I am an Oprah fan. I loved her show, her magazine is my favorite magazine. I drop everything to read it as soon as it shows up in my mailbox. I've read her books from her bookclub, I've participated in her "Best Life" stuff. I love the people she's sculpted - Dr. Oz, Suze Orman. I just LOVE me some Oprah, and I love her because when she speaks she says things that are worth listening to. I believe she gets It.
So naturally I have watched her "Master Class" series on OWN. And I recently, finally, caught the episode of Oprah's own personal Master Class episode. If you aren't familiar it's a series that features celebrities giving these monologues about their life lessons and experiences, like memoirs. There is one lesson in Oprah's episode in particular that I just had to share. I've watched her and listened to her teach this lesson. I've watched over and over and over. And I've cried over and over and over. And with each tear, with each viewing, I feel a little more of me surrender. When you watch it, and I hope you will, you'll see why.
I'll preface the video, since it cuts out some of the story. You might know Oprah was in the movie, "The Color Purple." But you might not know that Oprah was really, really obsessed with "The Color Purple." It's her favorite book of all time. She stalked her local bookstore at the time it was released and bought every copy in the store to give away to people - friends, family, coworkers, even random people on the streets. She loved it so much because she related to the story and the characters, and it enriched her life by bringing about an acceptance, an understanding, and ultimately a healing from her tumultuous past.
Oprah reaches out to everybody in Hollywood that will listen when she learns of the movie production. She desperately wants to be cast in the movie. After all, she is the book's biggest fan. No one lived and breathed and loved that story more than she did. She could practically recite the entire book word for word she'd read it so many times. So this video starts with her describing what happens after the audition.
As you watch the video, replace "The Color Purple" with infertility. And it's my story. It's your story. But more importantly it's our lesson to learn.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oS8QPj6lrKE&feature=related - watch the first 7 minutes
Wednesday, June 1, 2011
Sunday, May 1, 2011
Revelations
Before I say anything else, I want to thank everyone from the bottom of my heart for the comments you left me on my last post; to those that sent me encouraging emails, texts and phone calls; to those that have kept me in your thoughts and prayers this week; and especially to my husband and my family, who held my hand and dried my tears, and maybe even shed some of your own - your love and support will forever hold a place in my heart. Know that I couldn't face each day without you. There are no words to express my gratitude so I will always try my hardest to be as good to you as you have been to me.
Now with that all said, I am feeling much better today. Last night was the first night of restful sleep I've had in a week which I really needed. I didn't wake up this morning feeling weighed down. I did wake up with some pretty intense cramping and some spotting, but my guess is that my period is soon on its way. I think I am ready for it. It will be the final nail in the coffin - my body telling me it's moved on. My hCG was down to 14 on Thurs. I consider myself lucky that it dropped on its own.
On Friday we had a consultation with a new doctor. Last week we learned that our first RE just wasn't paying attention. She didn't even bother to call me herself during last week's "events." Not a, I'm sorry, here's maybe what went wrong or here's what we may do differently next time. Maybe that's not standard protocol but it's not acceptable to me. It's also not acceptable to me that, after reviewing my records from her, she sent us on our merry way after our last u/s without bothering to mention the fact that my lining of 6.1mm might be an issue. Instead she just told her nurse to send me home with a couple estrogen patches and call it a cycle. I know better now.
So we went to a new doctor and we are going to start seeing him instead. Here's what we learned from him:
It helps to have a plan and some answers, and it helps to feel like we have someone who is going to pay attention. It's given me a little bit of hope again. I am trying to think of this as a new beginning.
While I was in church this morning, flipping through the Bible, I just happened to open to John 16: 17-33. It's the "ask and you shall receive" message. He uses a woman in childbirth going through agony only to have it replaced by pure joy with the birth of her baby analogy. Jesus says, "Now is your time of grief, but I will see you again and you will rejoice, and no one will take away your joy." I read those verses over and over, realizing that I didn't randomly flip to that page in my Bible. All week I cried and prayed and begged to God to show me something, anything to let me know that's He's here, that He's listening.
