Monday, January 31, 2011

Practice Makes Better

When I was in middle school, everyday in gym class consisted of having to participate in some sport I absolutely hated. I have never had athletic ability, much less talent, so everyday in gym class the mean girls would patronize me. I was the last one picked. I was the one laughed at. It was humiliating.

And then one day, after an especially self deflating game of volleyball in gym class, I asked my mom to buy me a volleyball, which she did, and I started to practice at home by myself everyday. We didn't have a net but I would stand at the back of our driveway and practice spiking and volleying off the garage and the side of our house. As much as I hated playing volleyball in gym class, as embarrassed as I was by my performance, when I was alone and slapping that ball around, something inside me started to release. With every slap of that ball a little more frustration and anxiety moved from my insides, out through my hand. That ball was the head of every mean girl in that class that made me feel so inferior.

Last week when I got my BFN I went to the gym immediately after work and pounded out my frustration and anxiety on the treadmill. Every time my foot landed on the treadmill I imagined myself squashing the pain I felt. You better believe it felt good! But I didn't do that today. Instead I surrendered to the pain. And I'm learning from that mistake.

My period started on its own which definitely felt like a small victory since I hadn't had one in over a year. So I went in all ready to take on the 2nd cycle. I brought my positive attitude and a smile on my face. But the u/s showed I have a cyst on my left ovary, the good one, so it was over before it began. Cysts are apparently a common occurrence with gonadotropin injections. And my RE said they're really not a big deal; it should go away on its own, but until then it's a time out. And it's seriously frustrating.

I didn't sleep much over the w/e, probably from too much caffeine, and I woke up exhausted today. The exhaustion manifested into what was a horrible headache by the end of the day. I put myself to bed at 5:30. My last fleeting thought as I drifted off was how badly I just wanted to stay in that state until I could wake up to no more cysts, no more infertility, no more waiting for the inevitable, ultimate let down; just to wake up after one long, all to real nightmare. Well I'm awake now and the reality has been taunting me like the mean girls in gym class.

Isn't it funny how so much can change yet stay the same? Sixteen years later and I still feel that inferiority and insecurity like I did when I was 14, (my hormones are still raging too). I still have a nemesis, although now it just doesn't have a face. And I still have it in me to fight that nemesis. Even though I never was the gym class hero, at some point, after all those afternoons with my volleyball on our driveway, I got better. Practice didn't make perfect but it made better. I stopped being so afraid of the ball. I started hitting it back. And the mean girls weren't so mean anymore.

So as I sit here feeling sorry for myself, just the way I felt all those years ago, I can see myself standing in our driveway, staring down at that volleyball, throwing it up in the air, striking it with the heel of my hand. And sending it flying.

Tuesday, January 25, 2011

I Just Haven't Met You Yet

We got our first negative pregnancy test result today. I would write all about my feelings - those ones simmering under my skin like blood blisters, threatening to break open and ooze the gunk that I can feel in the pit of my stomach, the back of my throat and behind my eyes, making me feel as though I could break into a thousand tiny pieces. Those omnipresent feelings that are trying really hard to take over me, mind and body. But I'm fighting an internal war with those feelings right now that takes all my concentration, so until further notice, I will be doing battle. Day in and day out.

What's the next step? Another cycle, but first I have to wait for a period, which may not come considering I haven't had one in 14 months. I'm to wait 10 days and if I still don't start one I'll have to notify my RE. So if you don't hear from me for a while, that's why. Once my period starts I can begin Cycle #2.

I heard this song on the radio yesterday. Whoever wrote it thought he/she wrote it for all the lonely single people out there. Little did he/she probably know that it could touch someone who's not longing for a lover in their life, but a special someone never the less....

