Uncovered

Today was our first monitoring appointment! It went well; I feel better. I was pretty nervous about it. I figured we'd have some eggs at the end of all of this to retrieve, but I have been nervous that it'll be a situation like our 3rd cycle on inj's and timed IC back in April where we only had 1 mature follicle. But this am doc saw what he thought were 5 follicles - 2 on my left ovary and 3 on the right. The biggest two are only 10mm so it's still really early (they'll need to be at least 18mm before they're ready for retrieval). We go back Friday morning to have them measured again and he'll check to see where my uterine lining is in terms of its thickness, since that has been an issue. But I have been on an estrogen priming protocol so hopefully that will not be the case this time. And the nurse mentioned this am that she thinks doc is going to go ahead and have me start on Viagra suppositories on Friday, which also addresses my thin lining issue. So our goal is to have 5 -6 mature follicles for egg retrieval, which is about standard for women w/ DOR. If at least 3 of those fertilize and make it to blastocyst on day 5 we'll transfer all 3 to give us the best chances that at least one will make it, and if we have any more than 3 make it to blast we'll freeze, just in case. That's the plan. We still have a little ways to go yet; I know we won't have any mature follicles much before the end of next week.

I had a pretty rough w/e. I have been so nervous about this IVF. So much is at stake: all the money we've spent, and continue to have to spend, the fact that this will probably tell us whether or not my eggs are any good or if we're just chasing rainbows (it sucks we won't know that until the very end), and of course I think about what we'll do if this doesn't work. How will we fund another IVF cycle before it's 'too late'? Or will another IVF cycle even be an option? How will I make it through emotionally? And if it does work? That's a much better scenario to contemplate, but one that brings its own set of anxieties.

So I had a hard time this w/e, and the only reason I didn't succumb to the depression I feel lapping at my heels everyday is my husband. For those that know us, I don't have to tell you how great my husband is. For those that don't know us, I'm sure you know all to well that infertility isn't something you can get through alone. It's so crucial to have a strong support system; people that you can lean on when you're at your weakest. Because there are so many weak moments in infertility. And my husband has been so incredibly strong and supportive for me. I have been very hard to live with these past couple weeks since starting the meds for this IVF cycle. So yesterday when I decided I was going to wallow in my depression, my husband could have ignored it, chose not to deal with it, because that would have been the easy thing to do. But he talked me off the ledge again. He reminded me that we still have much to be hopeful for, and he reminded me that we can still make plans if this IVF doesn't work. But what made me feel better was just knowing how much he cares, how much he's invested in our future, and not just IVF and babies but me. He just wants a future where I am happy and it was really nice to be reminded that it's not always going to be up to me. That I have a partner who has my best interests, my needs and my wants, at the forefront. In infertility it's usually about sacrifice and uncertainty. There's so much fear and anxiety as a result. But my husband saved my sanity yesterday because he looked into my eyes, into my core, and told me he'll always be here to take care of me. My happiness and well being will always be his number one priority. How can I feel hopeless knowing that?

I don't know why God has put us in this situation but I know why God brought my husband and me together. Without him I would still be hiding under the covers.