Wednesday, July 11, 2012
How Good Is He?
Just 2 1/2 weeks left of our first trimester! Second sono was today and everything looked great. Heartbeat was the same and baby is still measuring 2 days ahead. I won't have another sono until Sept. But I go back next month to be weighed and have my bp checked again.
God Is Good
Thursday, June 21, 2012
Womb With a View
Of one tiny, perfect embryo.
At some point I will write all about it, but for now I will just say, Praise God...
Thursday, May 31, 2012
Monday, May 14, 2012
*My Husband Won $500 and Other Ways This Day is Awesome
IVF #2 is officially over!
I'll sum it up:
I'll sum it up:
- We did the micro flare Lupron protocol. I started Lupron on CD1 and started stims (Menopur and Bravelle) on CD3. Doc added Ganirelex half dose on CD 6 or 7, as soon as the dominant follicle showed up. I was doing 5 injections a day b/c the Lupron was twice daily throughout the cycle. I could teach Courtney Love a few tricks.
- On CD7 doc was ready to convert to IUI. I was only showing one mature follicle, but I've been to this rodeo a few times and I know my body is slow to respond. I told him we were going to CD10 before deciding to do that.
- On CD10 I had 6 follicles, ranging 26 - 14mm, all on my left ovary. My right ovary just refused to play, but that's no surprise since it's the gimpy one. Doc retracted his IUI idea :)
- CD10 I triggered; CD12 was ER. Lining was 8.4mm. Disappointingly, only 2 eggs were after all mature enough for fertilization. One was too big and full of fluid, the other 3 were just too small.
- Both fertilized naturally. On Day 2, which was yesterday, we had two "average" grade embryos - a 3 and a 4 cell. The average rating is due to some cell fragmentation. Doc and the embryologist wanted to go ahead with a Day 2 transfer (they don't like to keep them to morula or blast when there are none to weed out), so yesterday, Mother's Day, we had our average embryos transferred.
- My attitude. I prayed more and worried less.
- I took up a new hobby (Bikram yoga - LOVED it and will miss doing it).
- I went to acupuncture twice a week all during the cycle and two months prior. My acupuncturist is amazing. I am a believer in acupuncture now, especially for the mental benefits.
- Supplements - prenatal of course, fish oil, iron, melatonin, inositol and pyncogenol
- The protocol itself was very different - micro vs long Lupron, Ganirelex started later, Menopur and Bravelle instead of Menour and Follistim. I took Dex with both cyles, no estrogen with this 2nd cycle, and of course progesterone. *Doc gave me the option of supp instead of PIO!
- The money. OMG the money. We spent $20k on our first IVF, including meds. I am not rounding up. Grand total for IVF #2, including meds - about $1,200. Seriously. And that's b/c I hadn't met my deductible yet, otherwise it would've been even less. I swear to God I have not complained about my <insert expletive here> job once since doing this cycle. Ok maybe once, but I smiled while doing it.
- *We made it to transfer! I read forums that attributed better egg quality to the micro flare Lurpon protocol, and this time egg quality was better. Even though only two were mature, doc said they looked good. The last cycle I had only two mature as well, but they were such poor quality that on Day 2 the embryologist told me the embryos barely rated a 3 on a 3 scale and to expect neither one to transfer. I was so nervous yesterday waiting for the embryologist to tell us how they looked before our transfer my pulse came in at 138. They gave me Valium :)
So the images of growing follicles in my head have been replaced by images of growing embryos. It's going to be a loooong 2ww, but for now I am finding a lot of excitement in the What If. What if this is IT? What if our baby (or babies?!) is in there? What if life as we know it is very soon forever changed? What if the pain and torment of the past two and half years could be culminating into the joy and blessing of the rest of our lives?
*What if.
Sunday, March 18, 2012
Better
Everyday lately I've been feeling like I'm sleep walking. Blame it on the progesterone. I wake up and I'm exhausted. The middle of the day and I'm exhausted. Evening time, I'm exhausted. Every morning I have to fight to keep my eyes open on my way to work. That cold medicine, foggy headed feeling just lingers day in and day out. The other half of the month that I'm not on progesterone I am back to my old self. After this next IVF cycle I am going to have to figure out what to do about this...