I think He showed me.
Now with that all said, I am feeling much better today. Last night was the first night of restful sleep I've had in a week which I really needed. I didn't wake up this morning feeling weighed down. I did wake up with some pretty intense cramping and some spotting, but my guess is that my period is soon on its way. I think I am ready for it. It will be the final nail in the coffin - my body telling me it's moved on. My hCG was down to 14 on Thurs. I consider myself lucky that it dropped on its own.
On Friday we had a consultation with a new doctor. Last week we learned that our first RE just wasn't paying attention. She didn't even bother to call me herself during last week's "events." Not a, I'm sorry, here's maybe what went wrong or here's what we may do differently next time. Maybe that's not standard protocol but it's not acceptable to me. It's also not acceptable to me that, after reviewing my records from her, she sent us on our merry way after our last u/s without bothering to mention the fact that my lining of 6.1mm might be an issue. Instead she just told her nurse to send me home with a couple estrogen patches and call it a cycle. I know better now.
So we went to a new doctor and we are going to start seeing him instead. Here's what we learned from him:
- The first RE told me she didn't think I would respond to Clomid. I never asked her why. She just said we needed to do gonad. inj's right out the gate. According to the new doctor, yes, the chances of conceiving w/ inj's vs Clomid is slightly higher, but by slightly he means about 2%. Call me crazy but I don't think the $1,300/month difference between the inj's and Clomid justifies that 2%. So for the next cycle I'll be on Clomid instead. We'll see how I do. I am certainly willing to give it a try.
- He also said that had he seen my uterine lining was that thin so far into the cycle, he would have just cancelled the cycle. He said there was "no way" I could have sustained a pregnancy with a lining that thin. I told him she put me on the patch the day I triggered but he said I would've needed to have it on about 2 weeks earlier for my lining to thicken in time. I'm sure now that my lining was to blame for this miscarriage b/c as soon as I took off the patch and stopped the progesterone my hCG dropped right away. So next time I will wear the patch or do a Viagra suppository much earlier on. Interestingly, Viagra is used to address thin uterine linings b/c just in the way it works to enhance blood flow to the penis in men, apparently it does the same to the uterus in women.
- Before we start more treatments, he is going to run some tests. I'd always wondered in the back of my mind if I needed more diagnostics so I am all for it. He's going to check my AMH first and foremost. That'll test my ovarian reserve to make sure I'm not coming up short. My response to the drugs has been ok but he wants to rule it out completely before we go any further. He's going to check my insulin and blood glucose levels to rule out any insulin resistance. This is b/c I have PCOS variance, (my 1st RE gave me the same diagnosis). What's odd though is that unlike most PCOS patients, I am not very sensitive to the drugs. I have responded with at least one mature follicle each cycle, but most PCOS patients will have much more than that. And third, he's going to do a hysteroscopy to check out my uterus to see if there's anything in there that's not allowing my lining to grow like it should. He said my estrogen levels have been ok - good enough that I should have an adequate lining. But that's not the case so he wants to do some more investigating there.
- So once these tests are done, and if everything comes back normal, we'll proceed w/ the Clomid plan. I think I'm going to have the tests done in June, and then if we can, we'll start our next cycle w/ him in July.
It helps to have a plan and some answers, and it helps to feel like we have someone who is going to pay attention. It's given me a little bit of hope again. I am trying to think of this as a new beginning.
While I was in church this morning, flipping through the Bible, I just happened to open to John 16: 17-33. It's the "ask and you shall receive" message. He uses a woman in childbirth going through agony only to have it replaced by pure joy with the birth of her baby analogy. Jesus says, "Now is your time of grief, but I will see you again and you will rejoice, and no one will take away your joy." I read those verses over and over, realizing that I didn't randomly flip to that page in my Bible. All week I cried and prayed and begged to God to show me something, anything to let me know that's He's here, that He's listening.
I think He showed me.
Tuesday, April 26, 2011
On the Way Down
So this is rock bottom. This must be what Hell feels like.
