Monday, February 21, 2011

I'm not only a member, I'm the President

It's President's Day and I'm thinking what it must have been like to have been president. President of anything. I've never been a president of anything. Never wanted to be. I have never wanted to subject myself to peer votes, scrutiny, judgement and criticism. I'm a wallflower kind of girl. I'll speak up when I want my voice to be heard, but otherwise just pretend I'm not even there. I really do prefer it that way; I always have. So to imagine being president of anything is about the least appealing thing to me.

However, I think I've become an accidental president. And it's been purely of my own accord. I've labeled myself, taken on this new role and this new identity, contemplated my new role at large, made myself own it. I am the President of Infertility in my own mind. At some point, I made my identity about being infertile. Hell, I refer to myself as "Infertile." It's who I am. It's what I do, (or rather don't do). And it's unhealthy.

I learned a couple years ago that labeling yourself and putting yourself into these categories like "childless" and "infertile," is a bad thing. Those labels tend to shape our thoughts and emotions, the way we interrelate, the way we treat ourselves. They can influence our thoughts and consequently our well being, and not always in a good way. "Infertile" has a negative connotation. You don't proudly announce to strangers that you're infertile. If you do, we need to talk because that makes you a very unique individual. So I have given myself a label that I associate with all these negative emotions; there are countless amounts of them that I don't need to list because if you're reading this you already know them, or you can probably pretty well guess what those are. So in labeling myself as an Infertile I've attached myself to all those other negative terms. "Because I am Infertile, I am insert negative thought or emotion here."

So I am going to start working on resigning from the Infertile label. I haven't quite figured out how I'm going to do that yet - your suggestions are welcome. But I know if I can take myself out of that box then maybe some of the negative things I think about myself as a result will start to go away some.

In other news, my dr appt this am showed two large follicles on the good ovary and one medium sized one on the gimpy ovary - a feat in itself! My estradiol is up to 182 today from 62 on Fri, so doc thinks I'll be ready for my trigger shot Wed. or Thurs. This cycle has been a lot easier than the first. Maybe it's because I've known what to expect so I'm a little less scared, but either way, it feels like a small accomplishment. For today that's good enough for me. After all, I am the President so if it's good enough for me it should be good enough for everyone :)

18 comments:

  1. This is a great post. I've been thinking a lot lately about mind over matter, etc. It makes sense that infertility can be attached with other negative thoughts.
    Glad to see your follies are growing and you're edging closer to trigger.

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  2. Well Mrs. President, if you need a VP or even a secretary, I'll help you serve! Not because I'm proud to be infertile, but because I like to be in charge. ha!! That's ironic given that I feel like my reproductive system is out of control and I can do nothing to tame it. A title would help. ;)
    AP
    http://mydustyuterus.blogspot.com/

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  3. It's hard living with labels we don't like, even if they aren't untrue. I hope that this cycle is the one for you...

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  4. Good Luck with this cycle. Hopefully it will be the one!

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  5. I like this post--I guess you're right about how labelling ourselves leads to defining ourselves. Not sure how you get away from it though!

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  6. To resign the infertile label maybe see yourself as others see you: Fun, brilliant and articulate - just like this post! wishing every luck and love for this cycle xxxxxxx

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  7. No real advice just support to offer. Love you tons.

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  8. I'm guilty of identifying myself with infertility also. It's very difficult not to when your future is in limbo. Big hugs.
    ICLW.

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  9. ICLW

    I want a new term too! Best of luck with your cycle

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  10. I'd like to be the 'Secretary of the Interior' as I feel it apropriatley refers to my obsession over my empty womb. And I'd like to think the Secretary of the Interior is in charge of throwing the White House parties, and I am great at throwing parties.

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  11. I'd like to be the 'Secretary of the Interior', as I know more about my barren womb then I ever thought I would. Good luck and happy ICLW

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  12. Happy ICLW.

    Yes it is hard to get out of the habit of referring to ourselves as 'infertile' or 'childless'...

    Sending you lots of hugs and wishing you the best with your cycle this time round. xx

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  13. You definitely need a new title. You are the President of Hope. The President of Anticipation.

    Best wishes to you on your journey!

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  14. My inly suggestion would be to overwhelm the infertile thoughts with other labels: smart, capable, writer, whatever it is that is also true. think of the things you're good at, and label yourself with those. Good Luck with this upcoming cycle.

    Jenni - ICLW #12

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  15. Here from ICLW. There's this treatment called the Emotional Freedom Technique where you say things to yourself like, "Even though my ovaries require a jumpstart, I deeply love and respect myself." It just shifts the focus from negativity to a feeling of love and caring for one's self. You can check it out on www.emofree.com. It involves tapping acupressure/acupuncture points while saying these self-affirming statements...I know sounds weird. But, lots of research confirms its ability to heal. Much luck to you!

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  16. i agree with you on the labels, but its been hard for me to not label myself. i feel like the label helps me in some ways to at least defend my feelings.... like, look at me, look at what i have to deal with! but i think you're right. its best to be positive. good luck w your cycle! happy iclw (#47)

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  17. Thank you all for the encouragement. I <3 ICLW!!

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  18. I think I am one of those weird people that announces that they are infertile (well, sterile really.) I feel like it makes me the President of Tough as Nails Land.

    :)


    That said, I too see the dangers of labeling. Everyone has their struggles and their joys. I love how you talked about the cause and affect of labeling. That struck me. I am going to feel that one out for a little bit.

    So good.

    ICLW #163
    www.therhouse.blogspot.com
    infertility * adoption * hope

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