I'm triggering tonight but this cycle has been really different from the first two, both physically and mentally.
Physically, I have one fully mature follie. Go me. Ironically enough it's on my right ovary, the "cresent" ovary, (it was partially removed along w/ a cyst back in '98). I guess my right ovary feels like it has something to prove. I have 7 medium sized follies on my left, whole ovary. The biggest one is 15mm but the rest are all 13mm and under. Also sub par is my uterine lining. It measured 6.1mm this am. From what I understand 9mm is ideal and it's not been an issue the last two cycles. So doc has me starting on an estrogen patch Tues along with the progesterone. Should make for an interesting combination. Has anyone had to do both these post ovulation? I've been taking the progesterone post ovulation but never the estrogen. My E2 was 600 yesterday though which is about where it's been by this time from the other two cycles. So with only one mature follicle and a thinner than ideal uterine lining, I guess the odds aren't in our favor.
Mentally, the first two cycles were filled with so much anxiety by the time I ovulated, and all during the 2ww. And then depression as the beta crept closer with the realization that I wasn't PG, only to be confirmed by that formal, disconnected voice of my nurse on the other end: "I'm sorry..." Which brings me to a side note: I really hate the phrase 'I'm sorry' right now. I know that saying 'I'm sorry' is meant to convey empathy, but I hate it when people tell me they're sorry because it makes me feel like I'm sorry. They're so sorry for me. I hate the idea of people thinking how sorry of a situation I have. I guess I just hate that word. Sorry = pity. It's just a negative association at this point. I would much rather hear things like, I'm praying for you, or keep your head up. Anyway, I'm sure I come off sounding like total B with my I'm Sorry rant but that's just how I feel :\
Anyway, what I was getting to was this cycle hasn't been nearly as anxiety inducing or emotionally unstable for me. I cried and threw temper tantrums more than I thought a 30 year old woman capable of during the 1st two cycles, but not this time! I haven't cried once since I got my BFN last month. I haven't ranted (out loud) once since the last cycle. And it's not because I'm holding it in. It's because I just don't need to. I feel "normal" this cycle. I feel more like my old self, before IF became a part of my daily vocabulary. Before IF became my obession. Maybe it's because my body reacted differently to the hormones this time. Maybe it's because I've been really working on not drowning in the negative inner dialog I've fed myself for the past several months. Maybe it's because I'm starting to focus on other things like summer vacations and a career change. Those are things I can really get excited about that don't have to do with making babies! In fact, they're kinda less than ideal for baby making ;)
Whatever it is, it's made today much more enjoyable. I don't know how I'll feel tomorrow or the next day or the next, but today I'm chosing to focus on the things outside the private turmoil of IF. I have to remind myself consistently, but there are a lot of things I can do and think about that will help bring me peace and even happiness. Like for instance, my husband and I went on an 8 mile walk around the lake today and it was wonderful. We went after my doctor appointment, right after I'd found out about my thin uterine lining and small follicles. If we'd come home and sat all afternoon, if I'd really dwelled on this less than ideal situation of which I have no control over, I might be writing a very different blog right now. But instead we went out, drank in some sunshine, breathed in some fresh lake air, and I felt just organically happy. Just to walk beside my husband and talk to my husband for 2 hours uninterrupted about everything and nothing. So this cycle may not work again. I'll be heartbroken, no doubt. But I'll also be ok. And if I let myself, I'll also be happy again at some point. Because there will always be another sunny, beautiful day with fresh air and a clean lake and good strong legs to get me around it. And a husband at my side who has seen me at my absolute worst and loves me no less for it. For these things, life can be beautiful, if I only promise to look for the beauty.