Changes in Latitudes, Changes in Attitudes

Let's see how quickly I can catch my blog up b/c a lot has happened in 2 weeks:

• 1st of all, I'm not PG. I got my BFN last week and it all but broke me. And this was only our second cycle on meds. God give me strength.
• At my baseline u/s earlier this week it was discovered I have not one but 3 cysts this time. I can only hope they all 3 go away as quickly as the one I had last month did. I'll find out on the 29th. Until then I'm relishing the break from needles, hormones and a bloated belly.
• We welcomed a new member to our family, Baby O: my only sister's second born, a baby girl, for whom I also happen to have the honor of being god mother. And she shares a birthday with her grandpa. A special little baby indeed.

Someday I will tell Baby O all about how special she is to not only her parents, who will love her with every fiber of their being, and her grandparents, her big sister and her other aunts, uncles, cousins, etc, but I will tell her about how particularly special she is to me, and how the first two weeks of her beautiful life impacted me.

Baby O was born before I got my BFN last week. Already she was thinking of others :)  It would have been an uncomfortable mix of emotions if she'd been born that same day, and unfortunately I may have always associated her birthday with it. But she spared me of that and my sister any feelings of guilt she may have had too, (I have to remind myself sometimes that I'm not the only one my IF affects). So when she was born it was to every one's pure delight. We ooh'ed and ahhh'ed over the pictures of her and immediately ran out and bought her sweet little outfits, (note to self: department store baby shopping is much easier than baby only store shopping). I've daydreamed about meeting her and holding her for the first time, standing proudly at the baptismal for her Christening. If it were any other birth, any other new baby, I would not feel this way. But there's nothing so precious as your only sister's child; my sister who I love, respect and look up to - who's irreplaceable and my best friend; the person who gave me the highest honor a parent can give someone else of being god parent to their child and legal guardian of her children. I could never, ever resent this child. She's a part of my soul too, just like her mother and her big sister. If I never have my own children, these children will be the next closet thing for me.

So for the past week I have been wallowing. I have been feeling sorry for myself, feeling angry, depressed, sad, all those self centered emotions you feel after another BFN. I'm not saying it's wrong to feel those emotions, especially after a BFN, but Baby O is responsible for redirecting my perspective on my life this week.

Baby O got really sick yesterday. She had to be rushed to the ER and she's in the hospital now with RSV. My sister is the strongest person I know for keeping it together. I don't know how she does it. But as I sat hundreds of miles away from my sister and Baby O but picturing the dire scenario and feeling helpless and beyond worried for them, I realized last night that I went an entire day without thinking about my IF. One whole day without thinking about myself and lamenting on how unfortunate I am. I slept 11 hours last night. I don't think I've slept 11 hours since I entered the Land of IF. Hmm, perhaps a correlation here? It's unfortunate it took this to take my focus off of myself. But I see now that there are so many things in this world bigger than myself. I see that the world doesn't revolve around my IF. Or at least it hasn't for the past 24 hours. For months now my life has revolved around another life that doesn't even exist.

Today I woke up without my IF weighing so heavily on my heart. It's been replaced with Baby O and my sister. I hate that they're going through this and I am worried for them but they have changed my perspectives. Despair has been replaced with hope. Fear has been replaced with faith. And an obsession with a  nonexistent baby has been replaced with a very real baby with a very real impact to leave on her world and the people in it.

Maybe God hasn't had time to think about a baby for me because there are so many in the world that need Him. It's the only part of my IF that's made sense to me so far. I would rather He focus on the babies in the world here today, because there are hundreds of thousands of my sisters all over the world keeping vigil next to an incubator right now, praying for their babies' next breath. It makes my IF seem more like if....

PO'd

Stands for Progesterone Overloaded! I had it checked today and it's through the roof. Literally off the charts. Suffice to say I've been a little irritable this week. But I feel good today! I feel hopeful today. Which may not last long so I'm enjoying it while I can :)
Next Friday will be the pregnancy test. 3.11. That's a good date, right? It's a good band anyway. It also happens to be the day my sister's induction is scheduled. Maybe it's an omen? God either has a really awesome plan (it wouldn't get much better than getting a BFP the same day as the birth of my god daughter and finding out I could have a daughter of my own), or he's got a really twisted sense of humor. If it's the latter I'm going to need some tomatoes. Lots and lots of tomatoes...

I simply remember my favorite things...

