Everyday lately I've been feeling like I'm sleep walking. Blame it on the progesterone. I wake up and I'm exhausted. The middle of the day and I'm exhausted. Evening time, I'm exhausted. Every morning I have to fight to keep my eyes open on my way to work. That cold medicine, foggy headed feeling just lingers day in and day out. The other half of the month that I'm not on progesterone I am back to my old self. After this next IVF cycle I am going to have to figure out what to do about this...
Speaking of which, that's just one month away! So our consultation with RE # 3 went well. I am a little embarrassed to admit we've been through 3 of them now. But on the other hand, we've learned a lot from each one, and I know we will from this one too. We met this doctor last year through my support group. Over the past year I heard more and more about him from the women in my support group. They really sang his praises and I can totally see why. He's so different from the previous two doc's. Have you ever met someone that exudes so much positive energy that it just sucks you in and you want to be around them all the time? Just the tone of his voice instantly put me at ease. He's a genuine person and from what I understand, a great doctor. My old boss even knew who he was because a good friend of hers was treated by him. I've never heard a negative word about him.
It was also somewhat validating to have a second doctor agree that I was probably over suppressed the first IVF cycle. His eyes got pretty huge when I told him what my Follistim dosage was (575), and he thinks the birth control, Luperon and 10 days of Ganirelex were probably a bad combination for a poor responder. Luckily, we know I respond well to Menopur and Bravelle, which is what RE #1 had me on all three of my timed IC cycles. So that's what we're going back to. No Luperon! No bcp's! For those that have had the privilege of that unholy union, you know what a relief that's going to be. So it's just going to be Menopur and Bravelle, with Ganirelex once he starts to see growth. And no estrogen this time either, unless my lining is too thin. I'm on board with that protocol. I'm not expecting any dramatic result this time, just hopefully one good egg.
I feel a lot different heading into this IVF cycle. The last time it felt so Do or Die. I didn't know what we were going to do if it didn't work. But now the financial burden has been lifted, the medication protocol is going to be a lot less intense, I've had a couple periods thanks to progesterone. As my husband likes to joke, hopefully the engine has been primed. Mentally, I feel more at peace. The acupuncture is definitely helping with my mood. And I think once I start having twice weekly sessions instead of one I'll feel that much better (I'll go twice a week during the IVF cycle). I'm also in a better place spiritually. I've grown in a lot of ways. Not that it won't still be hard, stressful, scary and emotional. But one thing I have now that I didn't have last year is faith and trust in God, and also myself. I know no matter what happens, we are going to be okay.
And I am going to be better.
Sunday, March 18, 2012
Sunday, February 12, 2012
Better Than Chocolate
In honor of Love Day I'm dedicating this entry to my husband, but first a few notes about what's been going on with me over the past 3 months:
So here we are assaulted with chocolates, roses, arrows, hearts, red and pink at every turn, another February 14 upon us. What will I buy him this year? What will I write in his card to convey what I feel for him? How will this Valentine's Day be different than the others?
Valentine's Day is something of an anniversary for my husband and me. He asked me to be his girlfriend on Valentine's Day 9 years ago. That was one special day for us. At that time we had known and loved each other 7 years already. We met when I was 15, he was 14. I lived in Texas, he lived in Michigan. My family spent weeks every summer in Michigan because my grandma lived there and my mom was a teacher and had summers off. One year I made a girlfriend up there, whose aunt happened to live in the same neighborhood my husband hung out in all the time. My girlfriend's mom took us to that neighborhood for a beach day one afternoon. My girlfriend and I were lounging on the beach, minding our own business, when this tall, dark, very muscular, handsome boy comes into the scene with his friend. We flirt from a distance, both of us too shy to approach the other. When it was time for us to leave, we're in the car, we pass this boy and his friend, and my girlfriend's mom says, I know those boys. They come into my store all the time. It was fate. It was meant to me. My girlfriend's mom passes my phone number along to my husband after I was back home in Texas. I come home one day after school and my sister hands me the phone and says, it's for you. It's some guy and he sounds like he's from Michigan. Be still my heart! I think that may have been the first time I ever swooned. And the rest, as they say, is history.
Fast forward 16 years and I sit with my talk, dark, muscular, still so handsome boy, only this time we're not sitting on the beach. Instead of warm sand, we're sitting in stiff pleather chairs. Instead of hearing the rhythmic lull of the waves there's the monotonous buzzing of the neon light fixtures. Instead of gazing out into a blue abyss of water blending into sky, our view consists of dozens of Annie Liebowitz style photos. There are illustrations of ovaries and uteruses in colorful bound books. There is a model in front of us to demonstrate how to self inject. There are calendars and pens branded with pharmaceutical names we are now on a first name basis with. And we are hearing without understanding. Infertile. This is not our happily ever after. Our chairs are 10 inches apart but I feel alone, my hands clasped in my lap. My husband asks the doctor questions, she answers; I sit and feel the numbness that comes with the diagnosis that will forever change our lives. The RE tells us I need the injectible gonadotropins, if we're comfortable with that step. My husband doesn't wait for me to respond. He looks over at me, takes my hand, looks back at the RE and says, we'll do whatever it takes.
