Friday, March 18, 2011

Changes in Latitudes, Changes in Attitudes

Let's see how quickly I can catch my blog up b/c a lot has happened in 2 weeks:

  • 1st of all, I'm not PG. I got my BFN last week and it all but broke me. And this was only our second cycle on meds. God give me strength.
  • At my baseline u/s earlier this week it was discovered I have not one but 3 cysts this time. I can only hope they all 3 go away as quickly as the one I had last month did. I'll find out on the 29th. Until then I'm relishing the break from needles, hormones and a bloated belly.
  • We welcomed a new member to our family, Baby O: my only sister's second born, a baby girl, for whom I also happen to have the honor of being god mother. And she shares a birthday with her grandpa. A special little baby indeed.
Someday I will tell Baby O all about how special she is to not only her parents, who will love her with every fiber of their being, and her grandparents, her big sister and her other aunts, uncles, cousins, etc, but I will tell her about how particularly special she is to me, and how the first two weeks of her beautiful life impacted me.

Baby O was born before I got my BFN last week. Already she was thinking of others :)  It would have been an uncomfortable mix of emotions if she'd been born that same day, and unfortunately I may have always associated her birthday with it. But she spared me of that and my sister any feelings of guilt she may have had too, (I have to remind myself sometimes that I'm not the only one my IF affects). So when she was born it was to every one's pure delight. We ooh'ed and ahhh'ed over the pictures of her and immediately ran out and bought her sweet little outfits, (note to self: department store baby shopping is much easier than baby only store shopping). I've daydreamed about meeting her and holding her for the first time, standing proudly at the baptismal for her Christening. If it were any other birth, any other new baby, I would not feel this way. But there's nothing so precious as your only sister's child; my sister who I love, respect and look up to - who's irreplaceable and my best friend; the person who gave me the highest honor a parent can give someone else of being god parent to their child and legal guardian of her children. I could never, ever resent this child. She's a part of my soul too, just like her mother and her big sister. If I never have my own children, these children will be the next closet thing for me.

So for the past week I have been wallowing. I have been feeling sorry for myself, feeling angry, depressed, sad, all those self centered emotions you feel after another BFN. I'm not saying it's wrong to feel those emotions, especially after a BFN, but Baby O is responsible for redirecting my perspective on my life this week.

Baby O got really sick yesterday. She had to be rushed to the ER and she's in the hospital now with RSV. My sister is the strongest person I know for keeping it together. I don't know how she does it. But as I sat hundreds of miles away from my sister and Baby O but picturing the dire scenario and feeling helpless and beyond worried for them, I realized last night that I went an entire day without thinking about my IF. One whole day without thinking about myself and lamenting on how unfortunate I am. I slept 11 hours last night. I don't think I've slept 11 hours since I entered the Land of IF. Hmm, perhaps a correlation here? It's unfortunate it took this to take my focus off of myself. But I see now that there are so many things in this world bigger than myself. I see that the world doesn't revolve around my IF. Or at least it hasn't for the past 24 hours. For months now my life has revolved around another life that doesn't even exist.

Today I woke up without my IF weighing so heavily on my heart. It's been replaced with Baby O and my sister. I hate that they're going through this and I am worried for them but they have changed my perspectives. Despair has been replaced with hope. Fear has been replaced with faith. And an obsession with a  nonexistent baby has been replaced with a very real baby with a very real impact to leave on her world and the people in it.

Maybe God hasn't had time to think about a baby for me because there are so many in the world that need Him. It's the only part of my IF that's made sense to me so far. I would rather He focus on the babies in the world here today, because there are hundreds of thousands of my sisters all over the world keeping vigil next to an incubator right now, praying for their babies' next breath. It makes my IF seem more like if....

Friday, March 4, 2011


Stands for Progesterone Overloaded! I had it checked today and it's through the roof. Literally off the charts. Suffice to say I've been a little irritable this week. But I feel good today! I feel hopeful today. Which may not last long so I'm enjoying it while I can :)
Next Friday will be the pregnancy test. 3.11. That's a good date, right? It's a good band anyway. It also happens to be the day my sister's induction is scheduled. Maybe it's an omen? God either has a really awesome plan (it wouldn't get much better than getting a BFP the same day as the birth of my god daughter and finding out I could have a daughter of my own), or he's got a really twisted sense of humor. If it's the latter I'm going to need some tomatoes. Lots and lots of tomatoes...