So this is rock bottom. This must be what Hell feels like.
I had a pregnancy. A live, living, real embryo or blastocyst. Not sure which. But it was real. I felt it. And I loved it. And now, nothing. It's still there. It's still in me, hanging on by a thread, but it will be gone eventually.
My beta was 23 on Friday, 10 dpo. Good Friday was so good indeed. Like a fool I thanked God. Like a fool I told my family I was pregnant and gave them hope. Like a fool I let myself believe. I let myself hope. I have never hated myself more for that.
Today my beta was 25. I don't know what went wrong. My instinct is that it's ectopic b/c I have sharp pains and I fainted Sat am with cold sweats. But I don't know for sure what went wrong. It could be anything: bad egg, the fact my uterine lining was so thin this cycle, chromosomal defect, autoimmune issue as yet undiscovered. People say, it's good. It's promising that I got pregnant at all. It's a step forward. I don't feel that optimism. I don't feel that hope. Now I just have another issue to contend with. Not only am I infertile but now I may not be able to sustain a pregnancy. Ever. Is it over for me? Is it over before it even began?
Now all I can do is wait and see if my hCG drops off on its own and my body terminates the pregnancy naturally. If it doesn't it'll mean...I can't even type it out. I am so close to vomiting. Oh God, please help me. Please take away this pain. Please take away this baby. First I beg for a baby then I beg for it to be taken away. How ironic. How idiotic. How cruel is this. How will I get out of bed tomorrow? How will I go to work and pretend there isn't a dying baby inside of me? How will I wait out each day until its gone while being able to function? How will I heal? How will I live with these scars? How will I have the courage to try this again?
How? When? Why? I have so many questions that may never be answered; so many questions that can never be answered. So this is rock bottom. That's one question that no longer needs answering.