That is my Valentine. I've written a lot of blog entries about this IF experience. I don't know if I've conveyed what a remarkable person that supports me in this. I don't know if I ever could. But it was then and there I knew this was just another chapter to our story. It's not a feel-good one. It's a tear-jerker. But it's terribly romantic. The boy that loved the girl enough to stay in touch over 1200 miles, only seeing her once a year, for 7 years. The boy that loved the girl enough to move 1200 miles away from the only home he'd ever known. The boy that loved the girl enough to build a life and home for her. The boy that loved the girl enough to go to the ends of the earth with her to build the family too.
This Valentine's Day is different. I not only have a lover and a best friend as my Valentine. I have a hero.
- Valentine's Day marks 90 days at my new company. March 1st is the first day on my new company's insurance plan. Last week my insurance card came in the mail. It's amazing how one little piece of plastic can almost erase 3 month's worth of frustration, stress and exhaustion ( I drive 100 miles/day for work; need I say more)?
- Speaking of, the new job sucks. Not just because I have such a horrendous commute. Not just because I spend over $400/month in gas and tolls for the privilege of said nightmare. Not just because I am over-qualified for this job and I took a step down and a pay cut for it. Not just because I wake up at the ass crack of dawn 5 days a week and get home long after the sun has gone down (I don't want to know what my Vitamin D level is). Not just because I haven't had a full, outside the office lunch break since I started. Not just because I'm micromanaged. But put all of these together and what do you get? One pretty shitty job. But ask me what I wouldn't do for $30k in insurance money.
- Our consultation with the potential new RE is March 5! I am excited. This is the first time ever I have been excited about an RE appointment. I am ready for IVF 2nd edition.
- I am starting acupuncture. Several women in my support group recommended a "modern" acupuncturist in the area that specializes in infertility and reproductive issues. I met with her yesterday and I got a really good vibe from her. She asked all the right questions and definitely seemed to understand and have a direction for what type of treatment I need. I'll do acupuncture over the next couple months while gearing up for our next cycle (to hopefully happen in May). I'll write more about the experience as I get into it. My first treatment will be the 23rd. Should be interesting...
- My HRT is working out. The estrogen has eliminated all my premenopausal symptoms. I cry a little easier now though. Ok, a lot easier. Those that know me well laugh at my newly developed sensitivity, as it's not exactly characteristic of me. But it just means I never get dry eye. I started off on progesterone tablets the first 3 months but moved on to supp's when the pills didn't quite get the job done. Supp's for two weeks every month, and progesterone at that (can you say tiredcrankyirritablesugarcravingbloatedbitchy), isn't exactly ideal, but I'll do what I gotta do to get some Flow action in my life. And I'm not talking Rida.
So here we are assaulted with chocolates, roses, arrows, hearts, red and pink at every turn, another February 14 upon us. What will I buy him this year? What will I write in his card to convey what I feel for him? How will this Valentine's Day be different than the others?
Valentine's Day is something of an anniversary for my husband and me. He asked me to be his girlfriend on Valentine's Day 9 years ago. That was one special day for us. At that time we had known and loved each other 7 years already. We met when I was 15, he was 14. I lived in Texas, he lived in Michigan. My family spent weeks every summer in Michigan because my grandma lived there and my mom was a teacher and had summers off. One year I made a girlfriend up there, whose aunt happened to live in the same neighborhood my husband hung out in all the time. My girlfriend's mom took us to that neighborhood for a beach day one afternoon. My girlfriend and I were lounging on the beach, minding our own business, when this tall, dark, very muscular, handsome boy comes into the scene with his friend. We flirt from a distance, both of us too shy to approach the other. When it was time for us to leave, we're in the car, we pass this boy and his friend, and my girlfriend's mom says, I know those boys. They come into my store all the time. It was fate. It was meant to me. My girlfriend's mom passes my phone number along to my husband after I was back home in Texas. I come home one day after school and my sister hands me the phone and says, it's for you. It's some guy and he sounds like he's from Michigan. Be still my heart! I think that may have been the first time I ever swooned. And the rest, as they say, is history.
Fast forward 16 years and I sit with my talk, dark, muscular, still so handsome boy, only this time we're not sitting on the beach. Instead of warm sand, we're sitting in stiff pleather chairs. Instead of hearing the rhythmic lull of the waves there's the monotonous buzzing of the neon light fixtures. Instead of gazing out into a blue abyss of water blending into sky, our view consists of dozens of Annie Liebowitz style photos. There are illustrations of ovaries and uteruses in colorful bound books. There is a model in front of us to demonstrate how to self inject. There are calendars and pens branded with pharmaceutical names we are now on a first name basis with. And we are hearing without understanding. Infertile. This is not our happily ever after. Our chairs are 10 inches apart but I feel alone, my hands clasped in my lap. My husband asks the doctor questions, she answers; I sit and feel the numbness that comes with the diagnosis that will forever change our lives. The RE tells us I need the injectible gonadotropins, if we're comfortable with that step. My husband doesn't wait for me to respond. He looks over at me, takes my hand, looks back at the RE and says, we'll do whatever it takes.
