Tuesday, April 26, 2011

On the Way Down

So this is rock bottom. This must be what Hell feels like.

I had a pregnancy. A live, living, real embryo or blastocyst. Not sure which. But it was real. I felt it. And I loved it. And now, nothing. It's still there. It's still in me, hanging on by a thread, but it will be gone eventually.

My beta was 23 on Friday, 10 dpo. Good Friday was so good indeed. Like a fool I thanked  God. Like a fool I told my family I was pregnant and gave them hope. Like a fool I let myself believe. I let myself hope. I have never hated myself more for that.

Today my beta was 25. I don't know what went wrong. My instinct is that it's ectopic b/c I have sharp pains and I fainted Sat am with cold sweats. But I don't know for sure what went wrong. It could be anything: bad egg, the fact my uterine lining was so thin this cycle, chromosomal defect, autoimmune issue as yet undiscovered. People say, it's good. It's promising that I got pregnant at all. It's a step forward. I don't feel that optimism. I don't feel that hope. Now I just have another issue to contend with. Not only am I infertile but now I may not be able to sustain a pregnancy. Ever. Is it over for me? Is it over before it even began?

Now all I can do is wait and see if my hCG drops off on its own and my body terminates the pregnancy naturally. If it doesn't it'll mean...I can't even type it out. I am so close to vomiting. Oh God, please help me. Please take away this pain. Please take away this baby. First I beg for a baby then I beg for it to be taken away. How ironic. How idiotic. How cruel is this. How will I get out of bed tomorrow? How will I go to work and pretend there isn't a dying baby inside of me? How will I wait out each day until its gone while being able to function? How will I heal? How will I live with these scars? How will I have the courage to try this again?

How? When? Why? I have so many questions that may never be answered; so many questions that can never be answered. So this is rock bottom. That's one question that no longer needs answering.

Saturday, April 9, 2011

Finding Beautiful

I'm triggering tonight but this cycle has been really different from the first two, both physically and mentally.

Physically, I have one fully mature follie. Go me. Ironically enough it's on my right ovary, the "cresent" ovary, (it was partially removed along w/ a cyst back in '98). I guess my right ovary feels like it has something to prove. I have 7 medium sized follies on my left, whole ovary. The biggest one is 15mm but the rest are all 13mm and under. Also sub par is my uterine lining. It measured 6.1mm this am. From what I understand 9mm is  ideal and it's not been an issue the last two cycles. So doc has me starting on an estrogen patch Tues along with the progesterone. Should make for an interesting combination. Has anyone had to do both these post ovulation? I've been taking the progesterone post ovulation but never the estrogen. My E2 was 600 yesterday though which is about where it's been by this time from the other two cycles. So with only one mature follicle and a thinner than ideal uterine lining, I guess the odds aren't in our favor.

Mentally, the first two cycles were filled with so much anxiety by the time I ovulated, and all during the 2ww. And then depression as the beta crept closer with the realization that I wasn't PG, only to be confirmed by that formal, disconnected voice of my nurse on the other end: "I'm sorry..." Which brings me to a side note: I really hate the phrase 'I'm sorry' right now. I know that saying 'I'm sorry' is meant to convey empathy, but I hate it when people tell me they're sorry because it makes me feel like I'm sorry. They're so sorry for me. I hate the idea of people thinking how sorry of a situation I have. I guess I just hate that word. Sorry = pity. It's just a negative association at this point. I would much rather hear things like, I'm praying for you, or keep your head up. Anyway, I'm sure I come off sounding like total B with my I'm Sorry rant but that's just how I feel :\

Anyway, what I was getting to was this cycle hasn't been nearly as anxiety inducing or emotionally unstable for me. I cried and threw temper tantrums more than I thought a 30 year old woman capable of during the 1st two cycles, but not this time! I haven't cried once since I got my BFN last month. I haven't ranted (out loud) once since the last cycle. And it's not because I'm holding it in. It's because I just don't need to. I feel "normal" this cycle. I feel more like my old self, before IF became a part of my daily vocabulary. Before IF became my obession. Maybe it's because my body reacted differently to the hormones this time. Maybe it's because I've been really working on not drowning in the negative inner dialog I've fed myself for the past several months. Maybe it's because I'm starting to focus on other things like summer vacations and a career change. Those are things I can really get excited about that don't have to do with making babies! In fact,  they're kinda less than ideal for baby making ;) 