I'm not surprised, not everything lasts
I've broken my heart so many times, I stopped keeping track
Talk myself in, I talk myself out
I get all worked up, then I let myself down

I tried so very hard not to lose it
I came up with a million excuses
I thought of every possibility

And I know someday that it'll all turn out
You'll make me work, so we can work to work it out
And I promise you, Kid, that I give so much more than I get
I just haven't met you yet

I might have to wait, I'll never give up
I guess it's half timing, and the other half's luck
Wherever you are, whenever it's right
You'll come out of nowhere and into my life

And I know that we can be so amazing
And, Baby, your love is gonna change me
And now I can see every possibility

And somehow I know that it'll all turn out
You'll make me work, so we can work to work it out
And I promise you, Kid, I give so much more than I get
I just haven't met you yet

They say all's fair
In love and war
But I won't need to fight it
We'll get it right and we'll be united

And I know that we can be so amazing
And being in your life is gonna change me
And now I can see every single possibility

And someday I know it'll all turn out
And I'll work to work it out
Promise you, Kid, I'll give more than I get

I just haven't met you yet.

Thursday, January 20, 2011

Hope Bloats

I was so happy to be done with the injections for a while but the progesterone is starting to catch up to me :\  I feel hungry pretty much all the time, irritability comes and goes, but by far the most uncomfortable side effect is the bloating. Anything that doesn't have an elastic waist can feel uncomfortable and I feel pretty self conscious about it. I keep looking at my stomach in mirrors from side angles the way pregnant women do. I don't know why I like to torture myself. It's so ironic that the same drug(s) that are supposed to help you conceive have side effects that mirror pregnancy symptoms. It's like the ultimate betrayal by my body - I'm gonna make you think and feel like you're pregnant, but SYCH! Just kidding. What, you mean you don't want all the pregnancy symptoms without the actual pregnancy?! Me and my body are on two different pages. Or books more like it.

Despite the sarcasm, I really am feeling pretty okay psychologically. I've been trying to keep a positive attitude and focus on things outside the baby world, like work, family, friends. I've been thinking I need a new hobby. Exercise has been it for a long time but I've been scaling back, especially my cardio, just in case. Reading provides a great escape but I need something somewhat physical that I can turn my energy towards. Although I don't have a lot of that right now, so maybe something that will help perk it up.

I got very good news on Tuesday! My progesterone level is through the roof (well into the 40s), so I'm still in the running and responding really well (maybe too well if you ask me), to the medicine, although my RE didn't want to decrease my dosage. But that made me feel good that those results were so positive. Not because it necessarily means I'm pregnant, but certainly the more progesterone the better, and hopefully it's a sign of things to come, i.e. a successful cycle.

I go back next week for the moment of truth. The culmination of the past 4 weeks. Do or die. Make or break. The all mighty, all powerful, Pregnancy Test. Dun Dun Duh! It seems a little early to me b/c it'll only be about 10 days post ovulation. So if I get a negative you better believe I'll be administering a follow up! Maybe that's the overachiever in me. I guess I just don't trust my body at this point even one iota. B/c you know the second I know for sure I'm not pregnant I am having a drink or two or three, etc.

Tuesday, January 11, 2011

Now Faith

My coworker sends out daily devotionals that she gets, I believe from Joel Osteen. I guess He knew I wouldn't be listening, but I am reading...

Today's Scripture:
" Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen"
(Hebrews 11:1, KJV).
Today's Word:
The Bible says that faith gives substance to the things you hope for. In other words, faith brings those things into your life. Notice this verse starts by saying, “Now faith…” It’s not “later” faith or “one day” faith. It’s faith for today, right now.
So, what does it mean to have “now” faith? The basic definition of faith, according to the Bible, is simply believing in God’s goodness and believing that He rewards the people who seek after Him. It’s taking His Word as truth—right now. Can you believe that God wants to move in your life, today? Do you believe He can provide for your need, today? Do you believe He can heal your relationship, today? Do you believe He can give you that promotion, today?
Whatever you are hoping for, open your heart and expect that God is working on your behalf, right now. Dare to believe that God will come through for you, today. Stand strong and declare that the victory is yours, now! Let your words put action behind your “now” faith and receive His strength and power to see victory in every area of your life!
Prayer for Today:
Father in heaven, today I choose to believe that You are working behind the scenes on my behalf. I trust that You have a good plan for me and that You are leading and guiding my every step. Help me stand strong in You, today. In Jesus’ Name. Amen