I had a pregnancy. A live, living, real embryo or blastocyst. Not sure which. But it was real. I felt it. And I loved it. And now, nothing. It's still there. It's still in me, hanging on by a thread, but it will be gone eventually.
My beta was 23 on Friday, 10 dpo. Good Friday was so good indeed. Like a fool I thanked God. Like a fool I told my family I was pregnant and gave them hope. Like a fool I let myself believe. I let myself hope. I have never hated myself more for that.
Today my beta was 25. I don't know what went wrong. My instinct is that it's ectopic b/c I have sharp pains and I fainted Sat am with cold sweats. But I don't know for sure what went wrong. It could be anything: bad egg, the fact my uterine lining was so thin this cycle, chromosomal defect, autoimmune issue as yet undiscovered. People say, it's good. It's promising that I got pregnant at all. It's a step forward. I don't feel that optimism. I don't feel that hope. Now I just have another issue to contend with. Not only am I infertile but now I may not be able to sustain a pregnancy. Ever. Is it over for me? Is it over before it even began?
Now all I can do is wait and see if my hCG drops off on its own and my body terminates the pregnancy naturally. If it doesn't it'll mean...I can't even type it out. I am so close to vomiting. Oh God, please help me. Please take away this pain. Please take away this baby. First I beg for a baby then I beg for it to be taken away. How ironic. How idiotic. How cruel is this. How will I get out of bed tomorrow? How will I go to work and pretend there isn't a dying baby inside of me? How will I wait out each day until its gone while being able to function? How will I heal? How will I live with these scars? How will I have the courage to try this again?
How? When? Why? I have so many questions that may never be answered; so many questions that can never be answered. So this is rock bottom. That's one question that no longer needs answering.
I had a pregnancy. A live, living, real embryo or blastocyst. Not sure which. But it was real. I felt it. And I loved it. And now, nothing. It's still there. It's still in me, hanging on by a thread, but it will be gone eventually.
My beta was 23 on Friday, 10 dpo. Good Friday was so good indeed. Like a fool I thanked God. Like a fool I told my family I was pregnant and gave them hope. Like a fool I let myself believe. I let myself hope. I have never hated myself more for that.
Today my beta was 25. I don't know what went wrong. My instinct is that it's ectopic b/c I have sharp pains and I fainted Sat am with cold sweats. But I don't know for sure what went wrong. It could be anything: bad egg, the fact my uterine lining was so thin this cycle, chromosomal defect, autoimmune issue as yet undiscovered. People say, it's good. It's promising that I got pregnant at all. It's a step forward. I don't feel that optimism. I don't feel that hope. Now I just have another issue to contend with. Not only am I infertile but now I may not be able to sustain a pregnancy. Ever. Is it over for me? Is it over before it even began?
Now all I can do is wait and see if my hCG drops off on its own and my body terminates the pregnancy naturally. If it doesn't it'll mean...I can't even type it out. I am so close to vomiting. Oh God, please help me. Please take away this pain. Please take away this baby. First I beg for a baby then I beg for it to be taken away. How ironic. How idiotic. How cruel is this. How will I get out of bed tomorrow? How will I go to work and pretend there isn't a dying baby inside of me? How will I wait out each day until its gone while being able to function? How will I heal? How will I live with these scars? How will I have the courage to try this again?
How? When? Why? I have so many questions that may never be answered; so many questions that can never be answered. So this is rock bottom. That's one question that no longer needs answering.
Saturday, April 9, 2011
Finding Beautiful
I'm triggering tonight but this cycle has been really different from the first two, both physically and mentally.
Physically, I have one fully mature follie. Go me. Ironically enough it's on my right ovary, the "cresent" ovary, (it was partially removed along w/ a cyst back in '98). I guess my right ovary feels like it has something to prove. I have 7 medium sized follies on my left, whole ovary. The biggest one is 15mm but the rest are all 13mm and under. Also sub par is my uterine lining. It measured 6.1mm this am. From what I understand 9mm is ideal and it's not been an issue the last two cycles. So doc has me starting on an estrogen patch Tues along with the progesterone. Should make for an interesting combination. Has anyone had to do both these post ovulation? I've been taking the progesterone post ovulation but never the estrogen. My E2 was 600 yesterday though which is about where it's been by this time from the other two cycles. So with only one mature follicle and a thinner than ideal uterine lining, I guess the odds aren't in our favor.