Speaking of which, that's just one month away! So our consultation with RE # 3 went well. I am a little embarrassed to admit we've been through 3 of them now. But on the other hand, we've learned a lot from each one, and I know we will from this one too. We met this doctor last year through my support group. Over the past year I heard more and more about him from the women in my support group. They really sang his praises and I can totally see why. He's so different from the previous two doc's. Have you ever met someone that exudes so much positive energy that it just sucks you in and you want to be around them all the time? Just the tone of his voice instantly put me at ease. He's a genuine person and from what I understand, a great doctor. My old boss even knew who he was because a good friend of hers was treated by him. I've never heard a negative word about him.
It was also somewhat validating to have a second doctor agree that I was probably over suppressed the first IVF cycle. His eyes got pretty huge when I told him what my Follistim dosage was (575), and he thinks the birth control, Luperon and 10 days of Ganirelex were probably a bad combination for a poor responder. Luckily, we know I respond well to Menopur and Bravelle, which is what RE #1 had me on all three of my timed IC cycles. So that's what we're going back to. No Luperon! No bcp's! For those that have had the privilege of that unholy union, you know what a relief that's going to be. So it's just going to be Menopur and Bravelle, with Ganirelex once he starts to see growth. And no estrogen this time either, unless my lining is too thin. I'm on board with that protocol. I'm not expecting any dramatic result this time, just hopefully one good egg.
I feel a lot different heading into this IVF cycle. The last time it felt so Do or Die. I didn't know what we were going to do if it didn't work. But now the financial burden has been lifted, the medication protocol is going to be a lot less intense, I've had a couple periods thanks to progesterone. As my husband likes to joke, hopefully the engine has been primed. Mentally, I feel more at peace. The acupuncture is definitely helping with my mood. And I think once I start having twice weekly sessions instead of one I'll feel that much better (I'll go twice a week during the IVF cycle). I'm also in a better place spiritually. I've grown in a lot of ways. Not that it won't still be hard, stressful, scary and emotional. But one thing I have now that I didn't have last year is faith and trust in God, and also myself. I know no matter what happens, we are going to be okay.
And I am going to be better.
Speaking of which, that's just one month away! So our consultation with RE # 3 went well. I am a little embarrassed to admit we've been through 3 of them now. But on the other hand, we've learned a lot from each one, and I know we will from this one too. We met this doctor last year through my support group. Over the past year I heard more and more about him from the women in my support group. They really sang his praises and I can totally see why. He's so different from the previous two doc's. Have you ever met someone that exudes so much positive energy that it just sucks you in and you want to be around them all the time? Just the tone of his voice instantly put me at ease. He's a genuine person and from what I understand, a great doctor. My old boss even knew who he was because a good friend of hers was treated by him. I've never heard a negative word about him.
It was also somewhat validating to have a second doctor agree that I was probably over suppressed the first IVF cycle. His eyes got pretty huge when I told him what my Follistim dosage was (575), and he thinks the birth control, Luperon and 10 days of Ganirelex were probably a bad combination for a poor responder. Luckily, we know I respond well to Menopur and Bravelle, which is what RE #1 had me on all three of my timed IC cycles. So that's what we're going back to. No Luperon! No bcp's! For those that have had the privilege of that unholy union, you know what a relief that's going to be. So it's just going to be Menopur and Bravelle, with Ganirelex once he starts to see growth. And no estrogen this time either, unless my lining is too thin. I'm on board with that protocol. I'm not expecting any dramatic result this time, just hopefully one good egg.
I feel a lot different heading into this IVF cycle. The last time it felt so Do or Die. I didn't know what we were going to do if it didn't work. But now the financial burden has been lifted, the medication protocol is going to be a lot less intense, I've had a couple periods thanks to progesterone. As my husband likes to joke, hopefully the engine has been primed. Mentally, I feel more at peace. The acupuncture is definitely helping with my mood. And I think once I start having twice weekly sessions instead of one I'll feel that much better (I'll go twice a week during the IVF cycle). I'm also in a better place spiritually. I've grown in a lot of ways. Not that it won't still be hard, stressful, scary and emotional. But one thing I have now that I didn't have last year is faith and trust in God, and also myself. I know no matter what happens, we are going to be okay.
And I am going to be better.