I am officially done with the gonad. inj's for this cycle. I gave myself my trigger shot this am and will start on progesterone Sat. So I have 2 large and 1 medium follicle on my left ovary and 1 medium on my right. Doc said yesterday that my uterine lining looks really good - thicker this cycle. And I only had to do 9 days of injections this cycle as opposed to 12 days for the first one, so it seems she's got my dosage figured out. So I'll go back next Fri to have my progesterone test and then I believe the following week for the pregnancy test.

I let myself fantasize last pm for a little while about the fact that if this cycle works that would give us a Thanksgiving baby. I like the idea of a baby around the holidays. The holidays symbolizes family, warmth, love and giving to me. Christmas has always been my favorite holiday. I got married in June but I always thought a December wedding would have been beautiful with a Christmasey theme - ivory faux fur trimmed gown accessories, forest green bridesmaid dresses with holly berries in the bouquets, sparkly snowflake decorations, snow falling, candlelight...ahhhh. Now I fantasize about ringing in a new year with a new baby, new hopes for the future, old fears and sadness gone, long gone. I had to go to my happy place yesterday when the nurse who's drawn my blood every time this cycle, the one who abuses the hell out of my veins by shoving and yanking needles in and out for some unknown Godly reason; and that place was somewhere far away from that clinic and the sadistic nurse, filled with soft light, warmth, stillness and peace. When it was over I'm not sure if my arms ached so bad from the needles or the realization that it was only my purse I had been clinging on to...

I'm not only a member, I'm the President

It's President's Day and I'm thinking what it must have been like to have been president. President of anything. I've never been a president of anything. Never wanted to be. I have never wanted to subject myself to peer votes, scrutiny, judgement and criticism. I'm a wallflower kind of girl. I'll speak up when I want my voice to be heard, but otherwise just pretend I'm not even there. I really do prefer it that way; I always have. So to imagine being president of anything is about the least appealing thing to me.

However, I think I've become an accidental president. And it's been purely of my own accord. I've labeled myself, taken on this new role and this new identity, contemplated my new role at large, made myself own it. I am the President of Infertility in my own mind. At some point, I made my identity about being infertile. Hell, I refer to myself as "Infertile." It's who I am. It's what I do, (or rather don't do). And it's unhealthy.

I learned a couple years ago that labeling yourself and putting yourself into these categories like "childless" and "infertile," is a bad thing. Those labels tend to shape our thoughts and emotions, the way we interrelate, the way we treat ourselves. They can influence our thoughts and consequently our well being, and not always in a good way. "Infertile" has a negative connotation. You don't proudly announce to strangers that you're infertile. If you do, we need to talk because that makes you a very unique individual. So I have given myself a label that I associate with all these negative emotions; there are countless amounts of them that I don't need to list because if you're reading this you already know them, or you can probably pretty well guess what those are. So in labeling myself as an Infertile I've attached myself to all those other negative terms. "Because I am Infertile, I am insert negative thought or emotion here."

So I am going to start working on resigning from the Infertile label. I haven't quite figured out how I'm going to do that yet - your suggestions are welcome. But I know if I can take myself out of that box then maybe some of the negative things I think about myself as a result will start to go away some.

In other news, my dr appt this am showed two large follicles on the good ovary and one medium sized one on the gimpy ovary - a feat in itself! My estradiol is up to 182 today from 62 on Fri, so doc thinks I'll be ready for my trigger shot Wed. or Thurs. This cycle has been a lot easier than the first. Maybe it's because I've known what to expect so I'm a little less scared, but either way, it feels like a small accomplishment. For today that's good enough for me. After all, I am the President so if it's good enough for me it should be good enough for everyone :)

No Cyst = Injectible Bliss

I went back to the dr yesterday to have my cyst checked out and it's gone! And she said I could go ahead and get started on my 2nd cycle of gonad. inj's! Very exciting. I thought I'd have to wait for another period but she said it was up to me but I was free to go ahead, so I'm going on ahead. Why wait? So here we go with Attempt # 2. She's got me on the higher dosage to start, which is how she ended the last cycle, so I expect to be a hormonal mess by next week. And bloated. Ugh. I've really enjoyed the joys of a non bloated abdomen these past 3 weeks. Oh well, beggars can't be choosers...

Practice Makes Better

When I was in middle school, everyday in gym class consisted of having to participate in some sport I absolutely hated. I have never had athletic ability, much less talent, so everyday in gym class the mean girls would patronize me. I was the last one picked. I was the one laughed at. It was humiliating.