That is my Valentine. I've written a lot of blog entries about this IF experience. I don't know if I've conveyed what a remarkable person that supports me in this. I don't know if I ever could. But it was then and there I knew this was just another chapter to our story. It's not a feel-good one. It's a tear-jerker. But it's terribly romantic. The boy that loved the girl enough to stay in touch over 1200 miles, only seeing her once a year, for 7 years. The boy that loved the girl enough to move 1200 miles away from the only home he'd ever known. The boy that loved the girl enough to build a life and home for her. The boy that loved the girl enough to go to the ends of the earth with her to build the family too.
This Valentine's Day is different. I not only have a lover and a best friend as my Valentine. I have a hero.
Sunday, November 6, 2011
Will Work for Baby
God is good! I've prayed and prayed and prayed, and finally, an answered prayer.
I have a job with infertility coverage! I got a hold of Conceive magazine's list of companies that cover infertility, so for months I just went down the list and applied to any and every company/job I had a shot with, and one day last month I got the call that turned out to be an answered prayer. The decision to take the job wasn't easy though. I had a good job to begin with. I was overqualified for it, but it was easy, stress free, good money, close to home and I've been with the company going on 7 years. You get comfortable at a place after that long. So this new job offer came along, and I would've been ready to jump all over it, except this office is 50 miles away from my house. That's right, fifty. And to add insult to injury, the offer was a whole $1/hour less than what I make now. Ouch. But, a sign of the times.
So, I was fully prepared to reject the offer and keep looking for something closer to home, but I figured if I just went into the office 2 days a week and worked the other 3 days from home, that would be doable. So that's what we agreed on! I know the first month or two will be really hard with that commute everyday while I get trained and prepared to get to that point where I can work from home, but I know in the long run it'll pay off. This company pays $15k for IVF and an additional $15k for the drugs. My husband talked to our RE's office about the "preexisting condition" issue, but she said it shouldn't apply to us since we've never had the coverage (more prayers are being said about that one!) So if this works out, my new company will cover almost 2 more cycles of IVF! Plus, my husband just started working for a company that offers coverage for $15k in Rx's. So certainly a good back up to have.
I prayed countless nights to God to show me a sign, to give me a direction in my quest to parenthood. I am thankful He made it so obvious. It's amazing what God will do in your life once you let Him. It's also amazing how God works to reach us. Oprah says that the Universe (God) talks to us first in whispers. If we don't listen to the whispers, then He throws a pebble at us to try and get our attention. And if that still doesn't work, then we get hit with a brick, aka something really drastic has to happen to try and get us to pay attention and to learn. I really struggled with the decision to take this job, for all the reasons I mentioned, but also b/c of fear. I've taken so many gambles with my infertility that I was just really afraid to take another one by leaving the known for the unknown. But if I'm listening to the whispers, and I think I am, while God isn't promising the road will be easy, He is promising He's going to get us to our destination safe and sound, no matter what pot holes and road blocks surprise us.
My whispers are telling me to be unafraid. My whispers are asking me to trust Him. And I don't want no bricks thrown at my head.
I have a job with infertility coverage! I got a hold of Conceive magazine's list of companies that cover infertility, so for months I just went down the list and applied to any and every company/job I had a shot with, and one day last month I got the call that turned out to be an answered prayer. The decision to take the job wasn't easy though. I had a good job to begin with. I was overqualified for it, but it was easy, stress free, good money, close to home and I've been with the company going on 7 years. You get comfortable at a place after that long. So this new job offer came along, and I would've been ready to jump all over it, except this office is 50 miles away from my house. That's right, fifty. And to add insult to injury, the offer was a whole $1/hour less than what I make now. Ouch. But, a sign of the times.
So, I was fully prepared to reject the offer and keep looking for something closer to home, but I figured if I just went into the office 2 days a week and worked the other 3 days from home, that would be doable. So that's what we agreed on! I know the first month or two will be really hard with that commute everyday while I get trained and prepared to get to that point where I can work from home, but I know in the long run it'll pay off. This company pays $15k for IVF and an additional $15k for the drugs. My husband talked to our RE's office about the "preexisting condition" issue, but she said it shouldn't apply to us since we've never had the coverage (more prayers are being said about that one!) So if this works out, my new company will cover almost 2 more cycles of IVF! Plus, my husband just started working for a company that offers coverage for $15k in Rx's. So certainly a good back up to have.