Sunday, February 12, 2012
Better Than Chocolate
In honor of Love Day I'm dedicating this entry to my husband, but first a few notes about what's been going on with me over the past 3 months:
So here we are assaulted with chocolates, roses, arrows, hearts, red and pink at every turn, another February 14 upon us. What will I buy him this year? What will I write in his card to convey what I feel for him? How will this Valentine's Day be different than the others?
Valentine's Day is something of an anniversary for my husband and me. He asked me to be his girlfriend on Valentine's Day 9 years ago. That was one special day for us. At that time we had known and loved each other 7 years already. We met when I was 15, he was 14. I lived in Texas, he lived in Michigan. My family spent weeks every summer in Michigan because my grandma lived there and my mom was a teacher and had summers off. One year I made a girlfriend up there, whose aunt happened to live in the same neighborhood my husband hung out in all the time. My girlfriend's mom took us to that neighborhood for a beach day one afternoon. My girlfriend and I were lounging on the beach, minding our own business, when this tall, dark, very muscular, handsome boy comes into the scene with his friend. We flirt from a distance, both of us too shy to approach the other. When it was time for us to leave, we're in the car, we pass this boy and his friend, and my girlfriend's mom says, I know those boys. They come into my store all the time. It was fate. It was meant to me. My girlfriend's mom passes my phone number along to my husband after I was back home in Texas. I come home one day after school and my sister hands me the phone and says, it's for you. It's some guy and he sounds like he's from Michigan. Be still my heart! I think that may have been the first time I ever swooned. And the rest, as they say, is history.
Fast forward 16 years and I sit with my talk, dark, muscular, still so handsome boy, only this time we're not sitting on the beach. Instead of warm sand, we're sitting in stiff pleather chairs. Instead of hearing the rhythmic lull of the waves there's the monotonous buzzing of the neon light fixtures. Instead of gazing out into a blue abyss of water blending into sky, our view consists of dozens of Annie Liebowitz style photos. There are illustrations of ovaries and uteruses in colorful bound books. There is a model in front of us to demonstrate how to self inject. There are calendars and pens branded with pharmaceutical names we are now on a first name basis with. And we are hearing without understanding. Infertile. This is not our happily ever after. Our chairs are 10 inches apart but I feel alone, my hands clasped in my lap. My husband asks the doctor questions, she answers; I sit and feel the numbness that comes with the diagnosis that will forever change our lives. The RE tells us I need the injectible gonadotropins, if we're comfortable with that step. My husband doesn't wait for me to respond. He looks over at me, takes my hand, looks back at the RE and says, we'll do whatever it takes.
That is my Valentine. I've written a lot of blog entries about this IF experience. I don't know if I've conveyed what a remarkable person that supports me in this. I don't know if I ever could. But it was then and there I knew this was just another chapter to our story. It's not a feel-good one. It's a tear-jerker. But it's terribly romantic. The boy that loved the girl enough to stay in touch over 1200 miles, only seeing her once a year, for 7 years. The boy that loved the girl enough to move 1200 miles away from the only home he'd ever known. The boy that loved the girl enough to build a life and home for her. The boy that loved the girl enough to go to the ends of the earth with her to build the family too.
This Valentine's Day is different. I not only have a lover and a best friend as my Valentine. I have a hero.
- Valentine's Day marks 90 days at my new company. March 1st is the first day on my new company's insurance plan. Last week my insurance card came in the mail. It's amazing how one little piece of plastic can almost erase 3 month's worth of frustration, stress and exhaustion ( I drive 100 miles/day for work; need I say more)?
- Speaking of, the new job sucks. Not just because I have such a horrendous commute. Not just because I spend over $400/month in gas and tolls for the privilege of said nightmare. Not just because I am over-qualified for this job and I took a step down and a pay cut for it. Not just because I wake up at the ass crack of dawn 5 days a week and get home long after the sun has gone down (I don't want to know what my Vitamin D level is). Not just because I haven't had a full, outside the office lunch break since I started. Not just because I'm micromanaged. But put all of these together and what do you get? One pretty shitty job. But ask me what I wouldn't do for $30k in insurance money.
- Our consultation with the potential new RE is March 5! I am excited. This is the first time ever I have been excited about an RE appointment. I am ready for IVF 2nd edition.