Whatever it is, it's made today much more enjoyable. I don't know how I'll feel tomorrow or the next day or the next, but today I'm chosing to focus on the things outside the private turmoil of IF. I have to remind myself consistently, but there are a lot of things I can do and think about that will help bring me peace and even happiness. Like for instance, my husband and I went on an 8 mile walk around the lake today and it was wonderful. We went after my doctor appointment, right after I'd found out about my thin uterine lining and small follicles. If we'd come home and sat all afternoon, if I'd really dwelled on this less than ideal situation of which I have no control over, I might be writing a very different blog right now. But instead we went out, drank in some sunshine, breathed in some fresh lake air, and I felt just organically happy. Just to walk beside my husband and talk to my husband for 2 hours uninterrupted about everything and nothing. So this cycle may not work again. I'll be heartbroken, no doubt. But I'll also be ok. And if I let myself, I'll also be happy again at some point. Because there will always be another sunny, beautiful day with fresh air and a clean lake and good strong legs to get me around it. And a husband at my side who has seen me at my absolute worst and loves me no less for it. For these things, life can be beautiful, if I only promise to look for the beauty.

Friday, April 1, 2011

The Power of Now

I'm back in the game. I started back on my injections the other night after the u/s this week showed my cysts are gone. So this is cycle # 3. And my HSG I had done last week didn't show any blockage. Let's hope it helped paved the way for traveling embryos.

I've been thinking a lot about plans lately - making plans mostly. I've been a planner my whole life. I need organization. I need order and structure and stability. I need to know exactly where I am going and exactly how to get there. I'm always thinking two steps ahead. I get lost in the future sometimes I think about it so much. I think about how to make it exactly as I want it. I want children so I think about what I'm going to need to do to have children. I want a career change so I think about what I have to do to make a career change. But what's funny is that while I tell myself these are things I can control, things I need to control (yes, I am a major control freak), I know that there's not much in life we have control over. The ability to have children is pretty much totally out of my control and the career change is somewhat in my control but not completely. There are a million things that could derail that plan. And that's the funny thing about plans - they rarely work out like they are supposed to.

Thinking back on my life the most important and significant events were unplanned. I didn't plan on calling my now husband one day after not speaking to him in two years and that conversation leading to the relationship that would last a lifetime. I just did it one day on a whim. I didn't plan on my now husband moving across the country to start a life with me. He told me he'd made that decision one day and 8 weeks later we were moving into an apartment together. I didn't plan on having the job and the career I have now. I just happened to be in the right place at the right time. I didn't plan on being infertile.

So why do we work so hard on these big plans we make for ourselves if we know we aren't guaranteed the outcome? Why can't we just live in the moment, for the moment? I understand that there are circumstances that warrant some planning. If I am to make the career change and have children despite my infertility there needs to be some sort of plan. Waking up day after day without taking any action definitely won't make either of those things happen. But at what point do we tell ourselves, I've done enough. I'm going to go to school to make my career change, or take these shots every night, but beyond that I'm not making any more plans.

Maybe I feel like if I just keep moving at a runner's pace I'm sure to make these plans happen. And let's just say that they do. Then what? I start planning again? Maybe this time it's for a second child, or now that I've finished school I've got to land that job in my new career and work my way up the ladder. Are you exhausted yet? If you're anything like me you've been planning for so long that you don't remember where you started. And you don't know if you are where you are today because of either good or bad planning or because of coincidence or fate or whatever. But it doesn't matter why we are where we are today or how we got here. That's the past. It's over. And the future doesn't belong to any of us. For all of our planning and ambitions it's only as certain as the next sunrises and sunsets. And who is planning those?

So that just leaves us with right now. Right this minute you are reading this and in the back of your mind you're still thinking about your plans and your future. That's ok. I am too. Most of us don't live in the present nearly as much as we should and that's to our detriment. Right this minute I'm listening to the soft sounds of the crickets outside my window. I'm feeling the warm spring air through the window. I'm smelling fresh, new grass. No plans. No worries. No pain. Not for those 10 seconds that I just took a complete time out to notice those things instead of thinking about my plans and my future.

"Unease, anxiety, tension, stress, worry — all forms of fear — are caused by too much future, and not enough presence. Guilt, regret, resentment, grievances, sadness, bitterness, and all forms of non forgiveness are caused by too much past, and not enough presence."
-Eckhart Tolle

"Be where you are. Otherwise you will miss your life."