I Smile

I challenge you to listen to this song and not feel good. Or at least better...
'I Smile' Kirk Franklin

Well, I am still technically "on break" from my IF treatments, but we all know there is never a true break from IF. Here's a quick rundown of some of the tests and the results I've had recently with my new doc:

• Hysteroscopy was normal, so my uterus is in good shape. I felt like I should've bought it a drink after that one!
• Insulin Resistance test was normal. Thankfully I don't have to say goodbye to my carbs.
• My new doc looked at the image of my HSG, the test that checked my tubes for blockage, and pointed out that my left tube is coiled. It's not blocked but that could complicate the passageway to my uterus. Another apparent oversight of RE #1. I am confident she did not review the image, just the report from the doctor that performed the test saying there was no blockage. I believe my new doc's assessment is accurate b/c in my 1st two cycles my mature follicles were in my left ovary only. Those two cycle were BFNs. My last cycle, the one in which I had the chemical pregnancy, I had one mature follicle only in my right ovary. So the embryo made it through my right tube, but possibly embryos never made it down my left.
• The last thing my new doc looked at was my AMH. This is a test to see if I have an adequate supply of eggs. Well, turns out I don't. This was really no surprise b/c I was a relatively poor responder to the gonadotropin inj's. So I have a new diagnosis from my new doc - diminished ovarian reserve. Awesome, huh? Way back in '98 I had a huge cyst on my right ovary. It was the size of a grapefruit. Don't ask me how or why I had no clue it was there until it was discovered by my GYN. Ironically that exam was my first GYN exam ever. Traumatic much? Anyway, when she removed it unfortunately about 70% of my right ovary went with it. So again, no surprise I'm coming up short on eggs..

So all of this means we need to do IVF to have the best chance at conception. I was really hoping it wouldn't come down to this but it has. My AMH is 0.72 and once it gets as low as 0.3 my egg supply will be all but gone. And we all know what that means. So not only do we have to do IVF but we have to move fast while I still have something to work with. The older we get, the more time that passes, the less eggs women have. We are born with all we'll ever have. IVF also makes sense now b/c it's very possible my left tube is degenerate, as is my right ovary. It's almost laughable, really. Ha. Ok, enough humor, I don't want to hurt myself.

So this week and next week my husband and I are scrambling to prepare financially for our first IVF cycle, which will happen hopefully in Aug. It's going to cost us roughly $15,000 for everything. We don't have any insurance coverage. It makes me physically nauseous to think of all the other things we could have spent 15 G's on. Oh, and my doc gave us about a 30% chance of success b/c of my low egg count. Fewer eggs means less chance of getting a good egg and hence a good embryo to implant. I'm sure you see my turmoil. But, beggars can't be choosers and I am certainly a beggar at this point. Only God knows...

Speaking of which, I've been listening to a lot of gospel music lately. I have Sirius radio in my car and I've had it on the gospel station just about every am on my drive to work. So the other day I have to stop at the gas station. It's pretty nice out in the mornings so I had my windows down, "God Blocked It" by Kurt Carr blasting. I pull into the station next to a car with an older black lady getting out of it. She hears my Gospel Mobile coming, freezes in her tracks, waits for me to turn off my car and get out, then hollers over to me as I'm closing my door and heading to the pump, Amen baby! as she raises both of her hands in the air, a big smile on her face.

"And I've got life to live
And there are blessings
He wants to give

God blocked it
He wouldn't let me fall
He wouldn't let it be so
It was the Lord
Nobody but Jesus"

Amen indeed.