Saturday, April 9, 2011

Finding Beautiful

I'm triggering tonight but this cycle has been really different from the first two, both physically and mentally.

Physically, I have one fully mature follie. Go me. Ironically enough it's on my right ovary, the "cresent" ovary, (it was partially removed along w/ a cyst back in '98). I guess my right ovary feels like it has something to prove. I have 7 medium sized follies on my left, whole ovary. The biggest one is 15mm but the rest are all 13mm and under. Also sub par is my uterine lining. It measured 6.1mm this am. From what I understand 9mm is  ideal and it's not been an issue the last two cycles. So doc has me starting on an estrogen patch Tues along with the progesterone. Should make for an interesting combination. Has anyone had to do both these post ovulation? I've been taking the progesterone post ovulation but never the estrogen. My E2 was 600 yesterday though which is about where it's been by this time from the other two cycles. So with only one mature follicle and a thinner than ideal uterine lining, I guess the odds aren't in our favor.

Mentally, the first two cycles were filled with so much anxiety by the time I ovulated, and all during the 2ww. And then depression as the beta crept closer with the realization that I wasn't PG, only to be confirmed by that formal, disconnected voice of my nurse on the other end: "I'm sorry..." Which brings me to a side note: I really hate the phrase 'I'm sorry' right now. I know that saying 'I'm sorry' is meant to convey empathy, but I hate it when people tell me they're sorry because it makes me feel like I'm sorry. They're so sorry for me. I hate the idea of people thinking how sorry of a situation I have. I guess I just hate that word. Sorry = pity. It's just a negative association at this point. I would much rather hear things like, I'm praying for you, or keep your head up. Anyway, I'm sure I come off sounding like total B with my I'm Sorry rant but that's just how I feel :\

Anyway, what I was getting to was this cycle hasn't been nearly as anxiety inducing or emotionally unstable for me. I cried and threw temper tantrums more than I thought a 30 year old woman capable of during the 1st two cycles, but not this time! I haven't cried once since I got my BFN last month. I haven't ranted (out loud) once since the last cycle. And it's not because I'm holding it in. It's because I just don't need to. I feel "normal" this cycle. I feel more like my old self, before IF became a part of my daily vocabulary. Before IF became my obession. Maybe it's because my body reacted differently to the hormones this time. Maybe it's because I've been really working on not drowning in the negative inner dialog I've fed myself for the past several months. Maybe it's because I'm starting to focus on other things like summer vacations and a career change. Those are things I can really get excited about that don't have to do with making babies! In fact,  they're kinda less than ideal for baby making ;) 

Whatever it is, it's made today much more enjoyable. I don't know how I'll feel tomorrow or the next day or the next, but today I'm chosing to focus on the things outside the private turmoil of IF. I have to remind myself consistently, but there are a lot of things I can do and think about that will help bring me peace and even happiness. Like for instance, my husband and I went on an 8 mile walk around the lake today and it was wonderful. We went after my doctor appointment, right after I'd found out about my thin uterine lining and small follicles. If we'd come home and sat all afternoon, if I'd really dwelled on this less than ideal situation of which I have no control over, I might be writing a very different blog right now. But instead we went out, drank in some sunshine, breathed in some fresh lake air, and I felt just organically happy. Just to walk beside my husband and talk to my husband for 2 hours uninterrupted about everything and nothing. So this cycle may not work again. I'll be heartbroken, no doubt. But I'll also be ok. And if I let myself, I'll also be happy again at some point. Because there will always be another sunny, beautiful day with fresh air and a clean lake and good strong legs to get me around it. And a husband at my side who has seen me at my absolute worst and loves me no less for it. For these things, life can be beautiful, if I only promise to look for the beauty.


  1. I took estrace and progesterone post O this past cycle for the first time (estrace was a suppository though) for the same reason as you, thin lining. Hopefully the patch will do the trick for you!

    It's nice to read that you're feeling more 'normal' this cycle. I think that's so important, and I'm finally starting to feel the same way too.

    Go right ovary!

  2. How did everything go? I had to take estrogen patches and they made the skin around the patch super itchy. I'd be happy if I never see another one of those again! Hopefully you'll have the experience everyone else has and it'll be unnoticeable. I hear you on the ups and downs. I just got to a point (after the kicking and screaming) where I emotionally removed myself. A bfn always hurts--but life goes on. You will be happy again.

  3. Wishing you all the best this cycle! I'm really glad you are feeling more like yourself. That is so important! It's so easy to lose yourself in all this crazy madness. I'm praying and crossing all my fingers that your beta comes back a BFP! When is your beta?

  4. Just wanted to say hi and that I'm thinking about you! Hope you are still feeling positive and happy! And always praying for a BFP!!

  5. Looks like I found your blog at an exciting time. I got ahead of myself and tend to start ICLW early. I wish you all the best this round. Look forward to following you on this cycle and beyond.

  6. Well, I hope this cycle worked! Glad you got to get out in the sunshine.

  7. Hi. Stopping by from ICLW. I have taken 2mg Estrace tablets (2am and 3pm) during the second half of my cycle several times. One time I even had an injection of estradiol valerate to plump up my lining and it worked. My friend has used the estrogen patch several times and it worked great for her. Good luck to you and I hope this cycle brings you closer to your goal.

  8. What a positive and hopeful post! Stopping by from my first ICLW to send you many good vibes for this cycle!

  9. I am visiting from ICLW and have to say that I love this post. It's days like you had on this day that keep us going during our journey. I just finished a rather toddler-like temper-tantrum yesterday as I hit the midpoint of my rest cycle, due to two very large - almost 50mm - cysts in each ovary from my first medicated IUI. I have to say, with utmost sincerity, that I am NOT sorry for you. I am praying and hoping that the time that has lapsed form this post you made until know has been good for your. And if it hasn't I pray that you find the strength and endurance to face your next cycle with hope and determination!

  10. Hi, here from ICLW! It's great that you have a very positive attitude. I know it's hard to hold your head up high when IF is knocking you down... it happens to me way too often. Good for you for trying to find the beauty.

    I look forward to following you on your journey.

    Good luck!
    ICLW #65

  11. Hi from ICLW #156
    It took 6 ivfs and many yrs for me. if i only knew then that it'd eventually work, i'd have had more fun while suffering...if that makes sense. glad to see you trying to enjoy life. i can't get those years back. goodluck