off...
Our last monitoring appt was today! So here's the final count: on my right ovary I have a 24 and an 18, on my left I have a 21 and two 13's. I didn't know this until the nurse mentioned it, but when the follicles get as big as 24 mm they aren't 'good' eggs, so that one won't count, but she said the 21 and the 18 for sure should, and hopefully the two 13's. They want the follicles at least 14mm. Doc has me taking one more megadose of Follistim tonight to hopefully push them over the edge, and the nurse said the hCG shot tomorrow night might also give them one last blast. For $500 for tonight's dose I just had to order, those slackers better catch up! So we are hoping and praying that we will have 4 eggs total for retrieval, which is scheduled for Monday. Thankfully my uterine lining isn't an issue this go around since I've been on the estrogen supp's. I don't have to do the Viagra!
I'll update next week after the retrieval. I'm not as nervous for it now as I was before our appt this am, now that I know there's a good chance at 4 eggs instead of just 2. I am just praying with everything I have that my eggs are good. So much depends on that. The one advantage of doing this though is to figure that out. Because if they're no good than obviously that changes the game plan quite a bit. But I am trying not to go there; I am trying to take this one day at a time.
Please pray for us. I have never been so nervous/scared/anxious/desperate for anything like this in my entire life. I knew this IVF would forever change me in some way, no matter the outcome. Time will tell what that change may be.
I'll update next week after the retrieval. I'm not as nervous for it now as I was before our appt this am, now that I know there's a good chance at 4 eggs instead of just 2. I am just praying with everything I have that my eggs are good. So much depends on that. The one advantage of doing this though is to figure that out. Because if they're no good than obviously that changes the game plan quite a bit. But I am trying not to go there; I am trying to take this one day at a time.
Please pray for us. I have never been so nervous/scared/anxious/desperate for anything like this in my entire life. I knew this IVF would forever change me in some way, no matter the outcome. Time will tell what that change may be.
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