I prayed countless nights to God to show me a sign, to give me a direction in my quest to parenthood. I am thankful He made it so obvious. It's amazing what God will do in your life once you let Him. It's also amazing how God works to reach us. Oprah says that the Universe (God) talks to us first in whispers. If we don't listen to the whispers, then He throws a pebble at us to try and get our attention. And if that still doesn't work, then we get hit with a brick, aka something really drastic has to happen to try and get us to pay attention and to learn. I really struggled with the decision to take this job, for all the reasons I mentioned, but also b/c of fear. I've taken so many gambles with my infertility that I was just really afraid to take another one by leaving the known for the unknown. But if I'm listening to the whispers, and I think I am, while God isn't promising the road will be easy, He is promising He's going to get us to our destination safe and sound, no matter what pot holes and road blocks surprise us.
My whispers are telling me to be unafraid. My whispers are asking me to trust Him. And I don't want no bricks thrown at my head.
Wednesday, October 19, 2011
And the Reward Goes To...
My husband is very good friends with a guy he's know five or six years. He was a groomsman in our wedding. It's a valuable friendship to him and one I totally respect. I am friendly with this guy's wife (I will call her B), and they are one of the only two married couple friends we have. Most of my close girlfriends are still single. And since we've struggled with IF, I've noticed that I tend to shy away from other married couples that have young kids or may have kids at some point. I guess not much explanation is needed behind that.
This particular couple is several years older than us and do not have kids. B had some medical issues and her husband was not inclined to want kids, so they decided when they got engaged that they would be childless. Well, we all know what happens when The Clock starts ticking. B approached 35 and decided she wanted kids. She explained all of this in an email to me several months ago. When I received the email from her I had just failed my first or second cycle, I forget which. She didn't know anything about what we were going through, so I couldn't be upset with her, but I was. I was terribly upset. How dare she let me think they were 'safe' for us to be friends with?! How dare she have the audacity to want to get pregnant when I can't?! These are the crazy things that go through one's mind when you feel so inadequate, empty, angry, hurt and confused with life.
My husband, being the good friend that he is, took her husband aside to explain to him a little bit about what we were going through and asked they be sensitive to that in the subject of their own TTC news. Months went by and I didn't think about this other couple's TTC too much, as I was pretty wrapped up in my own events, but I was always reminded every time we were around them. Reminded of the fact that someday soon, she could be pregnant and I wouldn't be. And the knowledge of that brought on a jealousy so intense I could hardly stand to be around B.
The other day I read B's blog, and it in she mentioned one little acronym that I know oh so well - TTC. That's right, B and her husband are officially Trying. Before, she mentioned she was thinking about a baby. Now it is official.
B's husband is one of my husband's best friends. I would feel so terrible if I ever got in the way of that. If I could hardly stand to be around her knowing she was just thinking about having a baby, how will I ever make it when she is pregnant? How will I hold my smile through the pregnancy announcement, all the pregnancy talk, the baby shower. And then when she has the baby? We all know how women are. If she feels mistreated and has hurt feelings b/c of the way I treat her, her husband will hear about it, my husband will hear about it, and then my husband is in the middle, trying to figure out how to deal w/ a crazy jealous wife and a best friend that he feels awkward around, all b/c of me.
After reading B's blog and feeling the jealousy, dread, anger and hurt consume me, I just went home from work and sobbed. I sobbed b/c I've never felt so ashamed for my reaction to her news; I sobbed b/c I will never, ever experience the pure thrill of TTC, and neither will my husband; I sobbed b/c of the sheer sadness and devastation I felt as the Outsider; I sobbed knowing this will not be the last friend I will watch experience the excitement of TTC and the joy of pregnancy and motherhood, while I pray to God night after night to just give us another chance.
I'm reading Joel Osteen's "Your Best Life Now" (did he steal that phrase from Oprah or is it the other way around?), and there's a chapter in his book that talks about kindness. He says we cannot expect blessings in our lives without being kind, without being a blessing ourselves. In other words, if we want to be blessed, we need to be a blessing. I thought about the way I've treated B, which hasn't exactly been as a 'blessing.' There have been many times where I have flat out avoided and ignored her b/c I thought I was sparing myself from pain that way. But it's actually been the opposite. It's caused me more pain to handle her that way.
Ironically, I received an invitation from her to hang out that very same day I read her blog with her TTC news; the very same day I sobbed in my bathroom over it. I asked God that night to help me understand what He was trying to tell me. I knew He was trying to move me to do something, to change something, but I didn't understand what, until I read Osteen's chapter again on being a blessing.
So the next day I accepted B's invitation. I wanted to start trying harder at being a blessing instead of always looking for my own blessings. And I survived it. We didn't talk about her TTC or my TTC, even though I am sure it was in the back of her mind as well as mine, but I realized that I am stronger than I give myself credit for sometimes. If I can hang out with B after feeling that low, I can brave those pregnancy announcements and baby showers. And I felt better about myself b/c I felt like I was truly doing the right thing. It's hard to feel bad about yourself when you know you are being a blessing to someone else. I know how happy she was to have my undevoted attention for a whole hour. I know she needed someone to talk to about her issues with her mother-in-law and her struggles to lose weight. She needed a friend, and last night I was that friend. I put all selfishness aside, and I felt better about myself b/c of it.