Monday, January 10, 2011


So I guess tomorrow's the day. 1/11/11. That's gotta be a good sign, right? Our RE said this am everything looks good; we're scheduled for the "trigger" shot in the am, go to "work," and then I guess it's the waiting game for about 2 weeks after. This am I felt pretty optimistic - excited in fact. But now there's a bowling ball in my stomach. I'm scared. Like, really scared. And I can't really explain why. I'm not afraid of pain or shots or anything physical like that. I can handle that. I've been thru many car wrecks, a major surgery, self-injections most recently; I'm a bad ass.


On the inside I feel so fragile. I'm afraid of failure. I know that the chances of this working on the first cycle are so small. I've read the stat's. I know the stories. Failure happens. A lot. How am I going to handle it if/when we're added to the list? I know, I'm putting the cart before the horse right now. How can I expect this to work if I keep telling myself it's not going to work? I've heard the advise. Relax, have fun. It'll happen. Put it in God's hands and He will provide. Trust in the Lord.


These verbs are so anti synonymous with IF.

I've got a lot of praying to do...

Sunday, January 9, 2011

And on the 7th day He rested...

I read that Nicole Kidman and Keith Urban named their daughter Sunday (sp?), because as a childless couple Sundays were always the hardest. Sundays are family days and those were the days that felt the emptiest to them. I used to think Sunday was a really odd name for a child. Now I think it's the most beautiful name I've ever heard.

My Sunday is the 11th day of my hormone therapy. It's going well considering I've only had a couple of "episodes" this past week, the bloating and fatigue are manageable, and I'm shooting my injections like a seasoned diabetic. Side bar, to all those diabetics out there - you don't get nearly enough credit for dealing with what you do. I think about you as the clock ticks closer to 9 pm every night; as much as I dread and might complain about the shots, I don't have to do them for the rest of my life. So kudos!

Tomorrow we go back to the RE in the am to see how I've progressed since Friday. Friday I had about 4 tiny follicles, which is pretty minimal from what I understand, considering the fact I'm pumping myself with so much hormone that I should have enough follies to make Octomom envious. But at this point I'll take what I can get. I know it's still early and this is all a process so as long as I can keep it up, I'm keeping a positive attitude. So once my follies are mature enough and I have enough of them, I'll get my shot of Ovidrel (sp?) that will release my follies from my ovaries and then it's Go Time. At my u/s on Friday my RE also said my uterine lining is showing progress as well, another essential component for baby-making apparently. I'm learning a lot about the reproductive process. I've always had a fascination with anatomy and physiology so this is right up my alley. Literally. Ha.

But what I really wanted to mention in this blog is a situation I encountered yesterday. It almost caught me off guard, but I'm glad it came up b/c I know it will be the first of many. My BFF and I were at the home of an acquaintance of ours. She has a toddler and an infant and being on the subject of babies and pregnancies, she asked me the Thousand Dollar Question: So when do you think you might have a baby? Now, if my life were a sitcom this is where the scene would freeze and I would speak directly to the viewers, Zack Morris style. And the monologue would have gone something like this:

"She wants to know when I'm gonna have a baby! Well let's see, probably the minute my dormant ovaries WAKE THE F--- UP! But I don't know lady, you tell me. I know, let's all take a bet. Whoever gets the closest to the date the miracle of synthetic hormones work their magic gets a free box of Bravelle! And if you act in the next 5 minutes we'll throw in a free box of sharps!"

But what she heard was, well we tried for a year but I'm not ovulating so now I'm on hormone shots. I just started just before the New Year so it's still early. But we'll see what happens. Silence. Stunned silence. Then, oh well good luck! Well thanks, I can certainly use it. And that promptly ended any further prodding. So this is how I will handle it when, unsolicited, acquaintances ask about the state of our family planning. Ask and you shall receive I suppose. I figure this way any future inquiries are prevented. When's the last time you wanted to ask someone you don't know very well how their fertility treatments are going? Yeah, me either.