Mentally, the first two cycles were filled with so much anxiety by the time I ovulated, and all during the 2ww. And then depression as the beta crept closer with the realization that I wasn't PG, only to be confirmed by that formal, disconnected voice of my nurse on the other end: "I'm sorry..." Which brings me to a side note: I really hate the phrase 'I'm sorry' right now. I know that saying 'I'm sorry' is meant to convey empathy, but I hate it when people tell me they're sorry because it makes me feel like I'm sorry. They're so sorry for me. I hate the idea of people thinking how sorry of a situation I have. I guess I just hate that word. Sorry = pity. It's just a negative association at this point. I would much rather hear things like, I'm praying for you, or keep your head up. Anyway, I'm sure I come off sounding like total B with my I'm Sorry rant but that's just how I feel :\
Anyway, what I was getting to was this cycle hasn't been nearly as anxiety inducing or emotionally unstable for me. I cried and threw temper tantrums more than I thought a 30 year old woman capable of during the 1st two cycles, but not this time! I haven't cried once since I got my BFN last month. I haven't ranted (out loud) once since the last cycle. And it's not because I'm holding it in. It's because I just don't need to. I feel "normal" this cycle. I feel more like my old self, before IF became a part of my daily vocabulary. Before IF became my obession. Maybe it's because my body reacted differently to the hormones this time. Maybe it's because I've been really working on not drowning in the negative inner dialog I've fed myself for the past several months. Maybe it's because I'm starting to focus on other things like summer vacations and a career change. Those are things I can really get excited about that don't have to do with making babies! In fact, they're kinda less than ideal for baby making ;)
Whatever it is, it's made today much more enjoyable. I don't know how I'll feel tomorrow or the next day or the next, but today I'm chosing to focus on the things outside the private turmoil of IF. I have to remind myself consistently, but there are a lot of things I can do and think about that will help bring me peace and even happiness. Like for instance, my husband and I went on an 8 mile walk around the lake today and it was wonderful. We went after my doctor appointment, right after I'd found out about my thin uterine lining and small follicles. If we'd come home and sat all afternoon, if I'd really dwelled on this less than ideal situation of which I have no control over, I might be writing a very different blog right now. But instead we went out, drank in some sunshine, breathed in some fresh lake air, and I felt just organically happy. Just to walk beside my husband and talk to my husband for 2 hours uninterrupted about everything and nothing. So this cycle may not work again. I'll be heartbroken, no doubt. But I'll also be ok. And if I let myself, I'll also be happy again at some point. Because there will always be another sunny, beautiful day with fresh air and a clean lake and good strong legs to get me around it. And a husband at my side who has seen me at my absolute worst and loves me no less for it. For these things, life can be beautiful, if I only promise to look for the beauty.
Physically, I have one fully mature follie. Go me. Ironically enough it's on my right ovary, the "cresent" ovary, (it was partially removed along w/ a cyst back in '98). I guess my right ovary feels like it has something to prove. I have 7 medium sized follies on my left, whole ovary. The biggest one is 15mm but the rest are all 13mm and under. Also sub par is my uterine lining. It measured 6.1mm this am. From what I understand 9mm is ideal and it's not been an issue the last two cycles. So doc has me starting on an estrogen patch Tues along with the progesterone. Should make for an interesting combination. Has anyone had to do both these post ovulation? I've been taking the progesterone post ovulation but never the estrogen. My E2 was 600 yesterday though which is about where it's been by this time from the other two cycles. So with only one mature follicle and a thinner than ideal uterine lining, I guess the odds aren't in our favor.