I won't be false and say I am forever changed by this one experience. I know there will be times when I will be selfish again. And it will hurt me and someone else. But this showed me that doing the right thing, even when it's not what we want to do, is always rewarding in some way. For so long I've strived for that ultimate reward, but until God decides it's my time, I will have to look for the subtler rewards. That's where my Purpose can be found. But that's a whole other blog...
This particular couple is several years older than us and do not have kids. B had some medical issues and her husband was not inclined to want kids, so they decided when they got engaged that they would be childless. Well, we all know what happens when The Clock starts ticking. B approached 35 and decided she wanted kids. She explained all of this in an email to me several months ago. When I received the email from her I had just failed my first or second cycle, I forget which. She didn't know anything about what we were going through, so I couldn't be upset with her, but I was. I was terribly upset. How dare she let me think they were 'safe' for us to be friends with?! How dare she have the audacity to want to get pregnant when I can't?! These are the crazy things that go through one's mind when you feel so inadequate, empty, angry, hurt and confused with life.
My husband, being the good friend that he is, took her husband aside to explain to him a little bit about what we were going through and asked they be sensitive to that in the subject of their own TTC news. Months went by and I didn't think about this other couple's TTC too much, as I was pretty wrapped up in my own events, but I was always reminded every time we were around them. Reminded of the fact that someday soon, she could be pregnant and I wouldn't be. And the knowledge of that brought on a jealousy so intense I could hardly stand to be around B.
The other day I read B's blog, and it in she mentioned one little acronym that I know oh so well - TTC. That's right, B and her husband are officially Trying. Before, she mentioned she was thinking about a baby. Now it is official.
B's husband is one of my husband's best friends. I would feel so terrible if I ever got in the way of that. If I could hardly stand to be around her knowing she was just thinking about having a baby, how will I ever make it when she is pregnant? How will I hold my smile through the pregnancy announcement, all the pregnancy talk, the baby shower. And then when she has the baby? We all know how women are. If she feels mistreated and has hurt feelings b/c of the way I treat her, her husband will hear about it, my husband will hear about it, and then my husband is in the middle, trying to figure out how to deal w/ a crazy jealous wife and a best friend that he feels awkward around, all b/c of me.
After reading B's blog and feeling the jealousy, dread, anger and hurt consume me, I just went home from work and sobbed. I sobbed b/c I've never felt so ashamed for my reaction to her news; I sobbed b/c I will never, ever experience the pure thrill of TTC, and neither will my husband; I sobbed b/c of the sheer sadness and devastation I felt as the Outsider; I sobbed knowing this will not be the last friend I will watch experience the excitement of TTC and the joy of pregnancy and motherhood, while I pray to God night after night to just give us another chance.
I'm reading Joel Osteen's "Your Best Life Now" (did he steal that phrase from Oprah or is it the other way around?), and there's a chapter in his book that talks about kindness. He says we cannot expect blessings in our lives without being kind, without being a blessing ourselves. In other words, if we want to be blessed, we need to be a blessing. I thought about the way I've treated B, which hasn't exactly been as a 'blessing.' There have been many times where I have flat out avoided and ignored her b/c I thought I was sparing myself from pain that way. But it's actually been the opposite. It's caused me more pain to handle her that way.
Ironically, I received an invitation from her to hang out that very same day I read her blog with her TTC news; the very same day I sobbed in my bathroom over it. I asked God that night to help me understand what He was trying to tell me. I knew He was trying to move me to do something, to change something, but I didn't understand what, until I read Osteen's chapter again on being a blessing.
So the next day I accepted B's invitation. I wanted to start trying harder at being a blessing instead of always looking for my own blessings. And I survived it. We didn't talk about her TTC or my TTC, even though I am sure it was in the back of her mind as well as mine, but I realized that I am stronger than I give myself credit for sometimes. If I can hang out with B after feeling that low, I can brave those pregnancy announcements and baby showers. And I felt better about myself b/c I felt like I was truly doing the right thing. It's hard to feel bad about yourself when you know you are being a blessing to someone else. I know how happy she was to have my undevoted attention for a whole hour. I know she needed someone to talk to about her issues with her mother-in-law and her struggles to lose weight. She needed a friend, and last night I was that friend. I put all selfishness aside, and I felt better about myself b/c of it.
I won't be false and say I am forever changed by this one experience. I know there will be times when I will be selfish again. And it will hurt me and someone else. But this showed me that doing the right thing, even when it's not what we want to do, is always rewarding in some way. For so long I've strived for that ultimate reward, but until God decides it's my time, I will have to look for the subtler rewards. That's where my Purpose can be found. But that's a whole other blog...