- I am starting acupuncture. Several women in my support group recommended a "modern" acupuncturist in the area that specializes in infertility and reproductive issues. I met with her yesterday and I got a really good vibe from her. She asked all the right questions and definitely seemed to understand and have a direction for what type of treatment I need. I'll do acupuncture over the next couple months while gearing up for our next cycle (to hopefully happen in May). I'll write more about the experience as I get into it. My first treatment will be the 23rd. Should be interesting...
- My HRT is working out. The estrogen has eliminated all my premenopausal symptoms. I cry a little easier now though. Ok, a lot easier. Those that know me well laugh at my newly developed sensitivity, as it's not exactly characteristic of me. But it just means I never get dry eye. I started off on progesterone tablets the first 3 months but moved on to supp's when the pills didn't quite get the job done. Supp's for two weeks every month, and progesterone at that (can you say tiredcrankyirritablesugarcravingbloatedbitchy), isn't exactly ideal, but I'll do what I gotta do to get some Flow action in my life. And I'm not talking Rida.
So here we are assaulted with chocolates, roses, arrows, hearts, red and pink at every turn, another February 14 upon us. What will I buy him this year? What will I write in his card to convey what I feel for him? How will this Valentine's Day be different than the others?
Valentine's Day is something of an anniversary for my husband and me. He asked me to be his girlfriend on Valentine's Day 9 years ago. That was one special day for us. At that time we had known and loved each other 7 years already. We met when I was 15, he was 14. I lived in Texas, he lived in Michigan. My family spent weeks every summer in Michigan because my grandma lived there and my mom was a teacher and had summers off. One year I made a girlfriend up there, whose aunt happened to live in the same neighborhood my husband hung out in all the time. My girlfriend's mom took us to that neighborhood for a beach day one afternoon. My girlfriend and I were lounging on the beach, minding our own business, when this tall, dark, very muscular, handsome boy comes into the scene with his friend. We flirt from a distance, both of us too shy to approach the other. When it was time for us to leave, we're in the car, we pass this boy and his friend, and my girlfriend's mom says, I know those boys. They come into my store all the time. It was fate. It was meant to me. My girlfriend's mom passes my phone number along to my husband after I was back home in Texas. I come home one day after school and my sister hands me the phone and says, it's for you. It's some guy and he sounds like he's from Michigan. Be still my heart! I think that may have been the first time I ever swooned. And the rest, as they say, is history.
Fast forward 16 years and I sit with my talk, dark, muscular, still so handsome boy, only this time we're not sitting on the beach. Instead of warm sand, we're sitting in stiff pleather chairs. Instead of hearing the rhythmic lull of the waves there's the monotonous buzzing of the neon light fixtures. Instead of gazing out into a blue abyss of water blending into sky, our view consists of dozens of Annie Liebowitz style photos. There are illustrations of ovaries and uteruses in colorful bound books. There is a model in front of us to demonstrate how to self inject. There are calendars and pens branded with pharmaceutical names we are now on a first name basis with. And we are hearing without understanding. Infertile. This is not our happily ever after. Our chairs are 10 inches apart but I feel alone, my hands clasped in my lap. My husband asks the doctor questions, she answers; I sit and feel the numbness that comes with the diagnosis that will forever change our lives. The RE tells us I need the injectible gonadotropins, if we're comfortable with that step. My husband doesn't wait for me to respond. He looks over at me, takes my hand, looks back at the RE and says, we'll do whatever it takes.
That is my Valentine. I've written a lot of blog entries about this IF experience. I don't know if I've conveyed what a remarkable person that supports me in this. I don't know if I ever could. But it was then and there I knew this was just another chapter to our story. It's not a feel-good one. It's a tear-jerker. But it's terribly romantic. The boy that loved the girl enough to stay in touch over 1200 miles, only seeing her once a year, for 7 years. The boy that loved the girl enough to move 1200 miles away from the only home he'd ever known. The boy that loved the girl enough to build a life and home for her. The boy that loved the girl enough to go to the ends of the earth with her to build the family too.
This Valentine's Day is different. I not only have a lover and a best friend as my Valentine. I have a hero.
Sunday, November 6, 2011
Will Work for Baby
God is good! I've prayed and prayed and prayed, and finally, an answered prayer.