Mentally, the first two cycles were filled with so much anxiety by the time I ovulated, and all during the 2ww. And then depression as the beta crept closer with the realization that I wasn't PG, only to be confirmed by that formal, disconnected voice of my nurse on the other end: "I'm sorry..." Which brings me to a side note: I really hate the phrase 'I'm sorry' right now. I know that saying 'I'm sorry' is meant to convey empathy, but I hate it when people tell me they're sorry because it makes me feel like I'm sorry. They're so sorry for me. I hate the idea of people thinking how sorry of a situation I have. I guess I just hate that word. Sorry = pity. It's just a negative association at this point. I would much rather hear things like, I'm praying for you, or keep your head up. Anyway, I'm sure I come off sounding like total B with my I'm Sorry rant but that's just how I feel :\
Anyway, what I was getting to was this cycle hasn't been nearly as anxiety inducing or emotionally unstable for me. I cried and threw temper tantrums more than I thought a 30 year old woman capable of during the 1st two cycles, but not this time! I haven't cried once since I got my BFN last month. I haven't ranted (out loud) once since the last cycle. And it's not because I'm holding it in. It's because I just don't need to. I feel "normal" this cycle. I feel more like my old self, before IF became a part of my daily vocabulary. Before IF became my obession. Maybe it's because my body reacted differently to the hormones this time. Maybe it's because I've been really working on not drowning in the negative inner dialog I've fed myself for the past several months. Maybe it's because I'm starting to focus on other things like summer vacations and a career change. Those are things I can really get excited about that don't have to do with making babies! In fact, they're kinda less than ideal for baby making ;)
Whatever it is, it's made today much more enjoyable. I don't know how I'll feel tomorrow or the next day or the next, but today I'm chosing to focus on the things outside the private turmoil of IF. I have to remind myself consistently, but there are a lot of things I can do and think about that will help bring me peace and even happiness. Like for instance, my husband and I went on an 8 mile walk around the lake today and it was wonderful. We went after my doctor appointment, right after I'd found out about my thin uterine lining and small follicles. If we'd come home and sat all afternoon, if I'd really dwelled on this less than ideal situation of which I have no control over, I might be writing a very different blog right now. But instead we went out, drank in some sunshine, breathed in some fresh lake air, and I felt just organically happy. Just to walk beside my husband and talk to my husband for 2 hours uninterrupted about everything and nothing. So this cycle may not work again. I'll be heartbroken, no doubt. But I'll also be ok. And if I let myself, I'll also be happy again at some point. Because there will always be another sunny, beautiful day with fresh air and a clean lake and good strong legs to get me around it. And a husband at my side who has seen me at my absolute worst and loves me no less for it. For these things, life can be beautiful, if I only promise to look for the beauty.
Friday, April 1, 2011
The Power of Now
I'm back in the game. I started back on my injections the other night after the u/s this week showed my cysts are gone. So this is cycle # 3. And my HSG I had done last week didn't show any blockage. Let's hope it helped paved the way for traveling embryos.
I've been thinking a lot about plans lately - making plans mostly. I've been a planner my whole life. I need organization. I need order and structure and stability. I need to know exactly where I am going and exactly how to get there. I'm always thinking two steps ahead. I get lost in the future sometimes I think about it so much. I think about how to make it exactly as I want it. I want children so I think about what I'm going to need to do to have children. I want a career change so I think about what I have to do to make a career change. But what's funny is that while I tell myself these are things I can control, things I need to control (yes, I am a major control freak), I know that there's not much in life we have control over. The ability to have children is pretty much totally out of my control and the career change is somewhat in my control but not completely. There are a million things that could derail that plan. And that's the funny thing about plans - they rarely work out like they are supposed to.
Thinking back on my life the most important and significant events were unplanned. I didn't plan on calling my now husband one day after not speaking to him in two years and that conversation leading to the relationship that would last a lifetime. I just did it one day on a whim. I didn't plan on my now husband moving across the country to start a life with me. He told me he'd made that decision one day and 8 weeks later we were moving into an apartment together. I didn't plan on having the job and the career I have now. I just happened to be in the right place at the right time. I didn't plan on being infertile.