Monday, September 26, 2011
September
Thirty has certainly been quite a year: four failed treatment cycles; one chemical pregnancy; an ungodly amount of money spent; enough tears to float a boat in.
So it was a hard year. But it was also a good year.
In spite of all of that pain, there were also so many good times: the birth of my baby niece and god daughter; a trip to visit my sister and nieces, some of my most favorite people in the world; being witness to my god daughter's Christening; all the birthdays celebrated with my family and friends (I have a lot of fun making my signature birthday ice cream cakes!); a trip to Colorado with my husband to visit my in-laws, which included meeting my friends for a girls' week-end at Lake Dillon; my husband's new job and promotion that he so deserved and worked so hard for. The list goes on.
Yesterday I got myself into a funk reflecting on my year because I only thought of the bad times. And I started thinking about the fact that our road to parenthood still isn't over. The idea and the nervousness and fear of future IVFs, baby shower invitations, birth annoucements, etc, totally overwhelmed me. It was enough to make me pull the shades and crawl back into bed to hide from it all. But then my cat woke me up, and really, how can you feel so bad when you're being loved all over by your cat (which she hardly does to me btw). So I sat up, opened my shades, and started reading my Joel Osteen book. I started feeling better but still not great, until my husband brought me lunch in bed. He knew I was upset and he knows I am not the type to talk out my feelings, so he came to me. He said a lot of comforting things but what made the biggest difference were his hugs. He has the ability to make me feel safe with his hugs no matter what's going on around us. And that was all I needed.
So it was a hard year. But it was also a good year.
In spite of all of that pain, there were also so many good times: the birth of my baby niece and god daughter; a trip to visit my sister and nieces, some of my most favorite people in the world; being witness to my god daughter's Christening; all the birthdays celebrated with my family and friends (I have a lot of fun making my signature birthday ice cream cakes!); a trip to Colorado with my husband to visit my in-laws, which included meeting my friends for a girls' week-end at Lake Dillon; my husband's new job and promotion that he so deserved and worked so hard for. The list goes on.
Yesterday I got myself into a funk reflecting on my year because I only thought of the bad times. And I started thinking about the fact that our road to parenthood still isn't over. The idea and the nervousness and fear of future IVFs, baby shower invitations, birth annoucements, etc, totally overwhelmed me. It was enough to make me pull the shades and crawl back into bed to hide from it all. But then my cat woke me up, and really, how can you feel so bad when you're being loved all over by your cat (which she hardly does to me btw). So I sat up, opened my shades, and started reading my Joel Osteen book. I started feeling better but still not great, until my husband brought me lunch in bed. He knew I was upset and he knows I am not the type to talk out my feelings, so he came to me. He said a lot of comforting things but what made the biggest difference were his hugs. He has the ability to make me feel safe with his hugs no matter what's going on around us. And that was all I needed.
Do you remember
When it was like September?
Before you grew cold like December
And all you saw were cloudy days
And I remember
Before you grew cold like December
And all you saw were cloudy days
And I remember
That day when you surrendered
You stopped hurting cause you remembered
The season it won't last always
Tell me you remember
When your heart felt like September
Still had the joy
You stopped hurting cause you remembered
The season it won't last always
Tell me you remember
When your heart felt like September
Still had the joy
And God was just a prayer away
I can see clearly now
The sun is much brighter now
The season it won't last always
Seemed like forever
You said When will my life get better?
I'm tired of stormy weather
But the sun always shines in May
So just remember
The next time you feel like December
Remember that night in September
When God wiped all your tears away
Everybody has a September in their life.
You know, that first time you heard God's voice.
You felt His love.
So no mather what season you're in right now,
after winter comes Spring...
I can see clearly now
The sun is much brighter now
The season it won't last always
Seemed like forever
You said When will my life get better?
I'm tired of stormy weather
But the sun always shines in May
So just remember
The next time you feel like December
Remember that night in September
When God wiped all your tears away
Everybody has a September in their life.
You know, that first time you heard God's voice.
You felt His love.
So no mather what season you're in right now,
after winter comes Spring...
Sunday, September 18, 2011
Lessons in Infertility
I have so many emotions, thoughts and things I've been learning these past few weeks since our canceled embryo transfer. Actually since we entered the land of infertility almost 2 years ago. Here are few of them:
1. Gospel music helps. And lots of it. I highly recommend just about anything by Kirk Franklin.
2. Keeping a prayer journal helps. I've started writing out my prayers instead of just 'saying' them in my head. Most nights I can write pages and pages. I just talk to God. I ask him questions, I pray for myself and others; I try to remember to thank Him too for the various good things I have going in my life. It's been a good outlet and I can honestly say each day I've felt stronger and stronger. I believe that's because each night I ask God to help me wake up stronger.
3. I would be lost without my husband. When the embryologist broke the news that we weren't going to have any to transfer, my husband was out of town and was going to be gone for the next two and half days. I holed myself up in my house and just allowed myself to grieve those three days. It was a good thing. I needed to just succumb to it for a little while. The day he came home though I woke up with just the slightest bounce in my step. I didn't think I would have it back for much, much longer, but I realized how much I needed my husband. He's one of my biggest reasons for getting out of bed each morning.