I have a job with infertility coverage! I got a hold of Conceive magazine's list of companies that cover infertility, so for months I just went down the list and applied to any and every company/job I had a shot with, and one day last month I got the call that turned out to be an answered prayer. The decision to take the job wasn't easy though. I had a good job to begin with. I was overqualified for it, but it was easy, stress free, good money, close to home and I've been with the company going on 7 years. You get comfortable at a place after that long. So this new job offer came along, and I would've been ready to jump all over it, except this office is 50 miles away from my house. That's right, fifty. And to add insult to injury, the offer was a whole $1/hour less than what I make now. Ouch. But, a sign of the times.
So, I was fully prepared to reject the offer and keep looking for something closer to home, but I figured if I just went into the office 2 days a week and worked the other 3 days from home, that would be doable. So that's what we agreed on! I know the first month or two will be really hard with that commute everyday while I get trained and prepared to get to that point where I can work from home, but I know in the long run it'll pay off. This company pays $15k for IVF and an additional $15k for the drugs. My husband talked to our RE's office about the "preexisting condition" issue, but she said it shouldn't apply to us since we've never had the coverage (more prayers are being said about that one!) So if this works out, my new company will cover almost 2 more cycles of IVF! Plus, my husband just started working for a company that offers coverage for $15k in Rx's. So certainly a good back up to have.
I prayed countless nights to God to show me a sign, to give me a direction in my quest to parenthood. I am thankful He made it so obvious. It's amazing what God will do in your life once you let Him. It's also amazing how God works to reach us. Oprah says that the Universe (God) talks to us first in whispers. If we don't listen to the whispers, then He throws a pebble at us to try and get our attention. And if that still doesn't work, then we get hit with a brick, aka something really drastic has to happen to try and get us to pay attention and to learn. I really struggled with the decision to take this job, for all the reasons I mentioned, but also b/c of fear. I've taken so many gambles with my infertility that I was just really afraid to take another one by leaving the known for the unknown. But if I'm listening to the whispers, and I think I am, while God isn't promising the road will be easy, He is promising He's going to get us to our destination safe and sound, no matter what pot holes and road blocks surprise us.
My whispers are telling me to be unafraid. My whispers are asking me to trust Him. And I don't want no bricks thrown at my head.
I have a job with infertility coverage! I got a hold of Conceive magazine's list of companies that cover infertility, so for months I just went down the list and applied to any and every company/job I had a shot with, and one day last month I got the call that turned out to be an answered prayer. The decision to take the job wasn't easy though. I had a good job to begin with. I was overqualified for it, but it was easy, stress free, good money, close to home and I've been with the company going on 7 years. You get comfortable at a place after that long. So this new job offer came along, and I would've been ready to jump all over it, except this office is 50 miles away from my house. That's right, fifty. And to add insult to injury, the offer was a whole $1/hour less than what I make now. Ouch. But, a sign of the times.
So, I was fully prepared to reject the offer and keep looking for something closer to home, but I figured if I just went into the office 2 days a week and worked the other 3 days from home, that would be doable. So that's what we agreed on! I know the first month or two will be really hard with that commute everyday while I get trained and prepared to get to that point where I can work from home, but I know in the long run it'll pay off. This company pays $15k for IVF and an additional $15k for the drugs. My husband talked to our RE's office about the "preexisting condition" issue, but she said it shouldn't apply to us since we've never had the coverage (more prayers are being said about that one!) So if this works out, my new company will cover almost 2 more cycles of IVF! Plus, my husband just started working for a company that offers coverage for $15k in Rx's. So certainly a good back up to have.
I prayed countless nights to God to show me a sign, to give me a direction in my quest to parenthood. I am thankful He made it so obvious. It's amazing what God will do in your life once you let Him. It's also amazing how God works to reach us. Oprah says that the Universe (God) talks to us first in whispers. If we don't listen to the whispers, then He throws a pebble at us to try and get our attention. And if that still doesn't work, then we get hit with a brick, aka something really drastic has to happen to try and get us to pay attention and to learn. I really struggled with the decision to take this job, for all the reasons I mentioned, but also b/c of fear. I've taken so many gambles with my infertility that I was just really afraid to take another one by leaving the known for the unknown. But if I'm listening to the whispers, and I think I am, while God isn't promising the road will be easy, He is promising He's going to get us to our destination safe and sound, no matter what pot holes and road blocks surprise us.
My whispers are telling me to be unafraid. My whispers are asking me to trust Him. And I don't want no bricks thrown at my head.
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