So why do we work so hard on these big plans we make for ourselves if we know we aren't guaranteed the outcome? Why can't we just live in the moment, for the moment? I understand that there are circumstances that warrant some planning. If I am to make the career change and have children despite my infertility there needs to be some sort of plan. Waking up day after day without taking any action definitely won't make either of those things happen. But at what point do we tell ourselves, I've done enough. I'm going to go to school to make my career change, or take these shots every night, but beyond that I'm not making any more plans.
Maybe I feel like if I just keep moving at a runner's pace I'm sure to make these plans happen. And let's just say that they do. Then what? I start planning again? Maybe this time it's for a second child, or now that I've finished school I've got to land that job in my new career and work my way up the ladder. Are you exhausted yet? If you're anything like me you've been planning for so long that you don't remember where you started. And you don't know if you are where you are today because of either good or bad planning or because of coincidence or fate or whatever. But it doesn't matter why we are where we are today or how we got here. That's the past. It's over. And the future doesn't belong to any of us. For all of our planning and ambitions it's only as certain as the next sunrises and sunsets. And who is planning those?
So that just leaves us with right now. Right this minute you are reading this and in the back of your mind you're still thinking about your plans and your future. That's ok. I am too. Most of us don't live in the present nearly as much as we should and that's to our detriment. Right this minute I'm listening to the soft sounds of the crickets outside my window. I'm feeling the warm spring air through the window. I'm smelling fresh, new grass. No plans. No worries. No pain. Not for those 10 seconds that I just took a complete time out to notice those things instead of thinking about my plans and my future.
"Unease, anxiety, tension, stress, worry — all forms of fear — are caused by too much future, and not enough presence. Guilt, regret, resentment, grievances, sadness, bitterness, and all forms of non forgiveness are caused by too much past, and not enough presence."
-Eckhart Tolle
"Be where you are. Otherwise you will miss your life."
-Buddha
I've been thinking a lot about plans lately - making plans mostly. I've been a planner my whole life. I need organization. I need order and structure and stability. I need to know exactly where I am going and exactly how to get there. I'm always thinking two steps ahead. I get lost in the future sometimes I think about it so much. I think about how to make it exactly as I want it. I want children so I think about what I'm going to need to do to have children. I want a career change so I think about what I have to do to make a career change. But what's funny is that while I tell myself these are things I can control, things I need to control (yes, I am a major control freak), I know that there's not much in life we have control over. The ability to have children is pretty much totally out of my control and the career change is somewhat in my control but not completely. There are a million things that could derail that plan. And that's the funny thing about plans - they rarely work out like they are supposed to.
Thinking back on my life the most important and significant events were unplanned. I didn't plan on calling my now husband one day after not speaking to him in two years and that conversation leading to the relationship that would last a lifetime. I just did it one day on a whim. I didn't plan on my now husband moving across the country to start a life with me. He told me he'd made that decision one day and 8 weeks later we were moving into an apartment together. I didn't plan on having the job and the career I have now. I just happened to be in the right place at the right time. I didn't plan on being infertile.
So why do we work so hard on these big plans we make for ourselves if we know we aren't guaranteed the outcome? Why can't we just live in the moment, for the moment? I understand that there are circumstances that warrant some planning. If I am to make the career change and have children despite my infertility there needs to be some sort of plan. Waking up day after day without taking any action definitely won't make either of those things happen. But at what point do we tell ourselves, I've done enough. I'm going to go to school to make my career change, or take these shots every night, but beyond that I'm not making any more plans.
Maybe I feel like if I just keep moving at a runner's pace I'm sure to make these plans happen. And let's just say that they do. Then what? I start planning again? Maybe this time it's for a second child, or now that I've finished school I've got to land that job in my new career and work my way up the ladder. Are you exhausted yet? If you're anything like me you've been planning for so long that you don't remember where you started. And you don't know if you are where you are today because of either good or bad planning or because of coincidence or fate or whatever. But it doesn't matter why we are where we are today or how we got here. That's the past. It's over. And the future doesn't belong to any of us. For all of our planning and ambitions it's only as certain as the next sunrises and sunsets. And who is planning those?