4. It's okay to admit or show you're broken and weak sometimes. I have a hard time doing this. It makes me feel bad about myself if I wallow in self pity or just show emotional weakness of any kind. Don't ask me why. But once I did admit that I need my husband and I need God, I immediately felt better. Not good, but better. And that's as much as I could hope for.
5. I haven't experienced anything worse than the feeling of worthlessness: worthless at being able to give my husband the gift of being a father, my parents and in-laws the gift of being grandparents, my sister, brother and sisters-in-law of being aunts/uncles, etc, etc, etc; worthless at my current job (I'm doing something that I'm a little over-qualified for and it makes me feel like a loser most days); worthless to all my friends for being so self-absorbed in all of this that I feel like I've totally neglected them; worthless to myself in that I let myself believe, and hope, and spend so much money on this; and worst of all, worthless to God that I've let my faith waiver, I've been jealous and envious of every pregnant woman and mother I know or see, and have just overall been someone I never wanted to be - angry, resentful and ungrateful.
6. There's no one that can help me get over those feelings of worthlessness except God. I pray/write to Him every night that He'll help me overcome it. I know how damaging those self-loathing thoughts are. What's most awe-inspiring is that it's helped. I am not spending hours in therapy; I am not taking drugs or drinking; it's just God answering my prayers.
7. Faith is what keeps the light on during the darkest of times. I am consoled with believing that God has an ultimate plan for us. For whatever reason this just wasn't our time. I don't know if I'll ever be a mom. But I know that God has me in this for a reason. I know that this whole experience with infertility is preparing me for some future experience. Of course I don't know what, but I truly believe God has a purpose for us all. He created each of us for a reason. Just because we don't know what that reason is doesn't mean it doesn't exist. Sometimes the reasons are beyond our comprehension. Maybe we'll realize them someday, but until we do, or until we make it to the other side, we just have to keep going, trusting God and His plan. What else is there to do? Keep praying. Keep going. Life goes on.
8. Happiness is a choice. Joy is a gift. You can chose to be miserable day in and day out, or you can chose to be happy. It really is that simple. And if you chose to be happy, you will find joy. Happiness implies something that happens to you. But joy is something that is within you. I think about the times I have been truly joyful: my wedding day, meeting my nieces for the first time, watching something great happen to someone I love. Those are the moments where the good overshadowed the bad because of joy. Those are the moments that make life worth living. Life is not over because I am not pregnant. Life will not end if I don't ever become a mother. But only because I won't let it.
9. All of our experiences are teachers. It's up to us how or whether the lessons are learned. And it's up to us what to do with these lessons. I've learned a lot about myself this year and about God and Life. It's been a hard year but I wouldn't change it or erase it because I was meant to learn these lessons. And I am still learning. I may not become an expert but I hope with each lesson learned I'll get closer to being the person God wants to shape me into being, and I'll understand this crazy, complicated thing we call Life just a tiny bit more.
So what now?
We're working on finding a way to get insurance overage. My husband just started work for a new company that may offer benefits next year (praying hard on that one), and in the meantime I am looking into every possible company/job where I know I would get coverage, even if I have to serve up coffee at Starbucks for $8 an hour. By the way, if you know of a company in the Dallas area that offers infertility coverage, please let me know. I have Conceive Magazine's 2010 list but it's a pretty small list for my area :\
I am going to start hormone replacement therapy. I don't have periods on my own without hormones (I really think I have premature menopause), and I know I would feel better physically and mentally if I could at least cycle regularly. It doesn't necessarily mean I would be ovulating, but from what I researched the cases of conception of prematurely menopausal women on HRT is 5 - 10%.
Someday, when we have the means again financially, and the courage emotionally, we will try IVF again. We will talk to another doctor that's been recommended to me by a lot of women in my support group for his positive attitude alone, (let's just say our doctor that did this first IVF was less than optimistic or encouraging) but we definitely want to try at least once more with my own eggs. I have serious doubts about this last protocol that I won't get into because this post is already way too long, so I haven't given up hope that this can work. Who knows, maybe 6 months on HRT and I'll be in better shape. But I'm just not ready to give up yet.
I leave you with my favorite song right now. It gets me going everyday. Not all of them are easy. Some are really hard. But it's going to be okay. Today...
1. Gospel music helps. And lots of it. I highly recommend just about anything by Kirk Franklin.
2. Keeping a prayer journal helps. I've started writing out my prayers instead of just 'saying' them in my head. Most nights I can write pages and pages. I just talk to God. I ask him questions, I pray for myself and others; I try to remember to thank Him too for the various good things I have going in my life. It's been a good outlet and I can honestly say each day I've felt stronger and stronger. I believe that's because each night I ask God to help me wake up stronger.
