We got our first negative pregnancy test result today. I would write all about my feelings - those ones simmering under my skin like blood blisters, threatening to break open and ooze the gunk that I can feel in the pit of my stomach, the back of my throat and behind my eyes, making me feel as though I could break into a thousand tiny pieces. Those omnipresent feelings that are trying really hard to take over me, mind and body. But I'm fighting an internal war with those feelings right now that takes all my concentration, so until further notice, I will be doing battle. Day in and day out.
What's the next step? Another cycle, but first I have to wait for a period, which may not come considering I haven't had one in 14 months. I'm to wait 10 days and if I still don't start one I'll have to notify my RE. So if you don't hear from me for a while, that's why. Once my period starts I can begin Cycle #2.
I heard this song on the radio yesterday. Whoever wrote it thought he/she wrote it for all the lonely single people out there. Little did he/she probably know that it could touch someone who's not longing for a lover in their life, but a special someone never the less....
I'm not surprised, not everything lasts
I've broken my heart so many times, I stopped keeping track
Talk myself in, I talk myself out
I get all worked up, then I let myself down
I tried so very hard not to lose it
I came up with a million excuses
I thought of every possibility
And I know someday that it'll all turn out
You'll make me work, so we can work to work it out
And I promise you, Kid, that I give so much more than I get
I just haven't met you yet
I might have to wait, I'll never give up
I guess it's half timing, and the other half's luck
Wherever you are, whenever it's right
You'll come out of nowhere and into my life
And I know that we can be so amazing
And, Baby, your love is gonna change me
And now I can see every possibility
And somehow I know that it'll all turn out
You'll make me work, so we can work to work it out
And I promise you, Kid, I give so much more than I get
I just haven't met you yet
They say all's fair
In love and war
But I won't need to fight it
We'll get it right and we'll be united
And I know that we can be so amazing
And being in your life is gonna change me
And now I can see every single possibility
And someday I know it'll all turn out
And I'll work to work it out
Promise you, Kid, I'll give more than I get
I just haven't met you yet.
I have always claimed that as "our" infertility song (though my husband doesn't like him...) I take comfort in it, because it is so true, so much of our lives revlove around this little person we haven't met yet!
ReplyDeleteIt's really hard getting going on treatments. You might be surprised by your period, I get mine after clomid cycles without provera now, and I thought that was a minor miracle in and of itself! Good luck. I'm sorry about your BFN.
ReplyDeleteLove, love you!!!! I am here if you need me. You are amazing at sharing your feelings and you are an amazing writer. I am praying for you guys. I am so proud of you & I am amazed at your strength through this I know it has got to be such a roller coaster.
ReplyDeleteYeah that song gets me every time. it gives me hope, whereas other songs just make me cry.
ReplyDeleteSo sorry about your BFN. I didn't expect to be so disappointed when we got ours. I realize that we'd only had one possible month, two possible months where there was any chance at pregnancy, but it was still really upsetting.
much love,
foxy