So that just leaves us with right now. Right this minute you are reading this and in the back of your mind you're still thinking about your plans and your future. That's ok. I am too. Most of us don't live in the present nearly as much as we should and that's to our detriment. Right this minute I'm listening to the soft sounds of the crickets outside my window. I'm feeling the warm spring air through the window. I'm smelling fresh, new grass. No plans. No worries. No pain. Not for those 10 seconds that I just took a complete time out to notice those things instead of thinking about my plans and my future.
"Unease, anxiety, tension, stress, worry — all forms of fear — are caused by too much future, and not enough presence. Guilt, regret, resentment, grievances, sadness, bitterness, and all forms of non forgiveness are caused by too much past, and not enough presence."
-Eckhart Tolle
"Be where you are. Otherwise you will miss your life."
-Buddha
Friday, March 18, 2011
Changes in Latitudes, Changes in Attitudes
Let's see how quickly I can catch my blog up b/c a lot has happened in 2 weeks:
Baby O was born before I got my BFN last week. Already she was thinking of others :) It would have been an uncomfortable mix of emotions if she'd been born that same day, and unfortunately I may have always associated her birthday with it. But she spared me of that and my sister any feelings of guilt she may have had too, (I have to remind myself sometimes that I'm not the only one my IF affects). So when she was born it was to every one's pure delight. We ooh'ed and ahhh'ed over the pictures of her and immediately ran out and bought her sweet little outfits, (note to self: department store baby shopping is much easier than baby only store shopping). I've daydreamed about meeting her and holding her for the first time, standing proudly at the baptismal for her Christening. If it were any other birth, any other new baby, I would not feel this way. But there's nothing so precious as your only sister's child; my sister who I love, respect and look up to - who's irreplaceable and my best friend; the person who gave me the highest honor a parent can give someone else of being god parent to their child and legal guardian of her children. I could never, ever resent this child. She's a part of my soul too, just like her mother and her big sister. If I never have my own children, these children will be the next closet thing for me.
So for the past week I have been wallowing. I have been feeling sorry for myself, feeling angry, depressed, sad, all those self centered emotions you feel after another BFN. I'm not saying it's wrong to feel those emotions, especially after a BFN, but Baby O is responsible for redirecting my perspective on my life this week.
Baby O got really sick yesterday. She had to be rushed to the ER and she's in the hospital now with RSV. My sister is the strongest person I know for keeping it together. I don't know how she does it. But as I sat hundreds of miles away from my sister and Baby O but picturing the dire scenario and feeling helpless and beyond worried for them, I realized last night that I went an entire day without thinking about my IF. One whole day without thinking about myself and lamenting on how unfortunate I am. I slept 11 hours last night. I don't think I've slept 11 hours since I entered the Land of IF. Hmm, perhaps a correlation here? It's unfortunate it took this to take my focus off of myself. But I see now that there are so many things in this world bigger than myself. I see that the world doesn't revolve around my IF. Or at least it hasn't for the past 24 hours. For months now my life has revolved around another life that doesn't even exist.
Today I woke up without my IF weighing so heavily on my heart. It's been replaced with Baby O and my sister. I hate that they're going through this and I am worried for them but they have changed my perspectives. Despair has been replaced with hope. Fear has been replaced with faith. And an obsession with a nonexistent baby has been replaced with a very real baby with a very real impact to leave on her world and the people in it.
Maybe God hasn't had time to think about a baby for me because there are so many in the world that need Him. It's the only part of my IF that's made sense to me so far. I would rather He focus on the babies in the world here today, because there are hundreds of thousands of my sisters all over the world keeping vigil next to an incubator right now, praying for their babies' next breath. It makes my IF seem more like if....
- 1st of all, I'm not PG. I got my BFN last week and it all but broke me. And this was only our second cycle on meds. God give me strength.
- At my baseline u/s earlier this week it was discovered I have not one but 3 cysts this time. I can only hope they all 3 go away as quickly as the one I had last month did. I'll find out on the 29th. Until then I'm relishing the break from needles, hormones and a bloated belly.