3. I would be lost without my husband. When the embryologist broke the news that we weren't going to have any to transfer, my husband was out of town and was going to be gone for the next two and half days. I holed myself up in my house and just allowed myself to grieve those three days. It was a good thing. I needed to just succumb to it for a little while. The day he came home though I woke up with just the slightest bounce in my step. I didn't think I would have it back for much, much longer, but I realized how much I needed my husband. He's one of my biggest reasons for getting out of bed each morning.
4. It's okay to admit or show you're broken and weak sometimes. I have a hard time doing this. It makes me feel bad about myself if I wallow in self pity or just show emotional weakness of any kind. Don't ask me why. But once I did admit that I need my husband and I need God, I immediately felt better. Not good, but better. And that's as much as I could hope for.
5. I haven't experienced anything worse than the feeling of worthlessness: worthless at being able to give my husband the gift of being a father, my parents and in-laws the gift of being grandparents, my sister, brother and sisters-in-law of being aunts/uncles, etc, etc, etc; worthless at my current job (I'm doing something that I'm a little over-qualified for and it makes me feel like a loser most days); worthless to all my friends for being so self-absorbed in all of this that I feel like I've totally neglected them; worthless to myself in that I let myself believe, and hope, and spend so much money on this; and worst of all, worthless to God that I've let my faith waiver, I've been jealous and envious of every pregnant woman and mother I know or see, and have just overall been someone I never wanted to be - angry, resentful and ungrateful.
6. There's no one that can help me get over those feelings of worthlessness except God. I pray/write to Him every night that He'll help me overcome it. I know how damaging those self-loathing thoughts are. What's most awe-inspiring is that it's helped. I am not spending hours in therapy; I am not taking drugs or drinking; it's just God answering my prayers.
7. Faith is what keeps the light on during the darkest of times. I am consoled with believing that God has an ultimate plan for us. For whatever reason this just wasn't our time. I don't know if I'll ever be a mom. But I know that God has me in this for a reason. I know that this whole experience with infertility is preparing me for some future experience. Of course I don't know what, but I truly believe God has a purpose for us all. He created each of us for a reason. Just because we don't know what that reason is doesn't mean it doesn't exist. Sometimes the reasons are beyond our comprehension. Maybe we'll realize them someday, but until we do, or until we make it to the other side, we just have to keep going, trusting God and His plan. What else is there to do? Keep praying. Keep going. Life goes on.
8. Happiness is a choice. Joy is a gift. You can chose to be miserable day in and day out, or you can chose to be happy. It really is that simple. And if you chose to be happy, you will find joy. Happiness implies something that happens to you. But joy is something that is within you. I think about the times I have been truly joyful: my wedding day, meeting my nieces for the first time, watching something great happen to someone I love. Those are the moments where the good overshadowed the bad because of joy. Those are the moments that make life worth living. Life is not over because I am not pregnant. Life will not end if I don't ever become a mother. But only because I won't let it.
9. All of our experiences are teachers. It's up to us how or whether the lessons are learned. And it's up to us what to do with these lessons. I've learned a lot about myself this year and about God and Life. It's been a hard year but I wouldn't change it or erase it because I was meant to learn these lessons. And I am still learning. I may not become an expert but I hope with each lesson learned I'll get closer to being the person God wants to shape me into being, and I'll understand this crazy, complicated thing we call Life just a tiny bit more.
So what now?
We're working on finding a way to get insurance overage. My husband just started work for a new company that may offer benefits next year (praying hard on that one), and in the meantime I am looking into every possible company/job where I know I would get coverage, even if I have to serve up coffee at Starbucks for $8 an hour. By the way, if you know of a company in the Dallas area that offers infertility coverage, please let me know. I have Conceive Magazine's 2010 list but it's a pretty small list for my area :\
I am going to start hormone replacement therapy. I don't have periods on my own without hormones (I really think I have premature menopause), and I know I would feel better physically and mentally if I could at least cycle regularly. It doesn't necessarily mean I would be ovulating, but from what I researched the cases of conception of prematurely menopausal women on HRT is 5 - 10%.
Someday, when we have the means again financially, and the courage emotionally, we will try IVF again. We will talk to another doctor that's been recommended to me by a lot of women in my support group for his positive attitude alone, (let's just say our doctor that did this first IVF was less than optimistic or encouraging) but we definitely want to try at least once more with my own eggs. I have serious doubts about this last protocol that I won't get into because this post is already way too long, so I haven't given up hope that this can work. Who knows, maybe 6 months on HRT and I'll be in better shape. But I'm just not ready to give up yet.
I leave you with my favorite song right now. It gets me going everyday. Not all of them are easy. Some are really hard. But it's going to be okay. Today...
Friday, September 2, 2011
It's Over
Just got the call from the embryologist. No grow for either embryo.There will be no transfer/implantation.
Thank you to all for your prayers, well wishes, thoughts, support, love, etc.
Thank you to all for your prayers, well wishes, thoughts, support, love, etc.
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