Tuesday, April 26, 2011

On the Way Down

So this is rock bottom. This must be what Hell feels like.

I had a pregnancy. A live, living, real embryo or blastocyst. Not sure which. But it was real. I felt it. And I loved it. And now, nothing. It's still there. It's still in me, hanging on by a thread, but it will be gone eventually.

My beta was 23 on Friday, 10 dpo. Good Friday was so good indeed. Like a fool I thanked  God. Like a fool I told my family I was pregnant and gave them hope. Like a fool I let myself believe. I let myself hope. I have never hated myself more for that.

Today my beta was 25. I don't know what went wrong. My instinct is that it's ectopic b/c I have sharp pains and I fainted Sat am with cold sweats. But I don't know for sure what went wrong. It could be anything: bad egg, the fact my uterine lining was so thin this cycle, chromosomal defect, autoimmune issue as yet undiscovered. People say, it's good. It's promising that I got pregnant at all. It's a step forward. I don't feel that optimism. I don't feel that hope. Now I just have another issue to contend with. Not only am I infertile but now I may not be able to sustain a pregnancy. Ever. Is it over for me? Is it over before it even began?

Now all I can do is wait and see if my hCG drops off on its own and my body terminates the pregnancy naturally. If it doesn't it'll mean...I can't even type it out. I am so close to vomiting. Oh God, please help me. Please take away this pain. Please take away this baby. First I beg for a baby then I beg for it to be taken away. How ironic. How idiotic. How cruel is this. How will I get out of bed tomorrow? How will I go to work and pretend there isn't a dying baby inside of me? How will I wait out each day until its gone while being able to function? How will I heal? How will I live with these scars? How will I have the courage to try this again?

How? When? Why? I have so many questions that may never be answered; so many questions that can never be answered. So this is rock bottom. That's one question that no longer needs answering.


  1. I am very sorry for what you are going through. I wish anything I said would make it better. I did find solace here:


    It helped to know I wasn't alone with all of my own haunting and painful questions.

    Thinking of you...

  2. Oh no.. Im so sorry. I can say that I know what you are going through. On my 17th cycle of ttc I got my natural BFP. I lost this bub at just over 7wks. I took a week off work, a week to lay in bed and grieve. The support of women on forums got me through. My baby left me naturally, but did take 2 cycles to be cleared out of me. I am now over 2yrs ttc and only just starting assisted conception next week.

    I wanted to tell you that you are not alone. I know what rock bottom is like. You will come out of it. You will carry on. The tears will dry up. You will never forget, but you will heal.

    Please ignore those that say 'at least you can fall pregnant'.. they obviously have not suffered a miscarriage. Has your progesterone levels been tested when BETA level obtained? When, or rather if, I fall preg again, I have to have my prog levels tested asap, and if low, they will pump me full of progesterone to support my preg.

    Huge big hugs. Im so so sorry. Cry in the shower, I found that the best place. Dont hold it in, get it out there. And keep blogging for the release and for the support too. I never had my blog when I miscarried, I wish I did..xo

  3. My heart is just breaking for you. I've been where you are, and I know there's nothing I can say. Only time will make the pain more bearable. I pray that your body will take over, and terminate the pregnancy naturally (and soon). I'm so so sorry for your loss...

  4. I'm so sorry, sweetie. I don't know what to say. Just know that I'm thinking of you.

  5. I am so sorry. I know there is nothing anyone can say to make you feel better - and I also hated the "well, at least you know you can get pregnant" comments. I hope that you find peace - I know that is a ways off, I still struggle almost 2 years later. Thinking of you!

  6. Take all the time you need to grieve. You will find your courage again, maybe even the optimism your RE is talking about. IF presents us with so many unanswered questions--why we're in this situation, why a cycle didn't work, why a pregnancy didn't stick--it is scary and frustrating and heartbreaking. I'm so sorry for your loss. Sending a comforting hug and thinking of you.

  7. So, so sorry. It's an awful feeling when you get that first good beta only to watch it drop. Really hoping that it's not an ectopic. I get the begging part. I've done the same exact thing. You'll fight your way through it. Sending you hugs.

  8. I am so sorry. I have not experienced this so I don't know how you feel. But because of the loss I have experienced I know there is nothing that can be done or said to take away your pain. Just know that you are loved and that I am praying for you.

  9. Hello, I have found your blog through Thirtiesgirl. I am very sorry for what you are going through. I have been there, I have actually had 5 miscarriages..... still no babies. It is hard, very hard. I have hit rock bottom, went into a deep depression, locked myself inside my house, etc... but I made it OUT. I have healed and moved on. I really wish the same for you. Don't be afraid to let it out and say what you feel. I understand how hard it must be for you at the moment. All the questions and thoughts that you have, I've had the same. Again, I am very sorry and hope that you can find the peace and strength needed to overcome this. Sending you love...

  10. I'm so sorry. Don't feel like a fool for letting yourself get excited; IF takes so much from us, including joy/excitement, you should be able to feel those things. It's so unfair. I feel the same way you do about the people who say "at least you know you can get pg" - that's not at all comforting.

    You are in my thoughts. I'm so sorry for your loss; take whatever time you need to grieve.

  11. I'm so so very sorry sweetie...you are in my thoughts and prayers. I pray God gives you everything you need to get through this time, and please let me know if there is anything I can do for you. I'm here for you...when you feel up to it...I would love to take you out to lunch or coffee. ((big, big hugs))

  12. I am so very, very sorry for your loss. Unfortunately there is nothing that can be said or done to make it any better, but you are a strong woman, and you will eventually find yourself even stronger. Thinking of you and sending hugs.