And then one day, after an especially self deflating game of volleyball in gym class, I asked my mom to buy me a volleyball, which she did, and I started to practice at home by myself everyday. We didn't have a net but I would stand at the back of our driveway and practice spiking and volleying off the garage and the side of our house. As much as I hated playing volleyball in gym class, as embarrassed as I was by my performance, when I was alone and slapping that ball around, something inside me started to release. With every slap of that ball a little more frustration and anxiety moved from my insides, out through my hand. That ball was the head of every mean girl in that class that made me feel so inferior.

Last week when I got my BFN I went to the gym immediately after work and pounded out my frustration and anxiety on the treadmill. Every time my foot landed on the treadmill I imagined myself squashing the pain I felt. You better believe it felt good! But I didn't do that today. Instead I surrendered to the pain. And I'm learning from that mistake.

My period started on its own which definitely felt like a small victory since I hadn't had one in over a year. So I went in all ready to take on the 2nd cycle. I brought my positive attitude and a smile on my face. But the u/s showed I have a cyst on my left ovary, the good one, so it was over before it began. Cysts are apparently a common occurrence with gonadotropin injections. And my RE said they're really not a big deal; it should go away on its own, but until then it's a time out. And it's seriously frustrating.

I didn't sleep much over the w/e, probably from too much caffeine, and I woke up exhausted today. The exhaustion manifested into what was a horrible headache by the end of the day. I put myself to bed at 5:30. My last fleeting thought as I drifted off was how badly I just wanted to stay in that state until I could wake up to no more cysts, no more infertility, no more waiting for the inevitable, ultimate let down; just to wake up after one long, all to real nightmare. Well I'm awake now and the reality has been taunting me like the mean girls in gym class.

Isn't it funny how so much can change yet stay the same? Sixteen years later and I still feel that inferiority and insecurity like I did when I was 14, (my hormones are still raging too). I still have a nemesis, although now it just doesn't have a face. And I still have it in me to fight that nemesis. Even though I never was the gym class hero, at some point, after all those afternoons with my volleyball on our driveway, I got better. Practice didn't make perfect but it made better. I stopped being so afraid of the ball. I started hitting it back. And the mean girls weren't so mean anymore.

So as I sit here feeling sorry for myself, just the way I felt all those years ago, I can see myself standing in our driveway, staring down at that volleyball, throwing it up in the air, striking it with the heel of my hand. And sending it flying.

I Just Haven't Met You Yet

We got our first negative pregnancy test result today. I would write all about my feelings - those ones simmering under my skin like blood blisters, threatening to break open and ooze the gunk that I can feel in the pit of my stomach, the back of my throat and behind my eyes, making me feel as though I could break into a thousand tiny pieces. Those omnipresent feelings that are trying really hard to take over me, mind and body. But I'm fighting an internal war with those feelings right now that takes all my concentration, so until further notice, I will be doing battle. Day in and day out.

What's the next step? Another cycle, but first I have to wait for a period, which may not come considering I haven't had one in 14 months. I'm to wait 10 days and if I still don't start one I'll have to notify my RE. So if you don't hear from me for a while, that's why. Once my period starts I can begin Cycle #2.

I heard this song on the radio yesterday. Whoever wrote it thought he/she wrote it for all the lonely single people out there. Little did he/she probably know that it could touch someone who's not longing for a lover in their life, but a special someone never the less....



I'm not surprised, not everything lasts
I've broken my heart so many times, I stopped keeping track
Talk myself in, I talk myself out
I get all worked up, then I let myself down

I tried so very hard not to lose it
I came up with a million excuses
I thought of every possibility

And I know someday that it'll all turn out
You'll make me work, so we can work to work it out
And I promise you, Kid, that I give so much more than I get
I just haven't met you yet

I might have to wait, I'll never give up
I guess it's half timing, and the other half's luck
Wherever you are, whenever it's right
You'll come out of nowhere and into my life

And I know that we can be so amazing
And, Baby, your love is gonna change me
And now I can see every possibility

And somehow I know that it'll all turn out
You'll make me work, so we can work to work it out
And I promise you, Kid, I give so much more than I get
I just haven't met you yet

They say all's fair
In love and war
But I won't need to fight it
We'll get it right and we'll be united

And I know that we can be so amazing
And being in your life is gonna change me
And now I can see every single possibility

And someday I know it'll all turn out
And I'll work to work it out
Promise you, Kid, I'll give more than I get

I just haven't met you yet.