Friday, July 22, 2011

Welcome to What If Land

Our first, and God willing only, IVF has begun. I took my first Lupron shot this morning. I start stims the week of the Aug. 15th, so that will put the egg retrieval probably somewhere around the 25th and the embryo transfer around the 30th.

Anyone that has done this before knows all the emotions that go along with it; and anyone that hasn't can probably imagine: everything from anticipation to pure fear. I have to make a conscious effort not to go to What If Land everyday. It's a scary place and I know I don't belong there, especially now, when I need to force all the zen and positive energy out of myself I can muster. I truly believe in the mind/body connection, and I know that now it is so critical to the success of this cycle that I ward off as much stress, anxiety and depression as I can. But I feel like I am already failing at that.

I am going through transitions at work (new position, losing my fantastic, super supportive, cheerleader boss that I miss already), attempting school, and now of course IVF, and it's just too much - too stressful and too overwhelming. So I have to fix that as quick as I can, which unfortunately means one of them has to go. IVF isn't an option, and I have to work for reasons I can't really seem to remember right now....oh yeah, we just spent $15,000 on IVF; so that leaves kicking school to the curb. It sucks because it's something I really want, but I can't do it and IVF and start a new job. Or I could, but I don't know if I should. If I sabotage this cycle due to my mental state, I'll never get over that. I will regret it for the rest of my life.

I've been feeling quite sorry for myself over this dilemma, yet another gift of infertility, the gift that just keeps on giving. But I imagine it'll be nothing compared to how I'll feel if this IVF cycle fails. See, there I go on my one way trip to What If Land. It's really too bad I don't accrue any frequent flier miles. I could probably fly from here to Australia every week and back for free at this rate.

That's all I've got today. I still listen to my gospel music everyday, but I just can't seem to find my voice to sing along with it lately.


  1. I hope you find your voice. Praise is the only thing that got me through my cycles. Pure unadulterated praise.

  2. Best of luck this cycle. Really hoping that it works for you.

  3. Wishing you all the best with your IVF!! I've got everything crossed for you!!

  4. Wishing you the best this cycle and that you don't ever have to do another one! Are you on Fertile Thoughts by the way? My username is knotnelson, do we know each other :)