- We welcomed a new member to our family, Baby O: my only sister's second born, a baby girl, for whom I also happen to have the honor of being god mother. And she shares a birthday with her grandpa. A special little baby indeed.
Baby O was born before I got my BFN last week. Already she was thinking of others :) It would have been an uncomfortable mix of emotions if she'd been born that same day, and unfortunately I may have always associated her birthday with it. But she spared me of that and my sister any feelings of guilt she may have had too, (I have to remind myself sometimes that I'm not the only one my IF affects). So when she was born it was to every one's pure delight. We ooh'ed and ahhh'ed over the pictures of her and immediately ran out and bought her sweet little outfits, (note to self: department store baby shopping is much easier than baby only store shopping). I've daydreamed about meeting her and holding her for the first time, standing proudly at the baptismal for her Christening. If it were any other birth, any other new baby, I would not feel this way. But there's nothing so precious as your only sister's child; my sister who I love, respect and look up to - who's irreplaceable and my best friend; the person who gave me the highest honor a parent can give someone else of being god parent to their child and legal guardian of her children. I could never, ever resent this child. She's a part of my soul too, just like her mother and her big sister. If I never have my own children, these children will be the next closet thing for me.
So for the past week I have been wallowing. I have been feeling sorry for myself, feeling angry, depressed, sad, all those self centered emotions you feel after another BFN. I'm not saying it's wrong to feel those emotions, especially after a BFN, but Baby O is responsible for redirecting my perspective on my life this week.
Baby O got really sick yesterday. She had to be rushed to the ER and she's in the hospital now with RSV. My sister is the strongest person I know for keeping it together. I don't know how she does it. But as I sat hundreds of miles away from my sister and Baby O but picturing the dire scenario and feeling helpless and beyond worried for them, I realized last night that I went an entire day without thinking about my IF. One whole day without thinking about myself and lamenting on how unfortunate I am. I slept 11 hours last night. I don't think I've slept 11 hours since I entered the Land of IF. Hmm, perhaps a correlation here? It's unfortunate it took this to take my focus off of myself. But I see now that there are so many things in this world bigger than myself. I see that the world doesn't revolve around my IF. Or at least it hasn't for the past 24 hours. For months now my life has revolved around another life that doesn't even exist.
Today I woke up without my IF weighing so heavily on my heart. It's been replaced with Baby O and my sister. I hate that they're going through this and I am worried for them but they have changed my perspectives. Despair has been replaced with hope. Fear has been replaced with faith. And an obsession with a nonexistent baby has been replaced with a very real baby with a very real impact to leave on her world and the people in it.
Maybe God hasn't had time to think about a baby for me because there are so many in the world that need Him. It's the only part of my IF that's made sense to me so far. I would rather He focus on the babies in the world here today, because there are hundreds of thousands of my sisters all over the world keeping vigil next to an incubator right now, praying for their babies' next breath. It makes my IF seem more like if....
Friday, March 4, 2011
PO'd
Stands for Progesterone Overloaded! I had it checked today and it's through the roof. Literally off the charts. Suffice to say I've been a little irritable this week. But I feel good today! I feel hopeful today. Which may not last long so I'm enjoying it while I can :)
Next Friday will be the pregnancy test. 3.11. That's a good date, right? It's a good band anyway. It also happens to be the day my sister's induction is scheduled. Maybe it's an omen? God either has a really awesome plan (it wouldn't get much better than getting a BFP the same day as the birth of my god daughter and finding out I could have a daughter of my own), or he's got a really twisted sense of humor. If it's the latter I'm going to need some tomatoes. Lots and lots of tomatoes...
Next Friday will be the pregnancy test. 3.11. That's a good date, right? It's a good band anyway. It also happens to be the day my sister's induction is scheduled. Maybe it's an omen? God either has a really awesome plan (it wouldn't get much better than getting a BFP the same day as the birth of my god daughter and finding out I could have a daughter of my own), or he's got a really twisted sense of humor. If it's the latter I'm going to need some tomatoes. Lots and lots of tomatoes...
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